Archive for March, 2016

Hewlett-Packard Hiring Procedure Exposed

    hp

Memorandumb

 

From: Human Resources Dept. – a division of HP Primate Services

Topic: Hiring Procedures

Attention: Hiring Supervisors

Security Level: Eyes only. Do not circulate or copy document. Especially no copying since even we can’t afford our own ink cartridges.

 

Attention Hiring Supervisors,

In an effort to ensure a high-caliber workforce (high-caliber in terms of achievement and not weaponry), Hewlett-Packard’s Human Resources Dept. (or HP’s HR) has created this determinative questionnaire to screen prospective litigants employees for suitability. Applicants must answer all questions, after which they can expect to have their wallet returned. Read the rest of this entry »

The Metrics of My Life – tranquilizer of first resort

Aaaahhh. Remember when. Aaaahhh. Remember when.

Sometimes the mountain is so high and my spirit is so low I wonder if I’ll ever make it to the summit. That fabled summit where I hope to find the almighty perspective I’ve been promising myself ever since 4th Grade. That’s when I was shaken from my adolescent cocoon by the 5th Dimension’s mystical song Aquarius. This portentous anthem heralded a new age of possibilities. I really thought it was “the dawning of the Age of Aquarius” for everybody. Everybody, everywhere. It was the late 60’s and we were all going to take the Marrakech Express into the 5th Dimension where “♫peace will guide the planets and love will steer the stars♫.” It was a simple calculus formulated by a mercifully simple boy then known as David. And he still is a simple boy known as David except he’s covered by all these words you see before you. Oh to be naïve again – or at least simple, without being a simpleton.   Read the rest of this entry »

Walden Pool

These Fashion Week hats are so derivative. These Fashion Week hats are so derivative. And yet they’re all the rage.

It’s 1969. AD. I’m 8 years old and happily ensconced all alone in the cozy confines of my downstairs game room where I’m playing pool and groovin’ (yes, groovin’) to Beatles music on our state-of-the-art Magnavox Quadraphonic stereo. I’m the best company a boy can have. And the beauty part is I’m never without me. And while I appreciate the company of other people, I especially like mine. I always seem to know exactly what I want to do and I never have to wait around for me to show up so I can do it. I’ve always been there for me. I have no choice. And being with myself in this special way (in the basement shooting pool and listening to the Beatles) was like a divinely choreographed yogic practice. Read the rest of this entry »