The Hubble Space Telescope, floating so serenely above the Earth’s muddy atmosphere, is uniquely qualified to penetrate into the farthest reaches of our uncharted universe. It methodically scans the celestial sphere searching for Star Clusters, Spiral Galaxies and Gas-Filled Quasars. While gazing into deep space recently, the Hubble Telescope glimpsed the most distant object in the universe. And no, I’m not referring to my father. These miraculous photographs are believed to be the first images ever taken from before the Big Bang, which occurred over 14 billion years ago (6,000 years ago for my Creationist friends). These remarkable pictures depict the sketchy outlines of a concerned father figure hovering over a child who appears to be experimenting with an unfathomably dense and infinitesimally small sphere called a singularity. While manipulating the singularity, the boy assures his father, “Don’t worry dad. I know what I’m doing. There’s no way it’s going to explo….”

Further studies of the singularity suggest it maintained its equilibrium by freely giving energy from areas of high concentration to areas of low concentration: From each area according to its ability, to each area according to its need. Astrophysicists have labeled this perfect redistribution of power, “Communism. Pure and simple.” 

In a similar but more terrestrial vein, See’s Candies has recently built a highly advanced optical scanning device that searches the farthest reaches of its Barstow, CA warehouse for Nut Clusters, Spiral Nougats and Caramel-filled Quasars. While methodically scanning deeply into its inventory recently, the optical scanning device glimpsed the chocolatiest object ever seen in the known warehouse. And no, I’m not referring to shift supervisor Darnell Jones. This dark chocolate discovery is believed to be an image taken from before See’s Candies merger with Fanny Farmer over 28 years ago (4 years ago for my canine friends). This remarkable picture revealed a dense chocolate so unfathomably rich and creamy that no other chocolate was able to escape its gravity. All the other chocolate in the warehouse was being slowly sucked into its event horizon and out the other side, finally ending up in Paula Deen’s pantry, a little lintier for the journey. The FDA is investigating whether this “Chocolate Wormhole” is hygienic or if cocoa butter scrubbers need to be installed in this chocolaty portal to prevent contamination from interstellar parasites. The FDA is still at a loss to explain how one of their investigators who passed too close to the Chocolate Wormhole popped up in a Willy Wonka movie.

Further studies of the dark chocolate singularity were thwarted when researchers quickly gobbled up the substance being analyzed. In no time the laboratory went from an area of high chocolate concentration to an area of low chocolate concentration. Although the technicians denied eating the confection, their authoritative white lab coats were smeared with the creamy stuff. Chocolatiers have termed this rapid reduction of the chocolate as, “Gluttony. Pure and simple.”

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