Posts Tagged ‘fees’

As the hospitality industry tries to create the illusion of a bargain, they’re offering barebones rates so low that they appeal to the cheapskate in all of us. To make-up for those unsustainably cheap rates, the industry brazenly lards the final cost with nonsense fees, phantom charges and superfluous costs to boost their bottom line. These fees are tacked on at the desk when you check-in. They often appear as a “Spa” fee or an “Accommodation” fee.

Just what these supplementary charges are for we may never know. Is it to fold the tip of the toilet paper into a little triangle, or maybe to ensure all the corpses have been removed from the beds? Shouldn’t they be doing this automatically? I mean the coroner would take care of any cadavers – the hotel wouldn’t have to lift a finger. It seems some of the dastardly fees are unrelated to anything the hotel is actually providing, but how else can they offer a 4-star experience at $100 a night that balloons to $250 after fees, taxes and gross profiteering? The following is a list of some of those extra charges hotels are marbling into their already fatty prices.

Disclaimer: Reader be advised, I provide this comprehensive list completely free of charge. Now if you’d prefer a list of the truly funny overcharges, I can provide them to you for a small “Enhanced Content” fee of $5.

Little Known Hotel Fees and Charges

1. Price Gouging Allowance: $50 – This fee helps greedy hotel owners laugh all the way to the bank
2. Web Cam Deactivation Fee $25 – By paying this fee to the hotel media troll you ensure your hotel stay will not be live-streamed on Tik-Tok. Warning: Be sure to pay the separate charge for turning off the bathroom cam.
3. Exhalation Fee: .001¢ per breath – Hotels say it’s a reasonable fee when you consider they give you all your inhalations free of charge. This fee can really add up. Especially if you and your partner pant a lot during relations.
4. Blanket Charge – Bring your own, otherwise expect to pay a cover charge for the blanket
5. Memory Bank Purge Charge $10 – Allows the guest to believe they’re the first person to sit naked on anything in the room.
6. Non-Operating Thermostat Improvement Fee: $10 – Since there has never been a thermostat in any hotel room ever that has borne any relation to what it’s set at and what the actual temperature is in the room, guests are highly advised to pay this fee in order to guarantee at least a 10° minimum variance.
7. Pee Fee: $5 – A must pay if you want the toilet lid unlocked, granting you access to the bowl. Otherwise good luck reaching the sink. Be sure to pay the separate charge that makes it possible to flush the toilet.
8. Doggy Spooj Abatement Fee: $5 – With so many hotels now being pet-friendly, this fee ensures that any Fido emissions have been completely expunged from the room. Always recommended you pay this fee for a Thursday night stay since Wednesday is Hump Day.
9. Envious Mini-Bar Staring Mitigation Fee $7 – Ensures your envious stare at the peanut butter-filled pretzels doesn’t register as a purchase. A highly metaphysical impossibility, but it does happen and the Mini-Bar Staring Mitigation Fee thwarts these overcharges.
10. Bed Scale Weight Recording Prevention Fee: $11 – This fee prevents your bed from recording your weight and making it part of your permanent record. It can affect your credit score and health insurance rates. So if your chubby that’s the skinny on this weighty matter.