***The Academy is Losing It***

As movie demographics fragment, Uncle Oscar gets a makeover. But will we still be recognizale?

In a craven attempt to remain relevant, the beleaguered Academy Awards Show has endeavored to reposition itself after last year’s Best Picture fiasco. And in a process reflecting the same mentality that went into assigning the right number of life boats to the Titanic, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences has announced some changes to this year’s awards show. As expected, the first order of business was to nominate Meryl Streep for 14 Academy Awards – this despite the fact she’s not been in any movies at all this year. There were other surprise announcements made at the slowly-arranged press conference. The press conference was slowly-arranged, so as to not have damning press clippings refer to it as “hastily arranged press conference.” The press event was held at the Lawndale Waffle House on El Segundo. It’s more newsworthy items are highlighted below:

 
1. The award for Best Foreign Short will be presented to a Napoleon impersonator.
 
2. Announced that Mr. Bob Hope will host this year’s show.
 
3. New category: Movies Unconnected to Kevin Bacon.
 
4. Martin Scorsese will be nominated for being Martin Scorsese.
 
5. Macaulay Culkin to accept Lifetime Achievement Award.
5.5 Jim Carrey to accept Lifetime Achievement Award, but only for his achievements up to 2005.
 
6. Hologram of Tupac Shakur to present posthumous Grammy to hologram of Henry Mancini – wrong on so many levels.
 
7. Telecast will be sponsored by the all-new Chevrolet Corvair: Rear-engined technology that’s safe at any speed.
 
8. La La Land nominated again. This time for Most Gracious Loser.
 
 
It is hoped these subtle changes will inject new life into a telecast that routinely pulled 40 million viewers, but now is seen by fewer than 108, and most of those from the Motion Picture Home for Retired Actors also located in Lawndale. In fact many of its inmates attended the Academy’s slowly-arranged 4 pm press conference because it coincided with the Chicken à la King Early Bird Special. 

12 Uplifting Internet Headlines

  1. Trump to Nation: I was just doing this to get attention. Now I’m stuck being President. Be careful what you wince for. 
  1. Elon Musk to Provide Free Flying Electric Umbrellas to First 100 “Mary Poppins” movie-goers.
  1. Flint, Michigan Getting its Spark Back
  1. Even if You Forgot the Question, Love is Still the Answer
  1. Bend, Oregon Getting Things Straightened Out
  1. Costco Surrenders to Popular Demand: “Alright already. We’ll remain in Christmas mode all year round now. We’ll be like a charming little Christmas village…in a big ugly warehouse,” says Mr. Costco
  1. Moscow, Idaho to Change Name to Trump, Idaho
  1. Shirley MacLaine to be Reincarnated as a Spunky Actress in Next Life: Wait Till You See What She Looks Like Then!
  1. Philadelphia, PA admits Mistake: Will Now be Known as Filadelfia. No word yet on Worcestershire, MA.
  1. Confused Internet Users Admit: So Much Time to Waste. So Little Time to Do It In.
  1. Grilled Cheese Better for the Heart than Once Thought, says Kraft Cardiologist Group
  1. Dogs are Really Just Saying Thank You When They Sniff Your Crotch. So are Husbands.

Top 10 Signs You May Have Alzheimer’s Disease

  1. You don’t think you have it
  2. You start a joke: “A rabbi, a priest and an atheist walk into a room”…and then you forget why they went in there.
  3. You thought the Ice Bucket Challenge would’ve cured it by now
  4. Sppeling detriorates
  5. You feel you’re in New Jersey all the time because you fuggedaboutit.
  6. You know it’s important to observe the first rule of Fight Club, but you just can’t remember it.
  7. You think you can make fun of it in a stupid little list
  8. You can only think of 8 reasons why you may have Alzheimer’s when you said you’d list 10.

Bear-tipping Craze Strikes Appalachia

Ursine-toppling Mania Grips Region as Hillbillies Invoke Unknown Constitutional Amendment: “The right to bear tips.”

Groggy bear emerging from den just begging to be tipped.

Fifteen miles east of Dollywood Theme Park, in the backwater hamlet of Intelligence Gap, Tennessee, Purvis Cooter is excited about Hickam County’s upcoming bear-tipping festival. Early on the rural community was in a quandary over whether to fund the festival or spend the money on electrifying the town. They chose the festival and now the annual jamboree is the town’s major source of revenue – especially since the Fotomat closed. As the sister city of Pamplona, Spain, Intelligence Gap has reformulated Pamplona’s annual Running of the Bulls and calls its version The Tipping of the Bears. In 2012 Chuck Norris kindly refused their request to be Grand Marshall. Chuck Norris doesn’t tip bears. He just points, and they go down. Read the rest of this entry »

Bonkers in the Bunker: Hitler’s Final Days

Young Adolf, seen here in happier times. Note absence of malice.

With the recent discovery of Adolf Hitler’s Berlin bunker diary, scholars and skinheads alike have been combing the pages for insights into why the charismatic German Chancellor and spawn of Satan unleashed such evil. His diary was unearthed quite inadvertently when Disney broke ground for a new theme park in Berlin called “Maus Haus”. The handwritten journal catalogues how Hitler’s formerly unshakable belief in Aryan supremacy, miraculously transforms itself into a muddle of anxiety, so that ironically, by the end of the diary he sounds less like the ruler of the Master Race and more like a kvetching Jew. The same accounting firm that supervised the Oscar voting process (PricewaterhouseCooper) authenticated the diary, so we know it’s legit. Of course verification was made easier because of Hitler’s telltale handwriting – he dotted all his i’s with little swastikas.

Historians wonder what motivated Hitler. They speculate on Hitler this, and Hitler that. What I wonder is why Hitler is always referred to simply as “Hitler” and never as “Mr. Hitler”, as in, “Mr. Hitler then decided to invade his neighbor Poland.” Wait! Oh I see why. Mr. Hitler humanizes Hitler. Historians want to eliminate the possibility of a buoyant and fatherly “Mr. Hitler” rallying his nation to find their greatness after the humiliation of WWI. But one can easily imagine a title-less “Hitler” fanatically leading Germany down an inglorious path of self-destruction. Maybe that’s why there’s no Mr. Genghis Khan or Mr. Vlad the Impaler. Read the rest of this entry »

John Jacob Astor: America’s First Tycoon

John Jacob Astor was one of the 5 richest Americans ever.

John Jacob Astor (1763-1848) was America’s first multimillionaire. He made his fortune in the fur business, which at that time, was an honorable and necessary profession. In those mean, frigid times before the invention of Gore-Tex and Holofill, fur didn’t mean murder; it meant survival. Astor was a renowned furrier and his witty wife Sarah would often quip, “Oh you’re a furrier alright. In fact you’re furrier than anyone I’ve ever seen.”

Astor was born in Germany and emigrated to the United States after the Revolutionary War. He settled in New-York City, which at the time was just Manhattan and not yet the 5 boroughs we’re so familiar with today. Astor’s monopolistic fur trading empire stretched from the Great Lakes into Canada and all the way to the West Coast, which at that time was not yet part of the United States. That concludes the book report aspect of his life, which at this point has not yet become interesting. Read the rest of this entry »

 Lightning Strikes…Twice

Fellow Romantics and Normal People,

11th President James Knox Polk rocks my world and not because I’m stoned.

In life there are happy little things that appeal universally to everyone – like getting the crunchy, brown corner piece of macaroni & cheese or firing-up your Netflix cue on a rainy day. And then there are more esoteric things that appeal to a small clutch of peculiarly curated humans (yours truly among them) that make our hearts soar and our dreams toggle from wishful thinking to sweet reality. The experience I’m about to describe definitely falls into the latter category. It was my “macaroni & cheese moment” for the eccentrically endowed.

I have an extravagant interest in presidential history, so you’d not find it surprising I’ve grown especially enamored of the few extant presidential daguerreotypes taken at the dawn of photography (1839-1849). I’ve breathlessly examined these precious early daguerreotypes like a sculptor minutely studies the contours of his model to understand the interior superstructure supporting the external surface. I’ve pored over these images with wistful reverence, ardently projecting myself into the static black and white scenes to animate and colorize them while dreaming of meeting the personalities and experiencing the tenor of their times. And in all the time I’ve been doing this there has only been a finite number of images to enliven because (to paraphrase Will Rogers reason on why it’s a good bet to buy land) “They ain’t makin’ anymore.” Read the rest of this entry »

Epitaphs in the Cemetery for the Terminally Ironic

  1. Tombstone version of the Magic 8 Ball. (French “yes”) + (German “yes”) = oui-ja

    They cremated me and now I’m such an ash.

  2.  

    1. Why does this coffin have cup holders and an air bag? Hey wait a minute. They buried me in my car!

     

    1. Is it me or are you really that tall?

     

    1. That Melissa McCarthy kills me. I’m serious. She murdered me. Get her.

     

    1. The guy who wrote this is a chiseler

     

    1. Did all my own stunt work. Although probably should’ve used a stunt double on that last one.

     

    1. And then the alien said, “It’s a cookbook.”

     

    1. Death is the ultimate mic drop

     

    1. Don’t worry ladies. If you’re wearing a dress, I’m face down.

     

    1. It turns out the Surgeon General was right. Smoking really is harmful.

     

    1. Forgive people their ignorance. Start with me.

     

    1. And then he said, “Oh, don’t worry, these bungee cords never snap.”

     

    1. Was privileged to see America made great again.

     

    1. If you’re high and open a jar of Fluffernutter it always gets finished. In fact you don’t even have to be high.

     

    1. Buried with my cat. Kinda wish we put her to sleep first. I’m a shredded mess.

     

    1. I don’t care – I’m still getting my orthodontia work done.

     

    1. Thanks a lot Obama!

     

    1. I was so poor I was living from my girlfriend’s paycheck to my girlfriend’s paycheck {Not really an epitaph. I just thought of it and didn’t want to waste it.}

     

    1. If you can read this epitaph you’re standing on my nuts.

     

    1. I used to “Be Here Now.” Now I “Was There Then.”

     

    1. When you can figure out how to properly space this thing, call me will ya? 

     

GraveEncounters.com Presents: Personal Ads for Dead People

Good news for dearly departed souls  (seen here jumping for joy). Love never ends. It just changes form.

The matchmakers at GraveEncounters.com have created a corpse-friendly website for those dearly departed souls who are looking for love in the Afterlife. The graveyard has long been a dormant market for swinging singles, but with GraveEncounters.com’s patented NecroLink bandwidth and Blacktooth technology, the recently deceased can now pursue an affair of the heart long after theirs has stopped beating.  

As Celine Dion has so eloquently reminded us: Your heart will go on. And it’s not a cliché. Death won’t still the yearning heart from connecting with the One. Once having crossed over you’ll still retain that powerful urge to merge. And that’s why GraveEncounters.com has carefully screened over 8,000,000 profiles of dearly departed who are just dying to meet you. Alright, that was a cliché, but whether you’re recently deceased or have been a-moldering since before the wheel was discovered, we encourage you to browse our no-obligation preview page to find that special decedent who’s a match made in heaven. Enjoy the convenience of our “Virtual Mortuary” website where calling hours are 24/7. Who knows, maybe you’ll find love and no one will ever again have to pry your lover from your cold dead hands.

GraveEncounters.com: Because love shouldn’t have to end with, “Hey Doc, shouldn’t my liver be on the inside?”

 

A Sampling of Our Member Profiles

1. Lonely zombie seeks brainy type for companionship and more. Definitely more interested in your brains than your body.

 

2. Cryogenically frozen lady seeks a warm-blooded man to melt my cold, cold heart…and my other organs too. Please rescue me. I implore you. Your Ice Princess awaits her Prince Warming. Read the rest of this entry »

Dear Corporate America,

This is what I look like after being on hold for 58 minutes to talk to a guy in Sri Lanka about my BBQ warranty. This is what I look like after being on hold for 58 minutes waiting to talk to a guy in Sri Lanka about my BBQ warranty.

It’s time we had a talk. I want you to know I appreciate <insert product or service here>, but that I will never memorize my 12-digit account number. Additionally, I don’t know my password, which has been changed three times in the last year and contains a Capital letter, a Number and a Diacritical mark of some kind so that it looks more like a swear word than a password. Finally I never need to listen closely to your automated phone tree just because “some of our options may have changed.” I never had the original options memorized to begin with and I never will.

Please help me simplify my life by just looking up my name and authenticating me by verifying the answers to my security questions. The answers usually being: “6 months” and “grave robbing.”

And the questions being: How much jail time have you served? and What is your favorite hobby? (Which incidentally is the same reason I did jail time).

If you would do that for me <insert name of corporation here> I would get back the 2 months of my life I’ve spent trying to tell you it really is me.

Now, before you go, if you’d like to take a survey expressing your level of satisfaction with this letter, press 1 for yes. If you don’t press 1 for yes expect another 8 minutes added to your hold time – just sayin’.

Thank You for Listening,

Your Loyal Consumer David Hasenpfeffer