If you’re like me, (and I assume you’re not) then when you plug an electrical cord into an outlet, you invariably misalign the prongs at least 80% of the time so you have to flip them over and plug it in the other way. This bitter harvest of life will not stand. We all know famine and genocide are awful, but this…this is intolerable. That stupid fat prong that has done nothing to help mankind except preventing one little old lady from Pasadena getting shocked when she knocked her denture cup all over her Craftmatic bed. I would never have agreed to the use of electricity if I knew I’d have to contend with this thick pronged abomination. And since no one asked me, and electricity is everywhere, it makes my hypocrisy that much easier to ignore.

Any of this sound familiar? It shouldn’t. I just made it all up. You are the first one to lay eyes on it and that makes you special (pronounce special as spatial). It’s fun. Go ahead try it. Say out loud, “That makes you spatial.”

 

In order to improve her health my Aunt Fiona announced she’s changing her diet and from now on will be a strict Vagitarian. And I didn’t even know she was a lesbian. Meatless to say, I’m just going to assume most of the dishes are meatless. There’s a full line of Vagitarian baby food including the most popular item – Strained Credulity. I’m all for Vagitarianism. I just want to know where you can shop for it without getting arrested. Overall, it beats drumming.

How can people dismiss Vanilla Sex so summarily? I like vanilla and sex. Together they’re even better. To me foreplay is, {hears the door open} “You’re home. Finally! I’m in the bedroom.”

My first aha moment was around age 5 when I finally understood what it meant when Peter Marshall said, “Circle gets the square.” There was no stopping me then. By 6 I realized that Gilligan”s Island was supposed to be a comedy? And by 12 none of it mattered anymore because puberty had hit. It hit hard. Rock hard. 4 hour erections were common and instead of calling a doctor I called Sandra Welch. I mean I always hung up just after she answered, but at least I called. By now I was almost certain I was heterosexual. I’m still almost certain. Luckily it’s a choice and I choose girls. I mean girl. As in a healthy monogamous relationship. I guess I’m not heterosexual after all. I’m a monogamist…with a ton of vanilla.

 

My second aha moment occurred at Niagara Falls in 1967 at the age of 6 when I asked my daddy if I could hold his sunglasses and then impetuously threw them over the Falls. Man what a before and after moment that was. Everything had led up to that point where I realized I could control my environment even if it meant ruining someone else’s. I was a lot like the Koch Brothers are today. My dad said he was chagrined I threw his sunglasses over the Falls. At first I thought that was good because chagrined had the word grin in it. Then dad explained it was a bad word like infection or McNugget. And although McNuggets hadn’t been invented yet, I knew what he meant.

Even as a 6 year old I assumed a less muscular posture of Rodin’s “The Thinker” and endeavored to sort out the disparate observations and feelings randomly surrounding me. Witnessing the constellation of items swirling about me, I thought outloud, “Well isn’t that spatial.”