Perfuming the World with a Potpourri of Applied Madness

1. Man’s Rolex dies an untimely death. He’s in denial stating, “Not on my watch.”
2. I’ve always marveled at the work of the Early Impressionists: Frank Gorshin, Rich Little and of course Claude Monet. Gorshin imitated Kirk Douglas, Rich Little mimicked Nixon and Monet did a fabulous impression of various Lily’s.
3. You decide: Is this a Ghoulish Idea, or a Humane Method of eliminating miscarriages of justice? – Instead of the death penalty, guilty parties will be sentenced to life in a medically-induced coma. That way if exonerating evidence surfaces, the comatose prisoner can be revived, given a really big apology, and sent back into society with a crisp C-note and a new suit.
   

   Can you tell I was a Caesarean?

4. For the Legume Identificatory Challenged: I accidentally bought Crunchy Peanut Butter. Again. I hate when that happens. Couldn’t the Crunchy jar realize my imbecility and announce: “Hey Stupid! I’m the crunchy one. Put me back. The smooth one is right next to me. It says ‘Smooth’ on the label.”
5. Uncommon reactions to the COVID Vaccine (contraindications):
   1. SleepFarting – A nighttime side effect similar to Sleepwalking, but much, much gassier. The clinical term for this affliction is SNFS – Spontaneous Nocturnal Flatulence Syndrome. It’s also known by its more grittier street name: Trigger-Happy Blowhole. These emissions can be startlingly louder and exponentially stinkier than simple snoring. It’s a 2-pronged attack on the senses of your spouse: their ears and their nose. A spouse will not only have to wear earplugs, but also a gas mask in order to neutralize their lovable little stinker. Ironically, SleepFarting leaves the calmly snoozing instigator, fuming.
   2. 180° Knee: A rare but troublesome side effect whereby the knees start to bend the other way. The problem arises when the sufferer doesn’t know whether they’re coming or going.
   3. SCS – Sistine Chapel Syndrome: Whereby the newly vaccinated develop an insatiable need to paint the ceiling of their bedroom with scenes of empyrean splendor
   4. HHS – Hugh Hefner Syndrome: Whereby the newly vaccinated develop an insatiable need to put mirrors on the ceiling so they may watch scenes of Sodom and Gomorrah
6. Love this John Mullaney line: “Growing up, I always thought quicksand would be more of a problem.”
7. Former NBA star Kareem Abdul-Jabbar has been hit in the head 333 times by low-hanging ceiling fan blades. Two times by low-flying airplanes and once by an angel, he didn’t know, could fly, so low. That angel was Phyllis Diller.
8. The poor guy has no luck with money. He put all his life savings in a cloud bank. Then the sun came out and it evaporated. He should’ve saved for a rainy day. This is the same guy who thinks Bitcoin is something you do to your money to make sure it’s not filled with chocolate.
9. The guy has no luck with women. In fact, he can’t even get a date from a date tree – or a hand job from a palm tree. He has, however, gotten really good cone from a pine tree.
10. Charles “Lucky” Lindbergh flew his aero plane wearing an old-fashioned leather helmet. It’s true. You can Goggle it – the helmet that is. You can also Google his goggles. And if you’re a fan of Lady Gaga, you can Google Gaga. I luv baby talk.
11. I found out the hard way that drinkable SPF doesn’t work because you apply it “where the sun don’t shine.” Spray-on Gatorade doesn’t work either. But spray-on Gatorade is an effective birth control because if you do use spray-on Gatorade, no woman will come near you.
12. Why does the butler get his own his own pantry? It’s not fair. Butlers have got it maid.
13. Overheard in little Timmy’s tree fort: “How come nothing’s as fun as I used to think it was.”
14. Everyday you’re supposed to be grateful for the majesty of life. And I am. Immensely. But y’know eventually you pass on and there’s nothing left to feel grateful for every day. Is it enough to think so short term about gratitude? Is there some bigger picture I should have even more gratitude for now? Let me know. Signed, SleepFarter in Seattle.
15. Great sages have eminently declared: “The truth does not require your belief.” And yet I wonder if that’s true.
16. J’ever have one of those days where for some reason, you have to take your socks on and off like 8 times? Neither have I. If I ever did have an experience like that I think it would knock my socks off.  
17. I don’t want to “power through” anything anymore. I’d rather “path of least resistance through” things. Well maybe I could manage to power through the Bottomless Pasta Bowl at the Olive Garden or the Bottomless Stage Show at a Gentlemen’s Club
18. These 2 carnivores walk into a salad bar. The vegtender says, “We don’t get a lot of carnivores around here.” And the meat eaters say, “And at these prices you’re not going to get many more.”
19. 2 Vegans walk into a slaughterhouse. The butcher says, “We don’t get a lot of vegans around here.” And the vegans say, “This is quite a plant you’ve got here.”
20. We join this discount joke already in progress: 2 sets of Siamese twins walk into a walk-in closet and say, “We should really split.” And the closet-tender says, “I can give you half off.” And the Siamese twins say, “Perfect because we can only pay you 50% each.”
21. Consciousness is: The felt presence of immediate experience. Stick that in your navel and contemplate it.

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