While all men might be created equally, it ain’t necessarily so with animals. And if you’ve ever seen a squirrel try to cross a street or a horse eating his own road apples, you know what I’m talking about. From all outward appearances most animals look quite normal, but sadly, many are one taco short of a combination platter. This article, offensive on so many levels, is an attempt to give voice to the untreated problem of mental retardation in animals. In some skewed way though, perhaps this essay is really a cry for help. Not for animals, but for me. For perhaps it is I who suffers some form of mental retardation. After all, I am writing this. But how could it be me? I took the long bus to school.

Dysfunction in Predators

History is littered with animals that have swum in the shallow end of the gene pool. Lindsay Lohan and Anthony Weiner come to mind. But human animals aside, the Animal Kingdom mirrors our own in many ways except they don’t warehouse their serial underachievers in loony bins. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have used the term “loony bins.” I should’ve used the more politically correct term, “booby hatches.” Animals keep their crazies in the clan. These genetically compromised creatures eventually reveal themselves in varying ways. For example, after the hunt, when hungry predators gather around to feed on their kill, you’ll find half-a-deck “Jeffrey” gnawing on the hoof like a manic pedicurist. They may also reveal their incapacity in other ways too; like drinking from the toilet or thinking FOX News is unbiased.

Dysfunction in Dolphins

Let us not forget that when man was just a low-brow knuckle-dragger scratching out a living by hunting and gathering, dolphins were the apex of God’s creation. In fact they may still be. They never bother themselves with AP classes, PE ratios or gluten frenzies. They’re living life as it was meant to be experienced. Heck I’d marry one if I wasn’t allergic to brine. Remember, these high-functioning dolphins take neither the short nor long bus to school. They’re always in school. Of course even dolphins have a few underachievers in their midst. For example, some seaside recycling centers have reported bottle-nosed dolphins trying to get the deposit on their noses.

Dysfunction in Dogs

Animal psychiatrists agree that when a dog licks his own genitals, it proves he is both depraved and mentally incapacitated. I think they’re just jealous. In actuality the converse is true. This act of auto-pleasuring demonstrates the animal’s innate intelligence and savvy opportunism. He’d be crazy not to. Now if only the little bastard could get his bitch to do this he’d be a genius.

Dysfunction in Primates

I wonder about things more than your average bear. In fact that’s one of the things I wonder about. Not your average bear, but the deviant bear. The one that’s one nugget short of a Happy Meal^®. And it’s not just bears either. It’s all animals. We look at a sleek animal and just assume they’re high-functioning creatures, like Vanna White or the judges on America’s Got Hammer Toe. But of course in a random population of animals a few are bound to suffer from mental disorders just like Donald Trump or Vladimir Putin do. In fact animal retardation is woefully underreported because, except for mynah birds and Arnold Schwarzenegger, animals don’t speak.

Primates are a fairly advanced order of animals, even if you include Joan Rivers. Very few monkeys take the short vine to school. Generally they live in a hierarchical society based on picking and eating the lice from each other’s backs. While this may not seem very advanced, it’s an improvement over the previous hierarchy based on picking and eating the wax from each other’s ears. At one point some African primates had elected a sort of Pope that superintended the spiritual needs of the community, but the Primate Popes didn’t like the job because they weren’t allowed to have sex. This is the same reason the priesthood is such an unpopular order to join today. They’re not allowed to have sex – at least with women their own age.

Dysfunction in Cattle

You see it played out across the stockyards of America. Dolorous cattle unwittingly satisfied by the abundance of food and the lack of predators. You’d think beef cattle might wonder why there are no other cattle around older than three years. No one is dying of old age here and they just blithely go about their business chewing their cud and licking their nostrils until they’re made into a car seat or a Gordita. Get a clue before you’re glue my bovine dunces. Your supposed benefactors are fattening you up for a reason Mr. Porterhouse. Clearly cattle lack the capacity to sense danger in much the same way General George Custer did. To his credit though, at least people never went Custer-tipping.

Dysfunction in Woodpeckers

You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a developmentally disabled Woodpecker jackhammer away at an aluminum pole till he’s woozy. There’s an awful beauty in their stubborn tenacity. They might continue this rhythmic pounding for hours until their peckers are completely worn out, or until the aluminum pole says, “Enough already. I’m tired,” and rolls over and goes to sleep.

A Raunchy Dog-Related Joke Reflecting My Mental Retardation

A dog whisperer working at a shelter for unwed bitches asks one of the residents how she became pregnant. The bitch responds, “The bastard said he’d pull out, but didn’t.” As the whisperer is leaving the shelter, we see that it’s actually a Planned Parenthood.   

Another Non Sequitir Joke Reflecting My Mental Retardation

The following things all walk into a bar together: an abominable abdomen, an anemone and an inanimate object:

The abdomen says, “The Jihad had had haddock.”

The anemone says, “The thing of it is is, is Israel really serious?”

The bartender finally says, “What is this? Some kind of a joke?”

To which the inanimate object replies, “We were hoping you knew.”

As they’re leaving the bar, we see that it’s actually a Planned Parenthood.

Dysfunction in Ants

No deficiencies noted. They’re methodical, selfless and directed. Just like Asians.

Dysfunction in Zebras

A simple creature to begin with (they see the world in black and white), Zebras are mulattoes that never gave in. Zebras bring new meaning to the term “separate but equal.” 

God. Doing the Best He Can with the Tools Available (and what “Tools” we are)

In the not too distant future (certainly no more distant than 5 kilometers), we’ll come to understand that we were all born retarded. Perhaps I should euphemize that sentence, but with the same meaning. Here goes: In the not too distant future (certainly no more distant than 3.1 miles), we’ll come to understand that we were all born with limitations. And, at one level, no amount of judging, complaining or accumulation will alter that. That’s why one level is so limiting and in order to transcend it you must think multi-dimensionally. Perhaps I should rephrase this entire story, but with a different meaning. Nah, that would just be retarded. Like my next article on developmentally disabled plants.

Hmmm. Let’s see: “The Weeping Willow was so depressed he sought the counsel of a Sunflower.” That’s it and once again I’m onto something big. Big I tell ya!