Red Loin Hotels: Championing Gay Geriatric Sexuality for almost 2 weeks (In other words, we’re trying to increase our occupancy rate)

No matter how old you are, age is something you always have.  And as you approach your twilight years Red Loin Hotel chain recognizes the special needs homosexuals of a certain age may require. And that’s why not only are we gay-friendly, but we’re also LGBT-compliant even though we have no idea what the B or the T stand for. Our marketing department can worry about that. We simply want to get the message out to people who enjoy similarly equipped people, that we’ve taken concrete steps to ensure your stay with us is both memorable and unforgettable; even though memorable and unforgettable both mean the same thing. Our marketing department can worry about that. We had earlier taken wooden steps to ensure your stay with us was memorable, but we found the concrete steps were more enduring and so will you.

Therefore it is with great pleasure we present Red Loin’s gay-friendly amenities: 

• Most properties feature Anderson Cooper-shaped pools
• Because dental issues can pose a hardship with age, all our pillows are pre-bitten and all our carpet is pre-munched
• Red Loin Hotel chain now 50% off – for couples that are into that sort of thing
• We feature 2 restaurants – Stonewall and The Bird Cage, where happy hour never ends and Early Bird Dinners begin at 2 pm 
• Flame Dames can now stay in the Kathy Griffin Suite for women who prefer the company of gay male friends
• As we recognize there are 2 sides to the coin, we promote both hedonism and herdonism. For example our pillows are thoughtfully topped with both condoms and dental dams.
• Our wedding chapel does not discriminate. We offer opposite sex marriage too.
• Spacious sleeping closets for older guests who are still more comfortable staying in one
• We are now a pet-friendly property, although Lindsay Lohan is not allowed in any rooms at any time.
• No need for love helmets. All headboards are now air bag equipped.

Let breeders run roughshod over other hotels. At Red Loin, tidiness and cleanliness go hand in glove (so to speak). At Red Loin we recognize that these actions are all undertaken with good intentions, but in bad taste. We’ll let our marketing department worry about that.

The Red Loin Hotel – where every kiss begins with a “k” and ends with a bunch of damp towels strewn all over the place.