Everyone thought this batch of newly birthed jokes were unrelated – orphaned one-offs tossed out into the jokesphere by any number of anonymous quipsters. However, through forensic jokenetic testing, 23 and Me proved beyond a cackle of doubt that all these jolly jests had a common ancestor – me. Each quip had my unique comedic markers: too clever for their own good, amusing without being actually funny and mildly offensive without being redeeming.

I was initially chagrined by the charges brought in the Joketernity suit. And I vowed with insincere legalistic platitudes to “Vigorously defend my innocence and show that blah, blah, blah…” But now, having read the outstanding material contained in the suit, all I can say is…guilty as charged. I accept 23 and Me’s ironclad verdict. And since I am a responsible comedy writer, I’ll raise them as my own and pay joke support for each and every gag my fertile mind conceived. I don’t want these orphaned witticisms growing-up out on the streets, hustling for cheap laughs or getting enticed into a van by an evil jokenapper and being taken to a secondary location for hours of meaningless canned laughter.

As part of a joke-bargaining agreement I reached with the Court Jester, the court sentenced me to the opposite of a Gag Order. I was issued a Publicize Order, so my offspring jokes would see the light of day and be broadcast to as many people as possible. I’ve consented to take my offspring out on visitation days and expose them to a polite and chuckling society. In keeping with the spirit of this sentence I herewith, forthwith, and with withering wherewithal present my witticisms to the world.

Like a vegetarian mathematician, may these jokes be fruitful and multiply:

These are All My Children

The Lambshank Redemption

Lambshank Prison: Prison dieticians who fed prisoners shredded coconut found their recidivism rate no different from prisoners who were fed slivered almonds; thus concluding, “They’re both kinda nuts.”

Lambshank Prison Sleep Counselors say snoring in prisons has become a noisy problem for inmate’s roommates. They wonder how an inmate is supposed to make license plates or fold laundry if they can’t sleep. They say, “It’s the same thing at the state pen, where it’s business as uvula.”

Correlation or Coincidence

People who used proper ice scrapers on their windshields were more likely to give their Starbuck’s barista a contrived, funny name, than people who just used their credit card to scrape off windshield ice. Let that sink in.

People who died in quicksand accidents thought there was no way they’d ever die in a quicksand accident. Let that sink in.

The motto of the organization that ran rescue shelters for homeless sinks was, “Let that sink in.”

Glorious Nonsense

• The Pringles Potato Chip pledge: No potatoes were harmed in the making of these “chips.”
• Do you realize singer Johnny Cougar’s mom is a Cougar?
• He’s the “Tom Jones” of authors. He had a reading at a book store where all the women threw their bookmarks at him.
• Social media is Satan’s way to keep us from reading books.  
• Unfinished joke: My friend Ron just looks at a woman and she gets pregnant. You should see what happens when he looks at ____________.

23 and Me Interrogators Grill Me:

23 and Me: Dave, how many jokes have you fathered?

Dave:         At least 7.

23 and Me: Only 7 Dave?

Dave:         Well 7…..that I know of. I mean, I did joke around a little in my youth

Conversations I’ve Overheard

1. Is it extra hard for claustrophobic gay people to be closeted?

Is what extra hard?

Oh, never mind.

2. Is your cat a he or a she?

Oh, it’s a they

3. Any changes to your medical information?

Yes, my blood type is now B+

4. A Nurse summoning patients for the next appt:

Nurse: Burkhart?

Patient: Right here

(He walks by and enters the hallway, a moment later she beckons the next patient) Christian?

(Patient walks to the door and quietly responds): I suppose. Does being Presbyterian count?

5. Two Chefs Discussing Sauce Techniques

Chef 1: Y’know, cornstarch is a quick and dependable thickening agent

Chef 2: Yeah, well so is Marilyn Monroe, but you won’t find her in my Béarnaise Sauce.

These chefs – they love to mince words.

Dave Splainin’: Water covers 75% of the Earth, I Cover the Rest

We must recognize there’s the known universe and there’s the unknown universe. There are people who know all about the unknown universe (they’re called gurus) and people who don’t know anything about the known universe (they’re called North Koreans).

And Finally

In a counterintuitive oddity, MIT studies show conclusively that a briefcase is far more secure without it being handcuffed to your wrist, than by drawing more attention to its important contents by having it handcuffed to your wrist. Let that sink in.

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