Our 19th President is said to be related to all the bearded Red Sox except Ortiz. 

“Dad?”

Boston MA – Seven teammates on the World Series champion Boston Red Sox are believed to be descendants of former President Rutherford B Hayes. The connection was discovered quite by accident when a genealogist at Ancestry.com saw an eerie similarity in their facial hair. After doing some research that can best be described as superficial, genealogist Kenneth Conigliaro explained, “At first I thought they’d descended from the Smith Brothers Cough Drops family, but on closer examination I detected a genetic similarity common to the facial hair of all 7 and sure enough all beards pointed to Rutherford B Hayes.”

When asked about slugger David Ortiz, Mr. Conigliaro offered; “Big Papi is from Santo Domingo and is not at all related to President Hayes. Genetic markers indicate he’s related to Nixon who spent time there in the early 60’s when he was having a personality installed as he readied himself for the ’68 campaign.” To buttress his evidence Mr. Conigliaro noted that Mr. Ortiz has a cat named Agnew. In tracing the relatives of President Hayes, Conigliaro believes Rutherford B Hayes is related to both Susan B Anthony and Johnny B Goode – by middle initial. After stating he hopes the Red Sox win the Super Bowl next year too, Mr. Conigliaro was led away by a very nice man holding a butterfly net.

In the thrilling celebratory moments after the last strike, David Ortiz was asked what he was going to do now that he was World Series MVP. He excitedly bellowed, “I’m going to that restaurant in the Bronx where Michael Corleone killed Sollazzo. I hear they’ve got the best veal in the city.”

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