Posts Tagged ‘corn’

YES! Yes I’m fine. And why is everybody asking me that lately? Just because I write things like:

 

Let Me Be Frank

In the future, when hot dogs can talk, I foresee a very grateful hot dog saying to both his ancestors and his descendants:

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“Thank you. Thank you all. Because without you, I’m just a missing link.”

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I mean that’s sort of punny, write? And I say this with absolute relish, “My condiments to the author.”

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Palm Olive?

Not Over It!

Not Now. Not Ever.

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That Manicurist Madge would allow her client to soak her fingers in Palmolive Dishwashing Liquid, w/o first getting permission, is a professional malpractice and an affront to manicurists everywhere. When a manicurist “takes the smock,” her nail station shall become an altar of glorious grooming and not a den of desiccating detergent. 

And then Madge so callously remarks while working on the poor lady’s other hand, “You know you’re soaking in it?”

The aghast woman erupts, “Dishwashing liquid!”

Madge: “Relax, it’s Palmolive.”

Relax my ass. I want Madge’s license pulled.

This was not the hand job the client paid for. There’s nothing worse than a shoddy hand job. I should know.

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What’s next? Letting little fish eat the debris off your feet?

Readers to Me: Actually they do, do that with the fish Dave.

Dave: Really. Well then, what’s next? A sponge cake filled with cream?

Readers: They’re called Twinkies Dave.

Dave: Alright. It’s hard to maintain my outrage when I keep misfiring on my examples. How about this – what’s next a TV show about a likable guy who sells crystal meth? I don’t know. I’m off the rails here. This whole thing is breaking bad.

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The Restaurants of Dr. Moreau

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1. Veterinarians at the French Laundry have genetically modified a Turkey so it now comes Pre-Stuffed with stuffing. They somehow managed to cross a Tom Turkey with a large and shapely crouton, thereby producing the pre-stuffed bird. Diners are just gobbling it up.

Tom Turkey remarked, “Let me tell you something, croutons can eat crackers in my coop anytime.”

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2. These same veterinarians have met with less success in producing an all-in-one turducken. Seems they can’t get a turkey, a duck and a chicken to participate in a ménage à trois. After the 3 had gone out to dinner, the waiter asked  who would take the check and the gracious duck said, “Oh, just put it on my bill.”

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But then the duck got his feathers ruffled when he thought he heard the chicken make a dirty quack about him, when he heard, “You have an ugly waddle.” When what the chicken really said was meant for the turkey: “You have an ugly wattle.”

“Well cluck you,” said the duck to the chicken. 

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French Laundry Veterinarian and sous chef Dr. Moreau remarked, “There’s only so much I can do with a turkey baster and duck sperm. In order for this to happen the birds have got to flock together. The problem is they’re all a bunch of bird brains.”