1. I don’t know how it happens, but nowadays, no matter where I am, whenever I get naked, light bulbs automatically dim
2. To hell with aiming. When I get up to pee during the night, I sit on the pot.
3. My dermatologist says I have old-growth skin tags that are so ancient, they’ve become UNESCO World Preservation sites and, by law, cannot be removed
4. I must be slipping. Whenever I play catch, and my partner fakes the throw I wonder…where did the ball go? It takes me about 10 seconds to figure out they still have the ball.
5. I try to maintain a positive body image, but when I look in a mirror these days, I’m mostly pixilated.
6. You know those stupid 2 ½ minute pharmaceutical commercials? I record them.
7. I guess I’m non-binary now. Instead of seeing the world as a series of 1’s and 0’s, now I see it as a series of business and non-business days
8. I’m very proud of my well-formed nostrils. I’m just a Nostril-positive person. Although most people just think I’m nosey.
9. I’m already so “out there,” that if I take a Gummy, I actually get more sober
10. Even though I’m mostly bald now, I have the same amount of total hair I had when I was 20. It’s just redistributed amongst my ears, nostrils, eyebrows and back.
11. Nowadays when people point at something, I just look at the end of their finger
12. And finally, I realize I’m getting older because I don’t know any of the hosts on Saturday Night Live

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