Upon authoring a major book, it is always appropriate to thank the people instrumental in its publication. This is more commonly referred to as the Acknowledgement section of a book and is invariably appended to its end, just prior to the Index. The acknowledgement is where the author usually thanks his saintly mother for the use of her loins in birthing him and possibly his graduate research assistant for something very similar. Now I’ve yet to write my Magnum Opus or even my Mini Opus, but to stay ahead of the game I’ve decided to prepare my Acknowledgement section in advance so that when it comes time to write the book I won’t procrastinate with the excuse; “Well I’ve got this great idea all laid out, but I just can’t bring myself to write the stupid Acknowledgement.” Therefore it is with the utmost gratitude and humility I present:

 

Acknowledgements

I would be remiss if I didn’t express my profound gratitude to myself for my unique connection to the All-Being through whose grace I’ve been privy to things civilians could never access. Through the intercession of our Lord I’ve been able to produce such a magnificent work. I thank Him for recognizing my brilliance. Being a chosen one was not my idea. Really, I had no choice in the matter. But since its incumbent upon me to appear grateful and to give the reader a sense of the book’s gravity by referring to a vast network of unseen assistants supporting the effort, I should probably pretend to give credit where credit isn’t due.

First of all I’d like to thank the phrase “First of all” for creating a jumping off point to pretend to praise people. Secondly, and in no particular order, although it is second and I just stated as much, I’d like to thank all the little people who make dwarf-tossing possible – you know who you are. I’d also like to thank whoever is responsible for maintaining Earth’s atmosphere in a healthy gaseous proportion consistent with human life so I could move ahead with my ideas without fear of either asphyxiation or methane back draft. Thank you Monsanto Corp. I guess. For inventing the printing press Johannes Guttenberg gets a smiley emoticon :-). For inventing Word Processing, the Cuisinart Corporation gets the  Cut & Paste Award aka “ctrl V.”

Furthermore, be it understood that at no time during my writing was I not furnished with enough whiskey to sterilize a platoon of casualties. Thank you Mr. Jack Daniels. My 9 year old daughter Cynthia played a major role in proofreading this book and that may account for the phrase One Direction appearing out of context several times throughout the text. I’d like to thank my research assistant Raoul Tenafly for enduring a cold lonely winter at the South Pole even though I told him specifically “North Pole.”

This book could never have been completed if my wife Mildred had not walked me through my Writer’s Block by suggesting I place a period at the end the last sentence. Without her I might never have finished the book. I’d also like to express my profound gratitude to Mildred for not exposing me to my other family. Remember darling, just like with children, I have no “favorite wife.” I love you both equally. 

I’d like to thank the University of Washington for allowing me to use their bathroom. It was there in the Chemistry Dept. I discovered those Dyson AirBlades® can not only dry your hands efficiently, but will pretty much blow on anything that’s dangled before them. The following people: Kathy Higuera, Robert Cornelius and Amanda Schug are just names I made up and as such deserve no credit for anything – especially that Cornelius character.

Without passing several polygraph tests and police line ups I would never have had the freedom to complete this work. Thank you Lindsay Lohan. And finally praise be to that force which binds us all together and the invisible cord emanating from the Godhead enveloping us all. Without your caring reassurance I’d be just another egotistical poseur. So thank you Costco.

And finally, I’d like to thank my saintly mother Dorothy for all she so selflessly did in raising me. And to my lovely graduate assistant Rita for all she so selflessly did in raising other things; the specifics of which a court-issued gag order prevents me from detailing. I guess it’s up to me to figure out some way to get the trailer-hitch rechromed.

Now that I’ve thanked everyone I am debt free and my credit score is sterling.

Please note: This book was printed on paper made from wantonly felled rain forest trees and several indigenous Amazonian tribesman died from exposure to the White Man’s common cold.