Posts Tagged ‘weird’

Maritime Madness: Strange Ships, Bizarre Boats, Ditzy Dinghies and Crazy Canoes

  1. The USS Air Guitar – A USO ship where servicemen can practice their air-guitar playing skills far from the prying eyes of civilian landlubbers. All types of invisible air-instruments: air-tubas, air-triangles, air-kazoos, air drumsticks (chicken and the invisible wooden kind). Kindly note: Playing of the Skin Flute is prohibited.
  2. The Chantix – Captained by Ray Liotta, this Big Pharma “Safe-Boat” is a place where smokers can go when suffering from the brutal side effects of Chantix. Whether you want to harm yourself or others, The Chantix is a free-floating safe haven for nicotine-deprived desperados. And all in a secure and welcoming environment free from the unforgiving sharpness of metal eating utensils.
  3. Why is the “ch” silent in yacht? Very confusingch. 

    The Conversion Therapy – Sail away a Christian and return a Jew. This is just one example of the transformative power of this specialty ship. It works on all types of individuals who want to change their affiliations. Note: Does not work on Gay men. In fact it tends to reinforce the orientation what with all those guys crammed into close quarters on a steamy ship with too few bunks and too many disco balls.

  4. The Leakey Lucy – This is the aging yacht of the famous family of anthropologists – the Leakey’s. Friends are reluctant to sail on her because they say, “It’s a Leakey boat.” The Leakey family calls these frightened little hominids nothing more than “Neanderthals.” Dr. Richard Leakey has examined the ship from stem to stern and says (not surprisingly), “Even though she’s showing some age, she has really good bones.”
  5. The STD – Flagship for the CDC (Center for Disease Control). This floating Petri Dish is usually under quarantine, however, the STD and her sister ship the Gonorrhea, are still popular with risk-taking bareback sailors. A word of advice: Stay topside and avoid plunging into the murky world “below decks.”
  6. HMS Regicide – A killer of a ship. Not very popular with the royal family. Princes check in, but they don’t check out.
  7. Holy Ship – Thee choice of seafaring Popes and retired Popes too! The Vatican knows it would be easier for Popes to simply part the seas and walk to their destination, but that would be too Holy-wood.
  8. Holey Ship – Swiss-flagged ship used in transporting their cheese.
  9. Wholey Foods Ship – Jeff Bezos, pleasure craft/hobby horse. The view is free, but the food is g-astronomical.
  10. HMS Foreskin – Under no circumcision should men of an uncut disposition board this ship.
  11. The Lady Marmalade – Party boat for booze cruising
  12. The Lady Marmalade Light – For those boats, who on the advice of a certified Shipwright, are on a sucrose-restricted diet
  13. USS Bilge – A service convoy ship. Sailors stay pumped-up while listening to Mary J Blige. Not being glib, but Bilge’s blaring of Blige, obliges all to stay motivated.
  14. Listing Heavily – What else? The corporate yacht of Craigslist.
  15. The Bloody Vessel – A Red Cross Hospital Ship, true to its name. Transfusions galore – most of them voluntary.
  16. The Capsized Challenge – The upside down brainchild of the Escape Room people, this inverted floating tomb is straight outta the Poseidon Adventure. You mission is to restore her to right side up in less than an hour or join Davy Jones in his locker. ♫There’s got to be a morning after♫
  17. The Metastatic – Owned by the American Medical Association. The ship grows on you very quickly, although everyone is in complete denial about it.
  18. “My Other Ship is a Cadillac” – A simple fishing trawler. For those who aspire to greater vehicles
  19. The #metoo – She’s a beautiful and worthy ship. Advised you don’t touch anything on board without permission.
  20. Frigate, I’m Angry – An ideal vessel for offloading your unmitigated hostility into international waters where it belongs
  21. The Yellow Submarine – Very popular with cartoon characters and piloted by Captain Crunch.
  22. The Border Wall Avoider – An unregistered speed boat. The crew of 2 is capable of cramming 15 “passengers” into the “cargo hold” designed for a set of golf clubs. Ideal for one way trips.
  23. Can-do Canoe – The size of a Swiss Army knife, this multi-function Can-do Canoe can open beer bottles, clean teeth and shock telemarketers from a distance. Must have a gung-ho, fired-up, can-do attitude to operate.
  24. Crawling Trawler – Powered by snails, this slow moving Trawler travels at (you guessed it) a snail’s pace. We don’t know why, but the company literature warns: “Do not get it wet.”