From: Human Resources Dept. – a division of HP Primate Services
Topic: Hiring Procedures
Attention: Hiring Supervisors
Security Level: Eyes only. Do not circulate or copy document. Especially no copying since even we can’t afford our own ink cartridges.
Attention Hiring Supervisors,
In an effort to ensure a high-caliber workforce (high-caliber in terms of achievement and not weaponry), Hewlett-Packard’s Human Resources Dept. (or HP’s HR) has created this determinative questionnaire to screen prospective litigants employees for suitability. Applicants must answer all questions, after which they can expect to have their wallet returned.
This is a confidential and proprietary document and as such no photocopies or facsimiles are allowed to circulate outside the HP Compound or to anyone with the last name of Snowden. Please have the applicant surrender all materials upon completion of this document, including the special crayon.
Welcome the applicant and put them at ease by providing them a complimentary bottle of water (from which you will lift fingerprints and retrieve saliva-based DNA). Inform them that the entire process takes less time than a colonoscopy and is far less invasive (providing they’re cooperative).
Encourage them to think of the HP chaperone holding their personal effects as just a big friendly elf there to protect them. Once they answer everything on the form completely, release them to the Reeducation Complex for indoctrination or out-processing, depending on how they answered. Assure them there are no wrong answers, but that evasive answers are viewed as insults by our bouncers chaperones.
Good Luck and please impress upon our future employee that dishonesty will only earn them an armband and segregation from the rest of the population.
Please find 2 applicant documents below:
- Standard Disclaimer with job description
- A sample Applicant Information Form filled out by current employee David Hardiman, who has since been promoted to our Ivory Tusk Trading Dept.
The chip-embedded crayon will be sent under separate cover.
Thank you very much. Your cooperation is not only appreciated, it’s mandatory.
Dr. Ursula Van Wyck
HP Propaganda Services
How we use your data
Thank you for your interest in a career at Hewlett-Packard Corporation. At HP we take your personal information very thoroughly, and we will only use it against the person who gives it to us (that would be you). After 90 days we electronically store all your information to ensure it remains forever part of your permanent record; even if the statute of limitations has run out and even if your clergyman vouches for your rehabilitation. At HP your personal information is secure with us as well as any 3rd party affiliates who have an economic interest in using you as a profit center, and pretty much anyone else willing to pay us for keeping your dirty laundry soiled.
We are pleased you’re applying for the job of Assistant Junior Janitor located at Nerd Annex 3. We hope you find your new career at HP rewarding as we continue to recover from Carly Fiorina’s tenure. Thank you for your interest in this exciting field of Custodial Services and remember: “What happens on Page Mill Rd. stays on Page Mill Rd.”
Applicant Information Form
Name: David Hardiman
Aliases Used: The Thighmaster (in college), Hal Itosis
Last Job Held: Blood Donor
How Long: 3 years on and off
Reason for Leaving: Woozy
Contact: Nurse Chappell, Livermore Red Cross
Other Jobs: Court Appointed Sexual Assault Demonstration Dummy (at least that’s what I was told)
Contact: A woman named Ursula. Never did get her last name.
Highest Level of Education: Graduate of Trump University
Degree (if any): Masters in Bankruptcy Administration
High School: J Hall Institute
Contact at School: Warden Lopez
Junior High School: Home Schooled (even though we were homeless)
Contact: A guy named Manny from under the bridge
iPhone Passcode (mandatory): 1-2-3-4
Sexual Orientation: Mostly Heterosexual, Somewhat Narcissistic
Explain: I’ve chosen to be heterosexual, but I’m also crazy about me
Please list any awards or honors you’ve won:
- Voted most likely Repeat Offender: Juvy Hall Institute 2002
- Placed on a special “Watch List” in the Gwen Stefani Fan Club for licking her stamps even though they were self-adhesive
- Participation Trophy for 5K Walk promoting Ignorance Awareness
- For imitating a burglar I received a 2 year all-expense paid trip to Leavenworth, KS
Please share some things about you we might not know, but you think are important:
- I once won $50 writing “Benedict Cumberbatch” in the snow.
- I visit car washes and binge-watch people vacuuming their cars.
- I still play with Hot Wheels, but at a very, very sophisticated level.
- I once paid for cosmetic surgery on my jowly Bloodhound.
- I’m afraid to enter a store where Girl Scout Cookies are sold out front.
- I have visited the grave of Bob Crane.
- I still can’t believe Villanova beat Georgetown in the 1985 NCAA tournament.
Have you ever fantasized about building a model Tupperware habitat for your co-workers where you’d feed them leaves and grub worms? (If you need more paper to explain, please put down your crayon, retrieve your belongings and leave now):
No way. I would use a more environmentally friendly material than Tupperware. So, strictly speaking, no I guess.
Why do you want to work for Hewlett-Packard:
I’m anemic from all the bloodletting, plus Ursula won’t take my calls.
Thank you very much David Hardiman and please surrender your crayon, leave the bottled water and step away from the desk. Your chaperone will now escort you to the Reeducation Complex where you’ll either be out-processed or tattooed.