Archive for April, 2013

When I needed a writers’ pick-me-up, I used to go running for the shelter of my Daddy’s Little Helper.

Sometimes, when you call a company and get their phone tree they robotically advise: “Please listen carefully as some of our options have changed.” OK, but that would assume I had memorized the original options. I didn’t. No one has – ever. I’m going to listen to the options because it’s the only way I can get to the Land of Oz. Or in this case ensure my electricity isn’t turned off.  ~ Passage written while under the influence of HFS.

The recently discovered field of High Fructose Storytelling (HFS) has astonished both farmers and writers alike. That this field was just lazily residing in my backyard is even more astonishing. But there it was, just out standing in its field. And that’s where I was – just out standing in my field, when I discovered it. Let me explain. Read the rest of this entry »

Isn’t life essentially one long monologue with yourself? I mean, I’m just saying…

It has been said by people smarter than me, that when you die, every building on the Registry of National Landmarks flashes before your eyes. Amazing! Who wouldn’t want to see all those historic erections just prior to expiring? Additionally, it’s been noted by people funnier than me that the Pope buys his special garments at the Vatican’s Big and Vain Shop. But enough talk about people who are smarter and funnier than me. After all, as many have said, there are so few. And yet this does have a lot to do with the price of tea in China because the unit price of Finely Cut Oolong Tea Leaves in Shanghai is set (through a process too complicated to explain here) by what people say about me. If you think that’s peculiar you should see how Madame du Barry prices blow jobs at the Chicken Ranch. Read the rest of this entry »