Einsteinsteinstein: Bonus Material, Outtakes, Edits and Alternate Versions

Einsteinsteinstein: Bonus Material, Outtakes, Edits and Alternate Versions

Flatiron Bldg NYC

Flatiron Bldg NYC 1903. This photo is provided as a diversion for an audience that can only take so much HTML. In 1916 the Flatiron Building hit puberty and has since been referred to as The Sweater Girl Building. Sadly, despite several recent collagen treatments, cracks are beginning to appear in her facade.

The following are ideas, half-baked notions and alternate takes that didn’t make it into the Einstein Story:

Attends gay rodeo where he has another superlative insight no one else had thought of. Looking beyond the superficial he realizes it’s the animals and not the cowboys who are gay.

For a more complete understanding I suggest hallucinogenics. Kepler observations

coined the term “prosthetic intelligence” when it comes to

Yes. I hope to be reincarnated as a bookstore kitty.

Put me in coach, although I’d prefer 1st class

Her Lesbianic protestations and homosexual perturbations notwithstanding, Lois Catwalk had a kind of apple cheeked, girl next door attitude…if you were living next door to a Lipstick Lesbian Habitat.

The Curved Back in on Itself Ending

So yes he’s a brilliant savant and yes we’re in awe of the éclat with which he conjures and expresses our universal blueprint. He’s fun to praise, but note this quotation he ascribed to his fame vs. accomplishment- “the contrast between the popular estimate of my powers and achievements, and the reality is simply grotesque.” False modesty? Perhaps, but as one examine his actions,  he enjoyed his celebrity but took no steps to either stanch it or capitalize on it. He simply let it run its course. , but parallel to all that was a man who had to spen his 76 year human life span on earth’s timeline because not only could he not physically approach the speed of light, he never got much past 4 mph. He did his work and played his role of the absent-minded professor. And after 2 wives and 3 citizenships he still couldn’t remember to wear socks. Simultaneity

AE. Shines flashlight at Jack & Jill. Fetches a pail of water. By the time he gets it home the water is holding the pail.

Some of these professors you point, and they only look at the end of your finger

The most distant object in the universe was his father

Can you imagine the earth getting larger so the equator no longer fits around it.

In antiquity due to the lack of mirrors, people didn’t really know what they looked like.

Boon companion

See what I mean? I can’t keep it straight. How can we treat those afflicted with ignorance? Another federal Wisdom Stimulus Bill or could we remedy these deficits with government Consciousness Vouchers? Maybe it’s a matter better left to the states. I don’t know. I mean you want to make the world better place? Forget the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation and start researching sound equations for rediscovering our source. If there are formulas for equating mass and energy, surely there are practical prescriptions for accessing transcendent awareness. Where are those unheralded contributors now?

Truth be told I’m not so much concerned with saving everyone else as I am with thinking very locally and rediscovering my own nature. The truculent among us exclaim, “Unify this!” But I’d rather start an Occupy God movement for the 99% of us who are unenlightened.


Einstein: explained the unseen mathematically The facile answer is he wrote papers in one dizzying year of 1905 correctly predicting how light (all radiation not just visible light) is bent by gravity. After breakfast he laid out the quanta, the photoelectric effect, special theory of relativity (moving) and E=mc², in addition to painting his

house that summe  Einsteinsteinstein how his name is written in a warped gravitational field

Couldn’t ask for a slice of pumpernickel bread w/o giggling like a young girl

“It’s who got there first..Jesus (love thy neighbor as thyself, turn the other cheek) Picasso (Cubism). Everyone later is derivative. Not judging. It just is

how come you never hear about Lo fructose corn syrup

Increment decrement

Thought experiments

He did all this, by the way, without benefit of lo carb diets or high fructose corn syrup.

Principle of simultaneityEspecially when you’re pointing to something that is the real software and not some bullsh*t evaporative experience promising everything but delivering little but short term relief.

Fabulously gifted in some areas Not bad for an academically rebellious daydreamer who couldn’t even get a job as a math teacher following his graduation with good (not great) grades from Zurich Polytechnic in 1900. Part of his problem was that for about 6 months he insisted that in his warped universe the numeral 5 should be replaced by a rose. This corrupted many of his calculations and, as some might already suspect, made him a thorn in the sides of his professors, who claimed he’d smell just as sweet had his name been Milton Applebaum.

Einstein has become the iconic touchstone of all things scientifically unknowable. We knuckle draggers may not understand the Cosmos, but he knew that at the end of the day   and that having said that   least one of us (Einstein) did. So we breathe life into his Macy’s Day Float and the miss beauty of his ambiguity. And if you read this any faster, when you’re done you may be wearing a diaper.

It takes a lot support to be a genius. For example his photoelectric effect didn’t just occur in a vacuum. It took ah, umm… Well actually it did occur in a vacuum – bad example –, but it also occurred in any number of space-time coordinates.

He almost won the Nobel again in 1940 for his gravity defying hair.

His science was religious without kowtowing to the beneficent and unknowable rather it was   and yet discovered

This didn’t happen in a vacuum, I mean the experiments did but his life certainly didn’t

I recognize I cannot approach these questions directly and might be better off not pursuing them at all. But like Einstein I’ll have to conduct thought experiments and satisfy myself that as time and space are malleable, so to is consciousness. We know that with the exception of North Korea consciousness pervades the entire universe. It is an illusory state, and yet with a hard slap to the face, that illusion disappears immediately and is replaced with “Be Here Now.” Facts are stubborn things. And the fact that Einstein’s laws of Physics operate so flawlessly and that our human consciousnesses operates like a serial underachiever, riles me to no end. When Einstein said, “I’m uncomfortable with spooky action at a distance” he was likely referring to either flaws in his unified field theory or Marilyn Monroe’s effect on the male libido. As I expose my adolescent hopes to the limit here, I admit my understanding of Einstein’s discoveries are fleeting at best, but I do recognize how he took observed phenomenon or and breaking it down aphoristically into explainable facets describing the mechanical action of the universe. And I’m buoyed by the notion of all this enigmatic manifestation ultimately dissolving into a warm pool of unified field theory. From the perspective of my disquieted mind it seems to be the only logical and certainly comforting answer for any frame of reference. Atheist and zealot unite. You’re on the same team whether you’re aware of it or not. The fact that it all derived from one source, at least at some level, is a great motivator when it comes to continuing my 401K contribution. If it sounds like I don’t know what I’m talking about….well…put it this way – I’ve never made a Ritz Mock Apple Pie. That was all Cindy’s idea.Newton: Ensured laws applied to visualized phenomenon

And he was always confusing those Civil Rights counter protest, such as those at a lunch counter, with a counter protest to protest the counter protest. Come to think of it, it confuses me now.Of    he said he has a prosthetic personality he picked up at a medical supply store

I love oranges for their anti-scorbutic properties too

Dr. Purvis Migraine

In his cups in her cups

At the very least couldn’t God give The world would benefit greatly if deer and squirrels were given lessons on how to cross the street

Didn’t take exercise

Was doing the tongue thing long before Gene Simmons.

Adolph Broomstick

Meeting w/a Princeton Prof

Good but bridled joy

Marmoset there’d be days like these, there’d be days like these my Marmoset

I could always tell he’d eaten asparagus recently

New housing development where streets are named after psychoanalytic drs and phenomena

.   Einstein magisterial Arresting discoveries

Hubble telescope

Toronto Maple Leafs not  Leaves why?

Wouldn’t date a girl unless she was tented and fumigated

Analytic intelligence breaks things down

Aphoristic intelligence sums things up

Ventriloquists Book: dummies for dummies

The way a pretty face can give meaning to a bleak universe

Went fly fishing…caught 3 flies

Not a small woman. Her dresses had fender skirts

Only prof I know who suffers from pillow head; and he’s bald

World’s last small screen TV laid to rest in a Des moines land fill

Persian cat meows in Farsi

Thinks he’s gods gift to women he may not have invented sex but he has a patent on masturbation

A Penis grows in Brooklyn

After sex he always lamented “I am so screwed.”

Economic times are tough somebody put a call into Dorothea Lange

You can’t halve your deficit and eat it too

I can’t tell diff tween David O Selznick and Darryl F Zanuck

A man who could photosynthesize, turning sunlight into witticisms

My beauty sleep or as I now call it   sleep

Things I’ve learned from Einstein. As you approach the speed of light mass becomes infinite and you thought you SUV got bad mileage. All electromagnetism (Light radio waves microwaves x rays travel at 186,000mps. Grooming is important.

His beauty sleep didn’t take

guy still trying to remember his cell phone numbers (I don’t know. I never call it.).

“cling to your collective parochial constructs if you must

There may have been Einsteins in the past but I’m sure they would’ve been stoned or dropped into a volcano to appease tribal ignorance. Einstein himself (who else would he be) likely would’ve been gassed had he not fled Nazi Germany in 1933. Thankfully nothing illuminating can be written about the truly transcendent and my feeble (but sincere) attempts to convey a majesty I can neither express nor demonstrate bears testimony to the joy in the pursuit of our origins. But it does feel good pointing to the ultimate mystery and yelling, “That Way!”


One Response to “Einsteinsteinstein: Bonus Material, Outtakes, Edits and Alternate Versions”

  • Diggie:

    I enjoyed very much the Einstein story — too many references to reference. In the spirit of true Hardimania I even read the outtakes, and I ponder the ephemeral question of whether the “I’m uncomfortable with spooky action at a distance” reference was in any way connected with a home furnace and its monster ductwork — know what I’m sayin’?

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