Be here now. You here it all the time. Be in the moment – that’s where it’s at. And while I don’t doubt the merit in being “present,” I also believe in expanding my awareness to include the future. To that end I’ve spent years practicing techniques that allow me to slither through cosmic wormholes and experience the future. I’ve become quite adept at it and sometimes I experience the future like there’s no tomorrow (so to speak). Unfortunately the interdimensional gatekeepers prevent time travelers like me from bringing back any of the good stuff. Instead I’m relegated to one duty-free keepsake memory from the future. After declaring this approved memory from a list of duty-free recollections, I then take it through cosmic customs and happily report it back to you in the present. And although it isn’t particularly earth-shattering or enlightening unto itself, this unique keepsake memory does provide enough clues (much like a Sudoku puzzle) to allow one to fill in the blanks and perhaps imagine the society of 2031 in its entirety derived only from the scant evidence I’m allowed to present. If you can collate, extrapolate and percolate (as in drinking lots of coffee while trying to figure it out), you may be able to fully grasp the world of the future from the meager clues offered herein: as in this case Yelp reviews of space tourism flights.
So without further fanfare or ado (could fanfare and ado be the same thing?), I’m mightily pleased to present to you my gift of Yelp space tourism reviews from the future.
5 Stars: Princess Space Cruise Lines
OK, first of all if I could give them 6 Stars I would. Princess dazzled me. What Princess Cruise Lines does on water they also do in the vacuum of space. Whether it was the unlimited Chilean sea bass (sustainably caught and ethically processed) at the seafood buffet or listening to 95-year-old Engelbert Humperdinck (also sustainably caught and ethically processed) sing his greatest hits in business class, Princess has managed to seamlessly extend their festive seaborne experience into a special airborne experience until eventually it becomes an unforgettable vacuum borne experience. And dare I say it: This vacuum does not suck.
1 Star: Leo’s Discount Vomit Comet
OK, first of all if I could give them No Stars I would. Second of all the flight was 30 minutes late (air traffic they said). But what really bothered me was their assertion that “We proudly serve Starbucks coffee.” Proudly my ass! They served it indifferently at best. I’ve never witnessed such a humble display of coffee-serving procedures in my life. I detected no inherent sense of pride as it was served. And how they serve it is another story. They wait until you’re in zero gravity and then Leo himself comes back into coach class with 2 turkey basters: a little one with cream and a bigger one with coffee. He then unceremoniously squeezes a few oscillating globules into midair which the passenger is then supposed to suck down all at once while it slowly migrates toward the window. There is no pride in this – only shame.
Apart from that, the ecstatic feeling of breaking the surly bonds of earth to touch the face of god while encased in a weightless rocket ship was kinda cool.
5 Stars: Elon Musk’s Space-X
OK, first of all I would give them 5 Teslas if such an icon existed. Long the industry leader, Musk offers the hippest trip at the bestest price. And how he managed to overcome the energy-density problem of batteries to power his spaceship solely with electricity I’ll never know. Maybe it had something to do with the 200-mile extension cord dangling from the tail.
3 Stars: Uber’s Rocket ship–sharing Ride App
OK, first of all I would give them 3 Stars if I could. What with New York City up to its knees in polar cap melted water and President Putin finally giving us Universal Health Care, who has time to plan anymore? With Uber’s new Spacesuit-sharing ride app you can be heaven bound in under 1 hour. And while it’s true they only climb to an altitude of about 120 feet through the use of their driverless hover board technology, you can still make out the curvature of the earth from that height – if you bring a globe with you.
5 Stars: Starbucks Caffeinated Starship Cruise Lines
OK, first of all I would give them 50 stars if I wasn’t so agitated from all the caffeine in my system. Sometimes free venti Caramel Macchiatos are too much of a good thing. Just when you thought Starbucks was merely a ubiquitous terrestrial brick and mortar monster, we discover they also excel at things celestial and even extra-terrestrial – if you count their all-egg white Panini which is simply out of this world. They are literally everywhere now. For example as we orbited the earth and after my 3rd caramel macchiato, I had to visit the little astronaut’s room. And would you believe there was a Starbucks in the space loo tended by a blind barista who took my order with a little smirk – hmmm, well at least she said she was blind. Anyway I can’t say enough about Starbucks Caffeinated Cruise Lines. It’s a match brewed in heaven. BTW, they know how to proudly serve Starbucks coffee without putting it in your face – instead they put it in a cup so you can put it in your face.
All Ashore that’s Going Ashore
Alas fellow traveler, I’d like to say more, but Interdimensional Gag Orders being what they are, this is all I’m allowed to say. In fact I tried to say more, but whenever I delved into something worthwhile outside the gag order it was mysteriously redacted by the hand of God or the NSA (I can’t tell the difference sometimes). For example I tried to express my elation that in 2031 ****** was President and the mention of ******’s name was removed. When I discussed medical breakthroughs and the cures for &&&&& and ^^^^^^, I got gibberish. I even stated something eminently practical, like how we can easily avoid ###### by simply %%%%%, and that too was expunged. So as you can see I’m boxed in here. Suffice to say it appears we only get what we can handle. So perfume yourself with awareness and shed your preconceptions because it is up to you, the reader, to drink in this information. And then, with a steep learning curve, tease out the meaning from the remaining tealeaves after you’ve drunk deeply of the contents.
As I recently discovered we can all rest easy now because it turns out the key to life is <t#^-6, ^76%&^0#23~. So simple really. How did we miss that?