Identity theft, long thought to have victimized only earthlings with good credit scores, has smote our dear Lord. The Lord tweeted to his followers (which is everyone, except atheists) that he regrets any inconvenience to his children, but that he’s not responsible for the karmic debts rung up by his impostor. The credit firm Equifax immediately downgraded the Lord’s credit rating to Cash Only stating, “We recognize that our Creator is probably too big to fail, however, until his true identity is sorted out, it would be advisable for anyone doing business with the Almighty to do so on a Cash Only basis because right now, we don’t know him from Adam. His credit rating will be restored when Chuck Norris OKs it. Our exasperated Lord was heard muttering, “I may be able to move Heaven and Earth, but try getting your credit score upgraded – that takes an act of Norris.”
Cambridge, MA: Police were summoned to a glowing bungalow at 412 Euclid Avenue last night where it was discovered Harvard professor Dr. Osgood Whirlybird had hacked into God’s personal computer and stolen his source code for operating the universe. According to reports Dr. Whirlybird was caught in flagrante delicto moving his hand across the face of the Earth and then down into its nether regions.
First responder Detective Gary Onderdonk described his arrival at the residence: “It was a scene of profound serenity and indescribable joy, but not in a good way. I found the perpetrator radiating intense love and generally warping the fabric of space-time. I wasn’t sure if he was God or Oprah. It was apparent the subject had willfully co-opted the Lord’s identity and was using it for his own personal amusement. After a brief investigation I discovered he had changed our National Anthem to ‘Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush’ – bad, very bad. Additionally he went back in time and kept the Beatles together for another 2 albums – good, very good. Especially their Martian Avalanche album. The Cambridge Police department deprecates these supernatural acts and assures the public that, just like Franklin Roosevelt, this will not stand.”
Dr.Whirlybird admitted he stole the Almighty’s source code, but insisted he did not steal his or anyone else’s identity. Rather he maintains he merely developed the latent skill sets within himself which made him appear godlike. Instead of in handcuffs, he was led away carrying a cross. He proclaimed to the surrounding SWAT Team, “Becoming Godlike is your right. Anyone can do this. After all, we are created in his image – right?. Get it? Deification is the same all over. In fact it’s the same forwards and backwards. The word deified is the same forwards and backwards. D-E-I-F-I-E-D. Get it mon ami.” He then silently expressed the tenderest mercy ever manifested, causing the entire SWAT team to lay down their weapons and burst into “Amazing Grace.”
Hell Hath No Fury Like…
Osgood’s 2nd wife and his former Russian au pair, Katerina, described the incident with even less clarity (in a thick Russian accent): “Like detective say, Osgood come from computer room radiating good love and bending, how you say, space-time. That part good. But then we sit down to simple dinner of lamb chops and unleavened bread, a strange wind blow through room and suddenly 12 Apostles appear – all uninvited. I tell Osgood, ‘This is last supper I’m do this.’ And he say, ‘Exactly. This is The Last Supper.’ Then he waves hand or something and suddenly our 4 little lamb chops grow to 28 big lamb chops. And Poof! Just like that, big banquet on table. Why he no do this last Thanksgiving when we had family over? Bad man!
Osgood always getting into one crackpot scheme or another. But usually ham radios or buying Styrofoam on eBay. This time he go too far. So I ask him, “Who you think you are, God?”
And he just gets that look in his eyes and pronounces, “Do you know why the hummingbird hums?”
“No, I don’t,” I tell him.
And he says, “He hums because he doesn’t know the words.”
That did it! After the 12 Apostles all crowded into our little breakfast nook I decided Mr. Harvard need a time out, and I turn him in.”
A warranted search of the residence yielded some Grecian Formula44 and a copy of 50 Shades of Grey, which Katerina insisted belonged to her sister – even though “I no have one.” Dr. Whirlybird, who by now was completely immersed in God consciousness, was resting comfortably above his sheets – four feet above his sheets. After being chained to a cross, he was marched down to the precinct for questioning. Det. Onderdonk described the chain of events surrounding the identity theft:
These crackpot professors on sabbatical have way too much time on their hands and often get into trouble. After stumbling upon God’s COS (Cosmic Operating System) he stole the Almighty’s identity and was now clothed in immense powers. Almost immediately he amended our National Anthem and kept the Beatles together. Local residents began to suspect something was wrong when so many of their prayers went unanswered. Reality had become warped. Really warped. The institution of marriage began to erode and instead of Holy Matrimony, men and women were now joined in Holy Acrimony. It got worse. PBS had completely eliminated their regular programming and had replaced it with full-time pledge drives. And even though Mr. Whirlybird possessed the power of 10 billion galaxies, even he couldn’t do anything about the Chicago Cubs, whose record of futility rendered their fans nothing but scar tissue.
Down at the precinct (Maybe it was “Up at the precinct.” I really don’t know where the precinct was relative to the residence.), Prof. Whirlybird was more than happy to discuss his achievement and seemed to possess more than total recall in describing it:
Detective Onderdonk: Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party?
Professor Whirlybird: Huh? What is this the 1950’s?
DO: Sorry. I meant to say; so you’ll admit you willfully stole the Lord’s identity without permission?
PW: He knew what I was up to. He knows what everybody’s up to. He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows if you’re awake.
DO: Are you implying the Lord was somehow complicit in this crime?
PW: What I’m saying is, he knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake.
DO: Alright knock that off. Christmas isn’t for 4 months yet. Now we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way. I want to go easy on you but my partner here wants to get rough. So for the last time; by what method did you enable your scheme?
PW: First of all you’re by yourself. You have no partner. And secondly, I’m one of those talkative narcissistic hackers who wants the whole world to know just how brilliant he is so I’ll explain every excruciating detail of my scheme until eventually you want to shove a sock in my mouth. So pull up a chair Detective Onderdonk, if indeed that is your name, and make sure the tape recorder has plenty of tape in it.
DO: We don’t use tape recorders any more. We just store it in an .mp3 file.
PW: Yeah I know dofuss, but “make sure the tape recorder has plenty of tape in it” reads better than “ensure the mp3 player has adequate storage.” Now don’t interrupt me anymore you putz. I know you’re the cop, but I’m running this interrogation see?
DO: OK boss, just make sure you implicate yourself fully.
PW: OK. OK. Back to me now. I’d always aspired to be the Godman. Who hasn’t? It’s a cushy job. The pay is good (the adoration of all creation), the superpowers are spectacular (X-ray vision…’nuff said) and the hours suit me (an eternity with a full pension). So I put God in my cross hairs. As you may know, that astute Harvard drop out, Bill Gates, donated a sophisticated computer center to my school. And through some unparalleled ratiocination I accessed a portal to his personal computer, figuring if Gates wasn’t God he was at least in touch with the Almighty. Hunch after hunch paid off. I surmised that the Almighty had stopped adding brimstone to his computer’s firewall and after my 3rd Red Bull I found myself face to face with trace electrons leading to the vault of God. The whole universe opened up to me just like it did for Rupert Holmes after the Piña Colada song. At first my insights were shallow. For example I realized that the TV was the most watched appliance in the house. So what? But as I penetrated deeper I realized it’s all One inseparable, loving and unified world – just like George Harrison said it would be. I was very excited. Extremely excited and even though this excitement lasted longer than 4 hours, I decided not to call my doctor.
DO: Do you feel any regret?
PW: No. First of all stealing God’s identity is not a crime. It’s a job action. And secondly it’s everybody’s duty. In fact we’re not trying to steal his identity; we’re just trying to find our own. Why shouldn’t we enjoy the same perqs as our boss? We all work hard down here. Raising kids, worrying whether or not there’s peanut dust on our food and, of course, proofreading our text messages so we don’t accidentally text something obscene. What does he do? – tells us to have faith. Well faith we got. How about a little Christmas bonus. I mean besides your wonderful son. Meanwhile I’m pursuing this guy and I won’t rest till the job’s complete.
DO: How will you know when your job is complete?
PW: When someone tries to steal my identity.
DO: Do you have anything else to say?
PW: Do I! The “Big Secret” is that there is no secret and truth is right in front of you like one of those 3-D posters where the 3-D image is hidden inside the 2 dimensional picture. This true image is prominently resident in our sub-consciousness yet camouflaged against the backdrop of a boisterous and demanding world. Get real quiet and stare at life long enough and someday the image of truth will coalesce into a recognizable shape right before your eyes. And then you’ll ask yourself, “Why didn’t I see that before?” As far as God goes, I’ll reiterate my earlier statement: It takes one to know one.
DO: (Backing away while patting him on the head) That’s good Dr. Whirlybird. Very good. These nice men here are going to take you to a room where all the walls are soft and you’ll be able to sleep.
Notes: Dr. Whirlybird has since sought political asylum in hell, but even Lucifer denied his application stating, “No way in Hell. God’s mad enough at me. Besides, you’re #2 behind Snowden.”
Look for Part II of this story when I answer the pressing question: What do you do when you’re stuck with 12 hungry Apostles in a 900 square foot bungalow?