Going Larval, as Opposed to Viral

 

I get it. Thumbs up.

I get it. Thumbs up.

The theme of this piece is me. How appropriate. Theme, the me, me. It’s all one idea in 5 letters. I can’t remember a time when it wasn’t about me. But how did I, David Nostradamus, get discovered at the advanced age of 55? I would never have predicted it. 55 is a time when men of a certain ­­­­­­age are coping with their wife’s menopause. Not me. Instead I became incrementally famous – not virally, but larvally.

With so much noise in the channel how does a Baby Boomer compete with InstaBook and FaceChat? The answer is, you don’t compete. You transcend. I didn’t so much go viral as I went larval. You see I’m a slow burn. Some might even say I’m an acquired taste and now that I’m well-aged and have developed complex flavonoids, I’m very tasty indeed. And this is not just wishful thinking; it’s an empirical judgment. For example, at a recent barrel tasting of my work at the offices of New Yorker Magazine in Altoona, PA, all agreed my latest think piece on Monica Lewinsky went down very easy. And even though it’s a stale topic and a cheap joke it was unable to mask the superb notes of organic brilliance and herbaceous luminosity in each sampled sentence. These palette pleasing phrases indicated the indigenous soil from which the story sprang was not only incredibly fertile, but also really dirty. And I had no trouble dishing the dirt.

Another reason for my conspicuous success is that my give a sht factor has finally exceeded my need for validation and now I’m liberated from the dispiriting bonds of higher achievement. Deep-seated equanimity rules my day. Not self-satisfaction just equanimity. Now I just wanna be funny. Mathematically stated if give a sht factor = X and need for validation = Y, then whenever X exceeds Y we are liberated and in the happiness zone. In equation form: If X > Y then 🙂 .

In the Beginning – The Genesis of David

 

Beguiling Bacall

Beguiling Bacall

I was discovered by director Howard Hawks’ wife, who saw me on the cover of Harpers Bazaar magazine. Mr Hawks subsequently cast me opposite Bogie in To Have and Have Not and the rest is celluloid history. No wait. That’s how Lauren Bacall was discovered. Why do I keep confusing the two? Maybe I was Lauren Bacall in another life even though we both lived contemporaneously. My fame was achieved via the road less traveled. Actually it was the road never taken. By investing my laughs in joke futures I was able to both renew and refine my jocularity. In this way I was able to grow hilarity and build comicality. By sacrificing old humor into the cauldron of reorigination, I was able to create new, more topical humor. This patented process is similar to how the earth’s crust is renewed and replaced by tectonic plate movement in subduction zones. My humor is geologic in scope with barren deserts and babbling brooks that just seem to go on forever.

 

In the End

Most are well aware of my recent astounding success in the field of living in a fantasy world. My celebrity, however, is more a slow growth benign lump (like Oswalt Patton) than a full-blown stage 4 tumor (like John Belushi) metastasizing itself over the cultural landscape before it snuffs itself out. I’m a tortoise and not a hare. Slow and steady stays the race. And the beauty part is, you’ll never contract a disease from me because I’m larval, not viral.

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