Posts Tagged ‘cleverify’

Breaking News…SPONSORED

Lately people have wondered why David Hardiman’s writing has been so f*cking f*nny. Well now we know. He’s been using black market literary performance enhancing drugs purchased on the Dark Web. But not just any performance enhancing drugs. Literary performance enhancing drugs or LPEDs include ProseAct®, Mypenzasord® and Cleverify®.

 

These LPEDs operate similarly to the way Mary Tyler Moore did – They can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile. Likewise, these LPEDs can take a nothing idea and suddenly make it all seem hilarious: for example; Man Returns Defective $750 Bookmark, or Dogs are Now Doing It Missionary Style. Prose-doping (as it’s called by literary critics) may seem like an unseemly expedient, but it renders Mr. Hardiman less inhibited, more insightful and better able to write good.

 

Prose Doping: Writers (and Readers) Take Warning

I thought I’d take a moment to illuminate these literary performance enhancing drugs (LPEDs). They are for literary types determined to express all of creation in a single paragraph. It’s hallucinogenics for writers (yeah like I need anything more to activate my imagination). There are 3 main classes of prose doping:

1. Inhibition Uptake Inhibitors: such as Proseact® relieve the Super Ego from constantly judging and allows a greater flow of verbiage through the hypothalamus and on into the fingers. Side effects include a desire to run with scissors and a complete understanding of all 7 levels of Marriott’s Vacation Club points awards system.
2. Matrix Colliders: such as Cleverify® allow the writer to accelerate contradictory ideas around their brain like in a cyclotron, then smash them together at high speed and write about the scattershot results to produce something called “Quantum Humor.” For example, the sentence “We must exercise our Free Will,” just sits there, but after smoking Cleverify® I cunningly morphed it into: “We must exercise our Free Will. We have no choice.”
3. Euphoria Perpetuators: This class of “Hey Jude” drug allows the writer to take a sad story and make it better. Mypenzasord® activates the same neurotransmitters fired by stamp collecting, hitting a beach ball at a Yanni concert or the satisfaction from having flossed for 3 consecutive days (see a doctor if you floss for 4 consecutive days).

 

You’ve seen what these LPEDs can do for Mr. Hardiman, so why not contact Pfizer Pfarmaceuticals on the Dark Web and see which LPED is right for you.    

 

Disclaimer:

• Hardiman is a paid spokesman for Pfizer Pfarmaceuticals and their apfiliates.
• His favorite dish is Chicken Pfarmesean.
• According to 23 and Me, and through no fault of his own, Mr. Hardiman is the great³⁶-grandson of Pontius Pilate.
• If you are experiencing a medical emergency, put your head between your legs or (better idea), put your head between the legs of someone you really like.
• Hardiman sees nothing wrong with reverse mortgages for unsophisticated seniors as long as he’s profiting from them.
• Hardiman had nothing to do with the Lindbergh baby kidnapping (apfidavit on pfile)
• Hardiman has never googled “Ethel Merman naked.” Whether or not he ever googled “Ernest Borgnine naked” is a matter for the courts to decide.
• His favorite Mel Brooks movie is Young Pfrankenstein

 

All ideas contained herein are the property of Doogie Howser and the Dalai Lama. The previous sentence written under the influence of matrix collider Cleverify®.

 

What began in the sports world as a deceitfully reliable method of boosting one’s athletic performance, and then sadly extended into the cycling world where previously heroic Lance Armstrong fell from his lofty saddle with an inglorious thud; has now invaded the completely mental world of writing where simple declarative sentences have given way to rambling opening sentences unlikely to conclude until the author grows weary of finding ways to extend it.

Villainy is never pretty. Lance Armstrong should know. He has left his disbelieving fans lamenting to their hero, “Say it ain’t so, Lance.” And now, easily proving that no one is immune from such temptation, a performance enhancing scandal of another kind – a prose-doping scandal – has ruffled the literary world right down to its feathery quills. Several highly regarded writers stand accused of using performance boosting drugs to enhance their stories, prompting disbelieving bookworms to lament to their heroes, “Kindly deny what we know to be true.”  Read the rest of this entry »