1. Pick up stuff…put it someplace where she can’t see it
2. Erase chalk outline of body on garage floor leftover from last year’s “incident”
3. Freshen-up the spittoons and clean the boot scraper
4. Collect all the desiccated birds from the attic without disturbing “mother”
5. Do laundry or buy more clothes
6. Figure out where those Gregorian chants are coming from in the basement
7. Put things in their place
8. Make room so there are places to put things
9. Hope I don’t get slapped again when I suggest to the maid we do some “feather dusting” in the butler’s pantry
10. Stop telling guests the bidet is an ADA-compliant drinking fountain
11. Rearrange the dust on everything so it’s evenly dispersed
12. Toss out the mini travel toothpaste tube I’ve been using for 8 months. I swear I squeezed more toothpaste out of it than they put into it.
13. Do the dishes
14. Screw the dishes. Buy paper plates and plastic sporks.
15. Vacuum all the dead bugs lying on the window sills
16. Vacuum all the live bugs swirling around the bananas
17. Change the air filter in the cold air return…Check that. Install an air filter in the cold air return
18. Change the sheets or ask the mice to please sleep on the other side
19. Flush the toilet in the guest room. Check that. Wait a minute? There is no bathroom in the guest room. That ain’t good.
20. Play the Beatles while I do my chores. Maybe some Steely Dan too.
21. Evict the guy who’s been squatting in my storage shed for the last 3 months. Check that. Tell my uncle he has to move out of the storage shed by Wednesday – and to stop that Gregorian chanting.

Edited Out

• Fireproof house with inexpensive asbestos paint
• To stop the walls from breathing, stop taking after dinner gummies
• Ask a neighbor what day they actually pick-up the trash
• Note to Self: Wash behind ears. In fact, wash behind anything that dangles.
• Screw the house and just sleep in my car parked at Costco, eat their hot dogs and rotisserie chickens and let them worry about keeping a bathroom clean.

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