Pleased as Punch to be Pope

In a stunning turn of events at the Papal Conclave in Vatican City, the College of Cardinals has displayed bovine passivity in shunning more religious candidates and instead electing Elsie the Cow as the new Pope. For her papacy, Elsie will take the name of Lactose the Tolerant.

Groan Appetit Pilgrims: Punnery in the Nunnery

When asked to comment on Elsie’s selection, church spokesman Bishop Elihu Borden remarked, “We knew the Church was looking to moooove in a new direction, but this is udderly amazing.”

Long after the white smoke emanating from the Sistine Chapel indicated a new Pontiff had been elected, church officials delayed the announcement of the cow Pope in order to really “milk the moment.” The Church hierarchy can’t seem to figure out how the cow lobby managed this historic election, and they don’t expect any insider explanation either because nobody likes a cattletale.

Lactose the Tolerant is expected to take up in the Vatican with her husband Red Bull. By all accounts “Red” sleeps very little, and when he does, he keeps Elsie up with all his snorting. We’re told he’s requested decorators to remove all the red curtains in the Pope’s bedroom which seem to enrage the papal consort.

The new Pope is a brown Guernsey from Britain. At her investiture a reporter from the inhouse publication L’Osservatore Romano was allowed one question.

Reporter:    How now brown cow?

Lactose the Tolerant:    How now brown cow? Do you know how many times I’ve been asked that? Next. Oh, that’s it then. OK. Well, I’d just like to say I’m looking forward to the new Popemobile.        

Vati-cans and Vati-cants: Do’s and Don’ts in the New Bovine Papal Order

1. In keeping with the spiritual ascendancy of foraging livestock, the Church’s supreme hymnal has been changed to “Amazing Graze.”
2. In a sign of things to come, it was reported that Elsie’s milk (Lactose the Tolerant’s milk) will not be homogenized due to sensitivities within the Church about anything with the word “homo” in it. Her milk shall be pasteurized only and referred to as EVMM (Extra Virgin Mother’s Milk)
3. Henceforth, during communion, sacramental milk will replace sacramental wine as the blood of Cheesus Christ – the True Dairy Savior.
4. Traditionally a papal bull is a type of public decree issued by a pope through the organ of the Vatican Press Office. Lactose the Tolerant however, is expected to issue her first Papal Bull (a baby papal bull) through her own personal organ.
5. Cow-tipping is now a venial sin and instead of meatless Fridays, Lactose the Tolerant has mandated meatless lifetimes.
6. In deference to the herding instinct of the Pope’s new flock, she has instituted a new university of higher learning called Flock U. So, if you’re a beast of prey in search of salvation, the Church heartily suggests you go Flock yourself.
7. The Vatican kitchen will no longer serve veal (unless the life of the mother is at steak). Conversely, the kitchen will now begin serving cow pies, cud spuds and gummi grass.

Some critics are forecasting that Lactose the Tolerant’s papacy will be “all mitre and no cattle.” Other more charitable observers believe the Church has chosen well and that placing a herding animal at the head of the Church will only make shepherding the flock that much easier.

Hay, you herd it here first folks. The good news is that there is a new wind blowing through St. Peter’s Basilica. The bad news is that it’s filled with methane.

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