Posts Tagged ‘airplane’

Lest you think it wasn’t God’s intention for man to eat in the sky, there is biblical precedence for it. So it is written in Ezekiel 1:15:

 

And so it came to pass that Ezekiel saw the wheel

Way up in the middle of the air

And he saw that it was good

And was glad he had ordered the kosher meal

 

Dumb people (and there are far too many) often invoke Philistine logic when they say, “If man were meant to fly, he’d have wings.” Smart people (and there simply aren’t enough) counter, “Well we do have wings and they’re not so much God-given as they are Boeing-given.” And this discussion in comparative intelligence brings us to today’s topic: Air Fare, Pie in the Sky, Elevated and Plated. In other words, high-flyin’ airline dinin’.

 

Humans (which are found everywhere except for certain parts of Moscow) celebrate and appreciate the bonanza that food provides. Eating is such a vital event that a grateful public often takes a reverent moment to say grace before dining. Others adopt a more brutish view of the pre-meal benediction and gruffly declare, “OK peeps, dig in” or “Hey Brenda, you got any more a those hot sauce packets?” But regardless of whatever ceremony is performed before dining, most meals are taken in a chair while sitting at a table. And this is true whether dining in an airplane or in a kitchen. Again, in a biblical way; as above, so below. Except when you’re dining above, you’re 8 miles high and traveling at 450 kts, so it’s not exactly, “as above so below.” In any event, let’s examine the “above” part as we explore Fare in the Air.

 

 

A True Change in Cabin Pressure as Your Plane Transforms into a High Stress Restaurant

 

Once meal service is announced an aircraft converts from a sophisticated airborne passenger delivery system to a sophisticated airborne food delivery restaurant. Flight attendants transform into glorified waitresses working the front of the house and pilots on the flight deck become the kitchen staff, quietly managing the back of the house even though they have no duties as assigned. It’s a restaurant in the sky as its passengers become fuselage food fans. Meal service is a very welcome hour intrusion into a multi-hour flight. A complete distraction from your inner dialogue continually asking you, “Are we there yet?”

 

Are You a Fuselage Foodie? A Sampling of Airline Cuisine

 

Air Jordan

There’s a new Middle Eastern Airline called Air Jordan (not affiliated with Nike). They offer a Hummus Snack Tray that comes with dates. However, if you’re in a committed relationship and you don’t want any dates, you can order one with just crackers. Additionally, if you’re hummus-phobic, or, on the advice of a physician, are on a mashed chickpea-free diet, you can order your Hummus Snack Tray without a trace of enthusiasm.

 

Air Jordan is also experimenting with a regional take on the all-time breakfast favorite of ham and eggs. It’s seasoned for the Arabic tongue and is called Hamas and Eggs. A happy meal version for kids is flavored with storybook charm. It’s called Green Hamas and Eggs. There’s also the Bottomless Bowl of Hezbollah filled with shredded promises and candied Kalashnikovs. Air Jordan was said to be kitchen-testing a seafood dish but cancelled it after discovering the Jihad had had haddock. They continue to reach out to the Jewish state in a gastronomic way with Air Jordan CEO Phil Knight (not that Phil Knight) saying, “The thing of it is is, is Isreal willing to eat baba ganouje?”  

 

United Airlines

The kitchens of United Airlines are formulating a hemispherically appropriate continental breakfast. The continental breakfast items depend on the continent you happen to be flying over. If you’re over an ocean they won’t serve it at all, if you catch my continental drift. When United is flying from South America to North America, they sometimes abruptly swap out their continental breakfast causing a major continental plate shift from croissants and jam to yogurt parfaits. Oh and BTW, I encourage everyone to fly United, because no one wants to fly apart.

 

Aer Lingus

This Hibernian national airline serves a very traditional 7-course Irish meal. It’s a baked potato and a six pack. And it’s served without irony.

 

DebonAir

This opulent airline merged with the snooty French airline Savior Faire Air in 2018. They only offer 1^st class seating. Upon boarding, each passenger receives a complimentary jar of Grey Poupon. Oh, how the passengers love to tickle each other’s’ fancies by presenting an appetizing canapé to their seatmate and requesting, “Would you please Poupon this?” Very classy indeed.

DebonAir offers a Connoisseur’s Cheese Platter – 4 very soft cheeses wrapped in ridiculously thin aluminum foil that’s impossible to remove. The inability to remove this aluminum skin actually works in the passengers favor because it turns out the body needs trace amounts of aluminum in its diet, and you might as well get them in one big dose at 40,000 ft. than risk being caught licking your neighbor’s aluminum siding after midnight (been there). The cheese platter costs only $4.50 when purchased on the ground, but once the plane departs and climbs up into the stratosphere, so do the prices. Depending on how high the plane flies, costs can soar up to $18. At this price most cheese buyers become lactose intolerant and settle for the free pretzels instead.

 

China Air

They offer an all-to-authentic pupu platter. It’s fittingly served with buttered nose plugs and toilet paper napkins.

 

Vegan Airlines

Its menu is to DEI for (in the Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion sense). Vegan Airlines signature dish is the Vegie Wedgie Salad consisting of Baby Lettuces, Impressionable Parsnips, Bicurious Broccoli and Gender Dysphoric Rhubarb. It’s usually served with a wink and a nod. Flavorless and unsatisfying low carbon footprint options are available: Watercress on Rice Cakes, Cous Cous Cous and Spilt Fritters (which is Spelt spelled wrong).

 

Ambiguous Air

This confused airline’s meal planners have devised a surf and turf befitting its’ dualistic status. This dish features a Large Small Mouth Bass, Jumbo Shrimp and Elongated Short Ribs. Served with a tall glass of melted ice, this entrée will leave you wondering, “Why does my credit score take a hit just because I apply for a credit card?” Ambiguous indeed.

 

Illuminating Ruminating

Sometimes the repetition of an extraordinary event makes the exceptional seem mundane – a case of familiarity breeding unexamined complacency. But maybe the next time you’re enjoying a savory hot meal in the comfort of a padded seat at 40,000 ft. hurtling through the stratosphere at 450 kts while 4 feet away on the outside of the thin aluminum skin protecting you it’s -40° and the wind howling at 80 kts, perhaps you’ll have a renewed appreciation for your extraordinary circumstance.