1. The Beefcake Factory – Run by the NFL’s Kelce Bros, the food is great and the service (as you might expect) is Swift.
2. Lizzie Borden’s Chophouse – Ghoulishly trendy place. Diners are losing their heads over it.
3. The Scarlet Lobster – They only serve lobsters that have committed adultery. Popular in colonial Boston.
4. 

   Cook up some profits with restaurant franchising. 

   Anna Phylactic’s – A shockingly good restaurant. Before you even sit down, you’re served a complimentary shot of Benadryl

5. LGBTQ? It’s Friday– Bedroom to Table dining. A celebration of diversity featuring 6 distinct bathrooms. One for each orientation.
6. Schrempf’s Almost Vowelless Restaurant – Try the alphabet soup at Schrempf’s. More consonants than you can shake a spoon at.
7. Gag Order – The first rule of Gag Order is you don’t talk about Gag Order
8. Hamid’s House of Hummus – Not recommended for the hummus-phobic
9. Burger Queen– The place is such a drag. Try the burger with the special cross dressing. They say once you try it, you’ll never go back.
10. Heimlich’s– A favorite of Nazis, this restaurant features small, chokable servings
11. The Pompous Ass– Place stinks. After dinner, all diners must exit through the rear. Sometimes people get stuck and they can’t go for days.
12. BJ’s Restaurant – The place blows. Nuff said
13. Slaughterhome – Caring female butchers have made this Slaughterhouse, a Slaughterhome. Some throw pillows here, a splash of blood there and Be it ever so humble, there’s no place like home – It’s all sumptuously decorated in Modern Carnivore. I mean it’s authentically paleo, but with cutlery.
14. Sinnabon – Eat just one of these sinful buns and it’s straight to hell
15. Thai Phoid – An Asian eatery where Employees Must Wash Hands. But they don’t.
16. Ruth’s Chris’s Steaks Houses – In a pluralistic society, this is the kind of steakhouse you gets
17. A Confederacy of Donuts – Both the dough and the South shall rise again in this ill-conceived celebration of plantation life. Rebels can dunk their donuts or misbehaving unpaid laborers into coffee. On Tuesdays overseers and servants eat free. Ask about our Cotton-Pickin’ Specials. A Confederacy of Donuts is a subsidiary of Cracker Barrel.
18. The ICOP – A place where policemen can go to get their pancake on

Edited Out: The following did not make the grade. I won’t be investing in these.

19. Downunder Steakhouse – Nothing at all like Outback Steakhouse, it’s the home of the Bloomin’ Bandicoot.
20. Cellulite Thighs – Dumplings, biscuits and bagels are the “thighs that bind” in this wholly owned subsidiary of The Waffle House
21. Gristle’s– Home of the 72 oz. Bovine Carotid Artery
22. Dyson Vacuum Factory Cafeteria – Place sucks
23. I Love Garden, Aisle of Garden, Isle of Garden – Not affiliated with Olive Garden
24. The Earth’s Crust – Each table features a small fireplace and mantel. And that’s where the cooks place the dishes of the Earth’s Crust’s, just above the mantle.

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