Faustian Bargain Struck: Truths I Must Publicly Admit to, in Order to Gain Entrance Into Heaven

 

I David Hardiman, being of mind and body, and in order to become heaven-worthy, do hereby declare, stipulate and admit the following:

  1. I believe a corn maize is redundant
  2. I Try to be Humble: I only use the word “oomph” only when I want to speak with pizzazz.
  3. I believe it’s important to “dance like no one’s watching.” And I believe this is doubly important when it comes to showering.

    This is one of the toughest gated communities to get into and I need all the help I can to access it.

  4. Cheap Thrills: I admit I have chewed aluminum foil just to experience the low-level tingle of voltage running through my teeth. This measly oral quiver also works by connecting the poles of a 9-volt battery with your tongue
  5. I secretly hope that Yahoo! purchases Yoo-Hoo. You do too?
  6. I once made the mistake of staying at a hotel whose sign read: “Mucous-friendly.” It’s snot true. Really
  7. I admit I once hacked into the Denny’s wireless ordering system and ordered 50 Cheese Omelets. I then nonchalantly walked in just to watch them scramble.
  8. I used to pray with my fingers crossed. These days I pray with my eyes crossed
  9. I shamefully admit, I’ve gone to an AM/PM mini market…just to buy my dinner. Who doesn’t like one (or more) of those high-mileage hot dogs rotated to perfection? Dinner at an AM/PM mini market is kind of like eating at a filling station (a restaurant) within a filling station (a gas station).
  10. I’ve both given and received loincloths as gifts. Heck, when I walk my dog we each wear one. That’s why when traveling I always look for “Loincloth-friendly” hotels. It’s true I’m not trying to cover up anything.
  11. I’ve gnever gnawed gnocchi. Gnot once. Who gnu?
  12. Confused Senses: I have a special talent: I’m a non-lip reader. Without ever looking at someone’s lips I can understand exactly what they’re saying, just by listening. Strangely enough I can only understand sign language by listening to the person next to them speak the words they’re signing. And when I try to explain this to language signers, it falls on deaf ears. Maybe it’s because I wear a mask now and they can only read lips.
  13. Everything I ever needed to learn, I learned in…oh, wait, I still haven’t learned everything I’ve needed to learn
  14. I marvel at how rearranging letters in a certain pattern causes people to think of what the words symbolize. It’s like some kind of code or something. I understand principle, but I don’t know how it works.
  15. I spend too much time wondering what a Caitlyn Jenner gender reveal party would be like
  16. When I dine out at a fancy restaurant (other than an AM/PM mini market) I invariably order the “charcuterie.” Not because I like charcuterie, but because I feel so smugly continental when I say, “Ah yes garcon, I’ll start with the charcuterie and then perhaps a nice nom de plume, with a side of eminence grise and noblesse oblige
  17. I admit, that in a recently created “Faustian Bargain” list I’ve used the term nom de plume and have not really known what I meant: My pen name is Daveed Hardrama and I approved this message
  18. I’ve eaten lunch by going to Costco and getting in line 3 times at the free samples stations. Costco is known for its filling stations…and they sell gas there too.
  19. People have asked me why I dance in front of my bathroom mirror? And the simple answer is, “Because it’s too hard to dance behind my bathroom mirror. And anyway, how did you know I was dancing in front of my bathroom mirror? Now I’m going to have to dance like someone is Damn you!”
  20. If at the drive-thru I’m shortchanged an order of fries, I sure as hell circle back, alert them to their error, and get made whole. If, on the other hand, I’ve mistakenly received an extra cheeseburger, well, I don’t really need to stand on principle do I? And I drive away with my bun-filled bonanza.
  21. I once walked across a troubled bridge over serene water – Simon says
  22. I can recite all 17 alphanumerics in my VIN#. I know. Pretty good right? And I easily accomplish this when I’m reading it right off the registration.
  23. Every time I try to go egg candling, I always end up glass blowing instead. You too? It’s the same with my volunteer work. Every time I start to drive down to volunteer at the soup kitchen, I wind up at Figaro’s Bistro in front of a charcuterie plate with a side of nom de plume. I’m hoping it’s the thought that counts here.
  24. I admit I have tried a combover – but it wasn’t on my head.
  25. (If this admission doesn’t get me into heaven, nothing will) When I was a teenager and no one was home, under cover of darkness I used to get naked, sneak out the back door and see how far I could get from the house before my inner voice warned “This is not a good time to be running through the neighbors’ backyards buck naked. Since when did Mr. Johnson get a motion detector spot light? I feel like a prisoner trapped in the yard. And why couldn’t the widow Jenkins pick-up just some of Fido’s poop. Smushy, smushy, smushy. If I’m caught this will not look good on a police blotter or my resume for that matter. But this being the mid-70’s my defense would be, ‘I was sleepstreaking’.”
  26. I once had my ear lobes pressurized to 30 lbs. psi so I could float down the Erie Canal. It was a very eerie Erie ear experience, but I lobed it.Although I don’t have a prehensile tail, I do have prehensile nostrils. It’s snot true. And whenever Frank Sinatra had a cold he was called Frank Snot True.
  27. I think the entire premise of this piece could use a little more oomph. Maybe Wonka can spare some Oompa Loompas.

Me:    OK Guardian Angel. I held up my end of the bargain, can I get into heaven now?

Guardian Angel: Well David don’t you know? You’re already in heaven?

Me:    You mean I didn’t have to admit any of that stuff?

Guardian Angel: That’s right Dorothy. You were there all along.

Me: Now listen here angel behind the curtain – first of all, you can just stop with the Wizard of Oz reference and second of all, If you’ve ever had a dog throw up into your mouth like I have (details available upon request), you’ll always feel like you’re playing with house money. So the jokes on you.  

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