Archive for April, 2016

One bite of this forbidden hot dog and I’ve had 43 years of indigestion. I finally found the antidote.

Why would I reveal a perfectly executed petit larceny committed at the tender age of 12 while working the portable hot dog stand at our end of year elementary school celebration? Because I want to redeem myself for my wretchedness. I’m not confessing so much to exorcise my demons, as I am taking the advice of the band Heart, who encouraged us to “♫Even it up, even it up, even it up♫.”

It is often said that justice delayed is justice denied. And that may be the case in this instance. But what choice do I have in correcting something 43 years after the fact? I’m just trying to restore things to their original equilibrium and this self-correcting expose is as good a starting point as any. Perhaps my bite-sized, youthful indiscretion can be remedied with the same ease in which it was committed. I sure hope so. When it comes to appeasing the exacting justice of the Lord of Karma I hedge my bets. For example, I donate to a couple of food banks and I’ve always made a point to tip 20% even when the service was only 15% worthy. In this particular case I’m attempting to “unscrew” something I so blithely screwed-up in the first place. Read the rest of this entry »

Welcome to the exciting world of ushering. May I help you find your seat so you can sit back and relax while you read my autobiography?

“Ushering is not a choice. I was born this way. I’ve always fancied people’s seats.”

Author’s Note: My cellmate says I should be careful in writing this “Sit and Tell” autobiography. He said if I expose the names of individuals I’ve put in their seats I’ll bring dishonor unto the House of Usher. I should point out, a “cellmate” is just a friend I speak with on my cell phone.

My Story Begins
I consider myself a man in full. However about 90% of that fullness comes from the stature I’ve gained in my career as an usher. I love ushering. Which is just another way of saying, “Aisle of ushering.” Either way I can’t explain my attraction to it. Early on I had a strong interest not only in picking my friends, but also in picking their seats. I’ve always wanted to be a professional escort, and ushering has allowed me the honor of being a paid escort. Read the rest of this entry »