New Toyota Coitus Sets Racy Standard for Eco-Sexy Vehicles

February 27th, 2012 | Author: David Hardiman

A Thousand Pardons Honorable Reader

Toyota Motors Corporation, makers of the landmark Prius, has unveiled game changing technology with the rollout of their triumphant new model, the Toyota Coitus. In a press release today Toyota confirmed what had long been whispered – that engineers had outfitted stock hybrid Prius models with Regenerative Vaginas® transforming them from plain Jane eco-drudges to sleek, high-performance runway models. The Regenerative Vagina works similarly to the regenerative brakes on the Prius, but ‘vive la différence.‘ How does it work? Well, simply put, these eco-friendly regenerative dynamos miraculously harness the electrical power of each outbound stroke and feed the juice right back into her power grid. Simply amazing – you “drive it home” and the synergies you share with your Coitus actually creates more energy than it uses. You’ll bond instantly with this model. And because it’s equipped with a Catalytic Contraceptive Converter, the only thing to come out of the tailpipe is just a little appreciation. The engine employs decidedly primitive, but historically popular 2 stroke technology inspired by the same classic maneuver practiced by Adam & Eve long before the dawn of assembly lines.

 

 

 

Toyota has thoughtfully outfitted this damsel in estrus with ergonomic love handles specially designed to keep the driver in the optimal driving position even in the tightest corners. With her Synchro-rhythm transmission and Ego-boost technology, performance anxiety is a thing of the past. The black fishnet interior provides both comfort and stimulation. Toyota’s perfumists have formulated two “new car smell” fragrances: “Dang Woman!” and “Give it a Rest.” And when equipped with the ultra-responsive accelerator pedal she goes from zero to “Oh, my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!” in only 5 minutes flat.  Your actual driving results may vary depending on whether you perform  more city or highway humping. With this environmentally sound vehicle Toyota has achieved the Holy Grail of mankind – getting more out of a car than you put into it. For reasons Toyota declined to specify, the owner is responsible for bridging the gap between real world performance and automotive fantasy.

Marketing the car was not easy. Because deviant test groups protested,Toyota has purposely not worked out all the kinks in their Coitus. As a result some test drives lasted as long as two days because the driver forgot his safe word. Toyota’s cup holder technology accommodates cup sizes A through DD and the optional convertible lets you take her top down rain or shine.

It should be noted that Toyota has not yet made their hybrid model cost effective for premature accelerators. Jack rabbit starts are going to hurt mileage significantly that’s why it’s important to warm up the Coitus first before taking it out for a spin. For reasons engineers have been unable to explain, the vehicle just seems to perform better after dinner and a movie. The target market is mostly men, although it’s very popular with female lumberjacks. Instead of 7 year bumper to bumper coverage, Toyota offers an anatomically similar “Tits to Ass Protection” covering all manufacturer defects except attitude. Fender tucks or bumper augmentation is strictly aftermarket.

A Brief History of Coitus

The sterile conditions required to undertake the Coitus project necessitated building a state of the art Clean Womb at Toyota’s secret “skunk works” in Osaka. The utero-technology involved in creating the Regenerative Vagina took years to perfect as engineers were in no particular hurry to finish the pleasurable assignment. Toyota executives refused comment on the Clean Womb’s engineering grotto featuring heart-shaped drafting tables piled high with red satin blueprints. A press release describes the arcane creative process of the design team:

“Working in ménages of three, our engineers introduce themselves to the model by first bowing then saying, ‘Greetings honorable Coitus. We are at your cervix madam’, then they’d attack the gear box problem with single-minded zeal until their glasses steamed up and the next team was called in. Technicians attribute their breakthrough moment to a simple stroke of genius, followed by several strokes of penius. Senior project manager Frank Fuji noted, ‘We had great teamwork. Everything just came together at the right time. And finally, after years of loving toil and a few Coitus interruptions we perfected our model’.”

And now you can have one in any shade you want as long as it’s off color.

There was one unintended consequence of the research phase. After about 9 months of intense laboratory sessions vetting the Coitus, engineers accidentally gave birth to a little sub compact model called the Toyota Zygote. Fueled by the power of love and still in the embryonic stage, the Zygote hopes to someday develop into a full blown Coitus. But for now it remains Toyota’s dirty little secret; kind of like their accelerators used to be. Somewhere Dr. Deming is frowning.

Not so Fast

As expected, prudish Toyota does not allow test drives unless you’ve already committed to buying one. You can, however, enjoy a chaperoned test drive on a baseball field where a salesman will let you get one to first base, but that’s as far as you can go. With a down payment, you may watch a grainy video of a Coitus actually scoring. Toyota salesmen remind Coitus customers that their purchase is not transacted; it’s consummated – on a heart-shaped rack in the service grotto with the Coitus draped in red satin fender skirts. To ensure long term joy on the asphalt, the new Coitus comes standard with rose tinted windows and an on board navigation system that, as you might expect, always stops and asks for directions. Surveys show most owners park them right in the bed so they can have access to their Coitus first thing in the morning.

Regardless of how well they’re performing, Toyota admits that after about seven years most owners will probably get the itch to trade in their Coitus for a newer model which they’ve already developed and named the Toyota Trophy Car. Concerns have been voiced over how much a used Coitus will fetch in the after market, especially if it’s been ridden hard or garaged wet. Used Coitus value will likely depend on the amount of mileage on their…vulvometer. When the older Coituses are put back on the lot, they’ll be rebadged as Cougars.

All’s Well 

At her glitzy Los Angeles International Auto Show debut, leering enthusiasts stuffed her crisp aerodynamic fenders with $10 bills. Veteran observers hadn’t witnessed this kind of reaction since Chevy rubber tipped the twin Dagmars on the bumpers of its ’57 Bel Air.

Testimonials:

A great bang for the buck. This car will go down in history, among other places. – Bill Clinton

So typically female I thought it was from Venus. – Dr. John Gray

My car sucks. And that’s a good thing. – Ellen Degeneres

The car has grown so popular it has spawned a Toyota Coitus Owners Club whose members get together on weekends for a little extra-vehicular activity.

The new Toyota Coitus with Regenerative Vagina. Consummate one today at your Toyota dealer and were sure you’ll agree with other Coitus owners who say:  “I am so screwed.”