Hello and…

Remember when people answered phones? Neither do I.

Remember when people answered phones? Neither do I.

…thank you for reading To ensure an exceptional literary experience, your reading may be monitored for quality and training purposes. If at any time while reading this material you become panicky or disoriented, put down your screen and dial 9-1-1. Please read everything carefully as some of our menu items may have changed.

Here at we value our readers and we understand that many readers self-medicate with these essays.  Again, if this is an emergency or you are hyperventilating, stop reading and dial 9-1-1. Otherwise continue reading and a pain-relieving essay will be with you as soon as one becomes available. We apologize for the delay in bringing you relief, but we are currently fresh out of ideas. You are the 5th reader in the queue so don’t stop reading or you’ll lose your place in line. Your wait time for a meaningful essay is approximately 8 sentences. We are sorry that due to higher than normal reader volume, we are unable to provide our usual level of wit. Additionally, geopolitical events have stifled our creative process. Our outsourced Idea Department was mostly staffed by Ukrainians who have since fled Crimea and are now refugees. We are working hard to keep you interested and while we’re not exactly sure where the problem lies, we are sure President Obama is to blame. Meanwhile please bear with us as we fumble to say something meaningful or at least pertinent.

While you’re waiting please allow us to highlight the benefits of living the unexamined life. First of all you get to watch all the cat videos you want. Also if you live from one text to the next, you’ll develop the ability to smell fear in someone whose cell phone battery charge falls below 20%. The person living the unexamined life generally needs to blame others for their problems and that’s why blaming President Obama or former President Bush is the key to maintaining balance.  

Well that’s been 8 sentences and we’ll now connect you to a soothing essay featuring the kind of edge-blunting pleasure you’ve come to expect in a product. You may notice a pungent curry flavor to the essay as I’ve now outsourced the Idea Department to India. Before we get started, if you would like to take a brief survey upon completion of this essay, I don’t know what to tell you. I don’t have one. I’m sure some website can accommodate you. Also, if your interests are focused on Kim Kardashian’s ass, please press or say 1 now. If your interests do not go beyond the 2nd Amendment press or say “God help me” now. And finally, if you’ve navigated for more than 4 hours seek medical help immediately. We’ll now put you through to an essay that can provide temporary relief for minor existential pain:

Literary Vérité

Somewhere at an Indian Call Center

Rajiv:              Hello, my name is Rajiv. I work in the Idea Department. How may I help you?”            Well Rajiv, I’m trying to write an essay that my customers are desperate for and I’m fresh out of ideas.

Rajiv:              Not to worry Mr. I am being very experienced in giving ideas to where they are not.          OK. But can fix it so people think the idea came from me and not you?

Rajiv:              No problemo.          No problemo? Is this Mexico or India?

Rajiv:              Oh I am being making humor sir. Let me think. Why don’t we write a story about people reading a story but it’s actually like using a phone tree?          Nah. Too self-conscious. Besides, that’s my idea.

Rajiv:              How about we create a universe where married planets have rings around them?.          Too obscure. C’mon I’ve got readers clicking through here. I’m not paying you to be cute. That’s what we pay (80 year old joke alert) Shirley Temple to do. Now give me something of depth, humor and value.

Rajiv:              What about your recent Steve Martin Story? That was a good one.          Well that’s just it. It’s a previous story and customers have snorted it already. They need a new drug or maybe an 80 year old clip of Shirley Temple singing Good Ship Lollipop.

Rajiv:              Might I suggest sir you put your customers back on hold and we have this discussion in private for quality control purposes.          Rajiv. Now you’re catching on. That’s the first good idea you’ve had. Meanwhile here’s a fun survey they can take while you and I punch things up a bit.


Thank you for listening to If you know your party’s extension say it now. Otherwise good-bye.


Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.