Archive for December, 2018

Anniversary Gifts for the 21^st Century

In response to Hallmark’s more traditional anniversary gifts, Sir Reginald Drumthwacket, the eccentric trendsetter of the normally hidebound Harrods’s department store in England, presents a decidedly peculiar alternative.

Sir Reginald Drumthwacket’s Most Judicious Guide to Proper Wedding Anniversary Gifts for inter-spousal commemoration of their marriage date. Ordered by Years:

1. Monogrammed His & Hers Catheters – Who wants to get out of bed every night to answer the call? Am I right? Nighttime collection can be purified while you sleep, and ready for recycling the next morning. Available only at Harrods.
2. Cancellation of Netflix Subscription – Now you’ll have the time to do something together besides watch TV (and the other thing).
3. Ancestry.com’s “Please Tell Me I’m Not Related to Hitler” family tree research kit.
4. An autographed copy of the book: Ventriloquism for Dummies. It’s autographed by the ghost writer of course.
5. 23andMe’s What Will I Die From? DNA Testing Kit – Give the gift that helps you determine which of you should buy more life insurance.
6. Single Use Paper Towel Shower Curtain – People think they’re stupid until they try one, which then removes all doubt.
7. Soothing Talcum Powder – Helps prevent the 7 year itch
8. 23andMe’s Could I Be Black? DNA Testing Kit for white people – Admit it. You know you wonder. 
9. Stilts – Don’t be caught short. They can elevate your marriage to a whole new level. Great fun when watching the movie Walking Tall.
10. 23andMe’s How White Am I? DNA Testing Kit for people of color – Admit it. You know you wonder. 
11. Crystal Blue Persuasion – Great gift. We’re told It’s a new vibration.
12. Brownish Stains on Fresh Linens – You’d be surprised just how popular these blemishes of questionable origin are becoming. Not a gag gift, although you may gag upon opening it. Choose from ochres, umbers and burnt siennas. Half the fun is using the post-shower curtain paper towel from your 6^th anniversary to clean the stains.
13. T-shirt Proclaiming: I’m Not Up to Speed on Anything.
14. Video of Annette Funicello singing “Monkey’s Uncle.” Annette Beach Boys Monkeys Uncle – Enjoy America’s early 60’s sweetheart as she sings and dances with the Beach Boys’ Mike Love. Thrill to witness Mike Love’s reluctant kind of dancing that make plodding zombies look like Mikhail Baryshnikov.
15. Tungsten – Not something you’d usually associate with matrimonial bliss, but metals in solid form are the new gold. Which, now that I think of it, is also a metal in solid form. OK just skip 13 altogether and go straight to 14, in kind of a Marital Leap Year. 13 is unlucky anyway.
16. An Annealing Oven – Why stand over a hot stove when you can be a kneeling?
17. Cellulite – Just like a diamond, cellulite is forever. Again, not something you’d normally associate with matrimonial bliss, but fat in solid form is the new lipid, which, now that I think of it, is also a fat in solid form. The point is, it’s better to receive cellulite from a loved one than from the tiramisu at the Cheesecake Factory.
18. Daylight Savings Time Piggy Bank – Save your sunshine for a rainy day.
19. Egg Beater T-shirts saying: I Was Scrambled at the Factory. Note: Wife Beater T-shirt no longer available.
20. An Empty Tin of Evaporated Milk – Well, what else would you expect? It’s evaporated.

    21. thru Infinity. Love – Remember, All You Need is Love