Some say being a lover of trains is a choice. Others say it’s an interest you’re just born with. This argument is often applied to other deeply-seated orientations. The point is, I can no longer deny my interest in trains and I choose to express it publicly, despite the risk of becoming a social outcast. I believe my passion for trains is healthy and hip, but the trainophobic think I’m off the rails here. They worry I’ve become trainsgendered. For too long I’ve been a closeted train admirer – practicing my secret passion with other nerdy train enthusiasts in dark basements on small scale equipment while sipping on juice boxes. No longer am I willing to operate on the fringes of society while living this double life. Therefore, I hereby publicly declare my love of trains. I’m finally “coming out of the caboose.”

We all have hobbies we’re drawn to for reasons known only to our original manufacturer. For me, that magnetic force has been trains. Why I have such an affinity for these steely behemoths that lumber through the night, is a question for Dr. Lionel, my train whisperer (and my psychologist). Dr. Lionel and I have held many earnest and penetrating discussions on trains. We’ve covered everything from the dichotomy of sitting backward while moving forward, to the carnal symbology of trains entering tunnels. I cherish Dr. Lionel’s sage advice as he guides me through the mixed signals and missed switches of railroading. As you may have surmised, trains are a very moving topic for me. Still, I find it hard to believe, that in all the time Dr. Lionel and I have spent together, he’s never once failed to bill me for each session.  

I can’t account for my unbidden fascination with trains. All I know is that train has left the station and I’m forever enchanted. In fact, at this juncture railroading is so appealing to me, that even at the advanced age of 62, as I begin collecting Social Security, I nonetheless seek employment with Amtrak as a conductor. More on this later.

So, let’s go for a ride and hope I stay on the rails in describing the depth of my railroading passion and the height of my Amtrak adoration. In any event, near the end of this story I solicit your opinion in helping me formulate a mighty decision. Much like Dr. Lionel does, may you offer me sage advice; in addition to maybe some parsley, rosemary and thyme.   

New Train Smell – A Whiff of Heaven or a Hint of Hell

“You haven’t lived until you’ve inhaled the magical must of ‘new train smell’,” declare railroad enthusiasts infected by the train bug. “Once bitten, you’re forever smitten,” say these inveterate train buffs. However, some wonder if there is, or ever has been, “new train smell.” It’s hard to tell these days because Amtrak hasn’t put new trains into service in so long, there is no one left alive who remembers what new trains smell like.

Complicating this is that not everyone has the “new train smell” gene, enabling them to sense this alluring aroma. It’s kinda like the “asparagus” gene that way. Sadly, these scent-deficient souls will never know the pleasure of this intoxicating sinus sensation – and no amount of training can change that.

A train by any other name…

…would smell as sweet.

.

.

Neolithic carvings from the Olduvai Gorge indicate that the last person in the conga line was known as the kaybus, which eventually morphed into our present-day caboose. This theory of the “new train smell” gene mutating in the conga lines of God-fearing hominids has become known as Critical Nose Theory and has become a flash point for present-day cultural warriors.

Neolithic carvings from the Olduvai Gorge indicate that the last person on the conga line was known as the kaybus, which eventually morphed into our present-day caboose. This concept of the “new train smell” gene mutating in the conga lines of God-fearing hominids has become known as Critical Nose Theory.

What is New Train Smell?

Nosey railroaders describe the heady bouquet of “new train smell” as, “an intoxicating swirl of stamp-pressed steel, outgassed Naugahyde and delicate notes of diesel vapors culminating in a transportive smellucinogenic aroma.” Admittedly, it’s a developed appreciation. This salmagundi of smells, this obstinacy of odors, all come together in a crescendo of bracing olfactory satisfaction. It summons a vestigial calling within me that says, “All aboard Amtrak!” Then again, maybe that’s just my inner-hominid speaking.

Train Besotted and Loving It

I’m hesitant to admit all this because you might think I’m a little loco, but in my narrow-gauge railroad mind, there’s nothing as nostalgically charming or kinetically gratifying as train travel. My loco-motive for telling you all this, is to share the shiver of infantile delight that shoots through my body while chugging along the tracks in the protective womb of my train car (as long as I’m not in India). When I’m warmly embraced in compartmentalized comfort I feel like a little baby traveler, all swaddled snuggly in Amtrak’s ever-lovin’ rails. Alright, so maybe I am a little loco.

Not everyone gets this. But people like me do. Maybe I’m a little off the rails here, but I have a nose for trains and appreciate greatly the intoxicating aroma of riding the rails in cozy sublimity. Some view railroad enthusiasts as inherently disordered and marginalized nerds. It’s taken us a while to change the perceptions of the trainophobic, but we’ve done it. Can a Railroad Pride Day be far off?

3 Quick Train Facts (only 2 of which are true):

1. Standard railroad tracks are 4’ 8½” apart
2. Trains stay on the track because the wheels are flanged on the inside preventing the cars from jumping the tracks
3. Just because someone likes to dress up in stylish railroad uniforms doesn’t mean they’re a trainsvestite

I always like to insert a little useful information whereby you can lower your eyebrows, raise your lower lip and slowly nod your head.   
 

The Railroad Ties That Bind

We generally dismiss train travel as an antiquated and obsolete mode of transportation rooted in a bygone era. This is not true. Trains are responsible for the original world wide web of connectivity – a web of tracks that were initially spun across the East Coast in the 1840s and began binding together our far-flung country into the United States of America. Trains provided swift, smooth conveyance to a travel weary public. This undemanding mode of transport was manna from heaven – or in some cases, rolling stock from the Baltimore & Ohio.

In the 1840s, the technologically-advanced introduction of mechanized locomotion was transformative. This is especially true when weighed against the punishing and perilous travel choices of the day: hoofing it, hazardous horseback, risky sailboats, jarring stagecoaches and unpredictable catapults. Alright, maybe not catapults (I got on another roll there), but the other choices were certainly wanting for reliability and comfort. This was a time when 4 horsepower meant it was powered by 4 horses. Where was Uber when we needed it?

If you’re not in a rush, riding the rails is the apex of travel. Where else can one sit on a plush throne with enough leg room to swing a cat? Where else can one witness a moving window on a gritty urban tableau of rusty junkyards, unsightly recycling centers and any number of eyesore businesses operating along the railroad’s right of way? Where else can one pee without having to hit their head on an intrusive and curvy fuselage? Where else can you show-up a bare 30 minutes before you depart and hop on your conveyance from a conveniently centralized downtown location? We all know the answer: it’s Amtrak: Amtrak and its always accommodating passenger rail service.   

These iron horses of the rails were not just transportation. They doubled as luxurious hotels on steel wheels. They were a warm and embracing metallic cocoon where one could restoratively sleep, sumptuously dine, pleasantly socialize or profitably conduct business. On some lines you could enjoy a shave, a shower, and maybe even a haircut.

You could do all this, mind you, while tooling along the silvery rails in supreme comfort as an ever-changing landscape of inner-city decay and bucolic splendor paraded itself before you. Back in the day (I’m never sure what “day” that phrase refers to, but suffice to say, it was a long time ago), wealthy patrons had Mr. Pullman build them private rail cars. These posh apartments on wheels were opulently outfitted to each tycoon’s specifications and then concatenated to an engine destined for grandeur. You weren’t considered a respectable robber baron unless you had your own Pullman rail car – a ne plus ultra RV for the wickedly wealthy. These Princes of the Pullmans, these Grandees of the Gilded Age, these Agents of Alliteration(?) weren’t so much cool jetsetters as they were rakish railroaders; worthy of mention in the Who’s Who column of Collier’s Magazine.

In an odd way, I see the light at the end of the tunnel; and I’d be all too happy if that light was attached to an oncoming train. 

My Dream Job or a Train to Nowhere?

I believe I’ve established my credentials as an unabashed romantic when it comes to train travel, and that’s why I’m considering a second career with Amtrak – our nation’s passenger rail system. In keeping with my over-the-moon love of trains, I thought I’d share with you this email I received from Amtrak. It is my fondest hope that you, my public, can help me (as I carry this railroad analogy too far) stay on track and not go off the rails when it comes to a very critical decision I must make. You see Amtrak is recruiting me very hard to join their ranks as a conductor. Yes, they want me to conduct, but I don’t know. You see I’ve always wanted to direct. It’s quite a dilemma. They’re making me an offer I don’t know if I can refuse, or if I even have the right to refuse?

I mean, do I have the right to deprive Amtrak (and by extension, the nation) of my services? Could this email be the result of some higher calling or divine intervention? Everybody has a destiny – right? Some are born to conduct, while others are meant to play second fiddle. It’s no mistake this offer is bestowed upon someone so utterly beguiled by railroading that his ringtone is “The Chattanooga Choo Choo.” In making this decision, I’ll need guidance from both you and my train whisperer Dr. Lionel.

I’ve not been in the workforce for 10 years now, and I’ve never been in the railroad business at all, except as a passenger. Does visiting train museums and watching train videos count as experience? I wonder if I have the chops to work for Amtrak.

Amtrak Dining Cars: Far from Prison Food, But It Is for Captive Diners

And speaking of Amtrak chops, close your eyes for a moment and imagine yourself riding the rails on the Amtrak’s San Francisco to Chicago Zephyr. While you’re whisked along the rails at a breakneck average speed of 38 mph you appreciate the pleasant day you’ve spent looking at scenery. You’re done complaining about the Wi-Fi that only seems to work in the observation car bathroom. You’re fully satisfied, having celebrated joining the 4-feet high club earlier that afternoon (so what if you were alone). Now it’s time for your superb dining car supper served the Amtrak way. Nothing could be finer than to be in Carolina dining on Amtrak’s signature Slow-Cooked Pork Chops^® lavishly served in their regally appointed dining car, smartly decorated in an Early Denny’s motif. These specialty chops are plated on real china with accompaniments of Hasselback potatoes, a medley of vegetables singing the Battle Hymn of the Republic and Aunt Fanny’s homemade apple sauce served straight from her crack staff.

No, this is not a Michelin 3-Star restaurant.
It’s Amtrak!

Amtrak’s swanky ambience is on full display in this proper, first-class dining experience featuring freshly-pressed linens, individual pats of butter and teeny-tiny shakers of salt and pepper. This is all presented with unmatched table service. While the sun slowly sets across a ruggedly pristine landscape, you are served impeccably by Amtrak’s renown wait staff – many of whom are hired directly from the Swiss Guard detail that protects the Pope. If I take the job, I’d be getting paid for this experience. Pinch me.

Sumptuous civility.
Avanti Amtrak!

Amtrak: More Than a Job. It’s a Way of Life.

This Assistant Conductor position pays about $25 an hour to start, plus all the onboard bathrooms you can use – some of which still flush directly onto the tracks. There is probably no better way to cement my legacy, than having my DNA spread throughout the length and breadth of this great country. I’d be a fool not to consider taking the job. Heck, I’m already a fool for considering it.

If I commit to the job, I’d be required to complete an 8-week training class at Amtrak University in Maryland. During my deployment for Basic Train Training I’ll be deprived of my family (wife and cat). I wonder if during my being sequestered from polite society, if anyone will thank me for my service. One doesn’t usually think of train conductors as first responders thrown into urgent situations of inherent danger. They’re maybe 3^rd or 4^th responders – mostly responding to requests for directions to the dining car or queries as to why the train going so slow?

Sharp as Hell.

Conductors do, however, wear a very authoritative uniform. That alone should be worth some kind of consideration. Maybe in tribute to my service, a patriotic railroader will secretly pay for my lunch. I can see myself approaching the cashier at the DQ to settle the lunch bill for my Brazier Burger and soft-serve Blizzard, only to find that some railroad angel has already covered it. They sometimes do that anonymously you know. I can see myself welling-up as the cashier informs me of this anonymous kindness. Teary-eyed I blubber to the cashier, “That’s so thoughtful. They covered the tip too – right?”

Upon graduation from AU you’re fitted with a freshly starched conductor’s uniform, a smart conductor’s cap and a symbolic, non-working railroad pocket watch. The job may require me to sleep onboard and I’m onboard with sleeping onboard. Paid to sleep while train glamping – sign me up. One of the perks of the job is free train travel anywhere in the contiguous United States. Wow, pinch me again. I’m sure I’ll enjoy this perk even more once I figure out what the word “contiguous” means.  

So, do I take the job and sacrifice for Amtrak and country, or do I stay home and continue my unbroken record of watching Jeopardy! every night, even though Alex is no longer conducting the show? This is where I’m at folks; on the rails of a dilemma – somewhere between the 4’ 8½” of track 1 and track 2, wondering which course of action I should choo-choo-choose.

Should I get onboard with Amtrak?

Truth be told, sometimes I think I like the idea of this job more than the actual job itself. Your comments are welcomed. Here is the job listing: 

New Jobs from Amtrak

Inbox

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Amtark Responds

Two Weeks Later the Result of My Endeavor Is:

Dear David Hardiman,

Thank you for your interest in Amtrak and the position PASSENGER CONDUCTOR TRAINEE – 90303890 – Reno, NV.  After reviewing your credentials, we have decided to pursue other candidates at this time. We appreciate your interest in Amtrak and encourage you to continue to visit our careers site and apply to other positions.

Amtrak Talent Acquisition Team

Hardiman Responds

Dear Amtrak

Did my 10-year break in service or my advanced age (62) factor in your decision? Maybe I should become a member of your Talent Acquisition Team.

          Regards,

         David

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