Posts Tagged ‘bar’

1. Jeers – A place where nobody knows your name.
2. The Porcelain Altar – A perfectly wretched place. It promotes both dwarf and cookie tossing.
3. Friends Without Benefits – Formerly the Arm’s Length Tavern, this Debbie Downer club casts a curiously chilling effect on romance. Bar stools are 20 feet apart and “courting megaphones” are issued for yelling sweet nothings into the distant face of your friend – who shall likely remain a friend…without benefits.
4. 

   “Highballs are on me.”

   Where There’s Smoke There’s Cannabis – You know marijuana is much better for you than alcohol don’t you? At all levels. This sit down eat-in cannabis dispensary features hallucinogenically-activating comfort foods like Ham-murmurs, God Dogs and Wavy Gravy.

5. The Elbow Room – A less chilling buzz kill than Friends Without Benefits, but alienating nonetheless. Bar stools are only 10 feet apart and instead of megaphones, sign language and winking is used to tantalize your future bumper of uglies.
6. Dregs – Formerly the Bottom of the Barrel, this newly refurbished club of last resort is a haven for desperados who are one sad Amazon click away from ordering an inflatable “companion.”
7. HyMen – A virginal Paradise for insecure, wealthy guys. This posh club allows affluent Oligarchs to cruise for the thing they most desire in a woman: tamper-evident vaginas. In courting virgins, these selfish men recognize that inexperienced women will never realize what uncaring lovers they are.
8. Trés Cerebral – Too French. Too brainy and very complicated in a fussy way. Be careful not to contract MTDs – Mentally Transferred Diseases like egoism, Superiority Complexes and Misunderstood Prodigy Syndrome.
9. Well Hung…Over – Normally a good thing, but not in this excessive case. In the morning you really regret being so well hungover.
10. The Tilted Uterus – A large and expandable womb where customers feel so at home, that once they settle in, they assume a fetal position and never want to leave. Signature Drink: The Breech Baby Signature Dish: Placenta Helper. Upon exiting the embracing enclosure, many patrons feel reborn. And many Christians feel born again.
11. “OK. You’re a Cab” – Answers the age old question drunks ask bartenders; “My good man, will you please call me a cab.”
12. The Anal Pour – It’s a good thing the place is staffed by a bunch of ass wipes because the drinks taste like sh*t.
13. Call Me a Cab Please – A classy joint where patrons refer to each other by well-known cabs (Cabernets). For example; “How do you do? My name is Sterling Vineyard and you must be Robert Mondavi.” Problems arise when drunk patrons ask the bartender to call them a cab. Usually the bartenders respond, “I can’t call you a cab, but I will give you a Lyft.”
14. Christian Science Drinking Room – Who doesn’t want to become intoxicated by God? Apparently no one. It is however an opportunity to become one with the patron saint of blotto – Jack Daniels.
15. Del Webb’s “Dilutions” – For active cruisers of a certain age. Also visit its sister saloons: the Papery Cheek and the Crepey Neck. This senior saloon serves watered down drinks to aging men with thinning hair and a fatting asses. Also popular with menopausal women who like to swing – their moods and not their bodies. Don’t miss the Blue Hair Happy Hour where formaldehyde-based cocktails will leave you completely em-bombed. Elderly pole dancers are doubly titillating with see-thru outfits to match their see-thru skin. Note this tragically hip joint is often fractured – especially when dancing the Bossa Nova. This happening place is absolutely lights out…at 8 pm sharp. Get deluded at Dilutions.
16. The Repurposed Kidney – Run secretly by an underworld organ bank with ties to Doctors Without Scruples, this meat market syndicate surreptitiously anesthetizes its unsuspecting patrons with narcotizing drinks, then sets loose its in-house doctors without scruples to go a-organ-harvesting. Business plan is flawed because the franchises are not transplantable.
17. Dingleberry’s – How do they even stay in business? I mean those are not olives in the martinis. And the little Goldfish they serve at the bar are, all floating belly up.
18. Kraft Beer Hall – If you like Velveeta, you’ll love Kraft beer.
19. Snickers Bar – Oops. Wrong kind of bar. It is however a Candy Bar where you might find a favorite sweetie to munch on.