Posts Tagged ‘hotel’

As the hospitality industry tries to create the illusion of a bargain, they’re offering barebones rates so low that they appeal to the cheapskate in all of us. To make-up for those unsustainably cheap rates, the industry brazenly lards the final cost with nonsense fees, phantom charges and superfluous costs to boost their bottom line. These fees are tacked on at the desk when you check-in. They often appear as a “Spa” fee or an “Accommodation” fee.

 

Just what these supplementary charges are for we may never know. Is it to fold the tip of the toilet paper into a little triangle, or maybe to ensure all the corpses have been removed from the beds? Shouldn’t they be doing this automatically? I mean the coroner would take care of any cadavers – the hotel wouldn’t have to lift a finger. It seems some of the dastardly fees are unrelated to anything the hotel is actually providing, but how else can they offer a 4-star experience at $100 a night that balloons to $250 after fees, taxes and gross profiteering? The following is a list of some of those extra charges hotels are marbling into their already fatty prices.

 

Disclaimer: Reader be advised, I provide this comprehensive list completely free of charge. Now if you’d prefer a list of the truly funny overcharges, I can provide them to you for a small “Enhanced Content” fee of $5.

 

Little Known Hotel Fees and Charges

 

1. Price Gouging Allowance: $50 – This fee helps greedy hotel owners laugh all the way to the bank
2. Web Cam Deactivation Fee $25 – By paying this fee to the hotel media troll you ensure your hotel stay will not be live-streamed on Tik-Tok. Warning: Be sure to pay the separate charge for turning off the bathroom cam.
3. Exhalation Fee: .001¢ per breath – Hotels say it’s a reasonable fee when you consider they give you all your inhalations free of charge. This fee can really add up. Especially if you and your partner pant a lot during relations.
4. Blanket Charge – Bring your own, otherwise expect to pay a cover charge for the blanket
5. Memory Bank Purge Charge $10 – Allows the guest to believe they’re the first person to sit naked on anything in the room.
6. Non-Operating Thermostat Improvement Fee: $10 – Since there has never been a thermostat in any hotel room ever that has borne any relation to what it’s set at and what the actual temperature is in the room, guests are highly advised to pay this fee in order to guarantee at least a 10° minimum variance.
7. Pee Fee: $5 – A must pay if you want the toilet lid unlocked, granting you access to the bowl. Otherwise good luck reaching the sink. Be sure to pay the separate charge that makes it possible to flush the toilet.
8. Doggy Spooj Abatement Fee: $5 – With so many hotels now being pet-friendly, this fee ensures that any Fido emissions have been completely expunged from the room. Always recommended you pay this fee for a Thursday night stay since Wednesday is Hump Day.
9. Envious Mini-Bar Staring Mitigation Fee $7 – Ensures your envious stare at the peanut butter-filled pretzels doesn’t register as a purchase. A highly metaphysical impossibility, but it does happen and the Mini-Bar Staring Mitigation Fee thwarts these overcharges.
10. Bed Scale Weight Recording Prevention Fee: $11 – This fee prevents your bed from recording your weight and making it part of your permanent record. It can affect your credit score and health insurance rates. So if your chubby that’s the skinny on this weighty matter.

Best Western Hotel

420 Constitution Drive Livermore, CA 94550

 

Ideally situated between the Livermore Costco and Miss Fanny’s Gentleman’s Club, this Best Western Hotel is a 100% felon-free property (in all likelihood). Before graduating to a Best Western Hotel, the property began as a Good Western and then worked itself up to a Better Western Hotel before finally achieving Best Western status.

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Fun Priceline Fact: If at the end of Double Jeopardy all the contestants are in negative territory, the world ends.

 

The following are Certified Reviews by Verified Priceline Guests:

 

6.0    David Hardiman of Reno, NV

Pros:          Had a life-changing, boundary-dissolving experience where I transcended my body, journeyed to the Godhead and became one with the empyrean treasures of the universe.

Cons:         Could’ve used more towels.

 

8.8    Mahatma Adams of Brookline, MA

Pros:          Most of the Swastikas had been painted over.

Cons:         At the breakfast bar a business man was using the waffle iron to press his tie.

 

3.14  Physicist Calbert Martindale of Pasadena, CA

Pros:          Gravity functioned normally and, from my frame of reference, light seemed to travel at 186,000 mps

Cons:         Upon arrival there was urine in the toilet.

Management‘s Response: Well, where else would you want it?

 

8.5    Malcolm Gulliver of Lilliput

Pros:     I was unnerved by all the chalk body outlines on the floor

Cons:    Bullet proof window glass came in handy a few times during our stay

 

8.0    Mrs. Dalai Lama – Citizen of the World

Pros:          Mr. Lama had yet another boundary-dissolving experience where he transcended his body, journeyed to the Godhead and became one with the empyrean treasures of the universe. Ho-hum.

Cons:         Place could use some updating. Chamber pots didn’t flush. Not enough candles and I was hoping to bump into Rita Moreno.

 

10     Cindy Medici of Kitty Hawk, NC

Pros:          I’d give it an 11 if I could. Friendly staff helped me with my bikini wax for well over an hour. At least they said they were staff.

Cons:         Omelet station chef forgot to remove the plastic wrap from the cheese in my omelet.

 

9.0    Meeee aaand Mrs, Mrs. Jones (the one who’s “gotta thing, goin’ on” with the singer)

Pros:          Those sprinkler heads were so handy to hang clothes on.

Cons:         There was a guy in our bed.

Management’s Response: We apologize for the guy. But at least we’re pretty sure he wasn’t a felon.

 

5.5    Eleanor Rigby of Liverpool, England

Pros:          My key worked on all the rooms

Cons:       The supposed Hershey’s Kiss on my pillow wasn’t wrapped. In fact it wasn’t even chocolate.

 

10     Sildenafil Hardman of Stratford-upon-Pfizer

Pros:          I don’t know how a place can be “LGBTQ Pet Friendly,” but this place was.  

Cons:         Someone left their Service Turtle in the bathtub wearing its little “Please Do Not Turn Me Over” yellow vest.

 

10     Leni Riefenstahl of Bavaria

Pros:       Lock left open on adjoining room, so we managed to sublet it for 100 Euros.

Cons:      There wasn’t any hot water. In fact there was no running water. It barely walked.

Management’s Response: This is a supply chain issue.

 

8.0    Wally Walters of Walla Walla, WA

Pros:          Rusty water was great for my anemia.

Cons:         The door knobs and the remote were both sticky.

Management’s Response: We do that intentionally to promote a better grip. Yeah, that’s it.

 

7.0    A Real Housewife of Orange County

Pros:          Easily operable dials and switches on thermostat

Cons:         However there was absolutely no correlation between the room temperature and the thermostat setting. It actually seemed to do the opposite.

Management’s Response: This is pretty much standard at all hotels now.

 

10     Candy Apple of Syracuse, NY

Pros:          Somebody left some Gummies in the nightstand

Cons:         For a certified smoke-free room there sure we’re a lot of cigarette burns.

Management’s Response: That’s because the last woman who stayed in that room was smokin’.

 

7.0    Homer Simpson of Springfield

Pros:          Everything was very well run and extremely secure

Cons:         Night Manager insisted I refer to her as “Warden Kathy” and suggested maybe I’d be better off returning to my cell.

 

8.0    Cialis Valencia of Lilly, WI

Pros:          Rabbit Ears allowed for excellent TV reception

Cons:         Reflection in mirror didn’t do what I was doing.

 

4.0       Bernadette Cumberbatch-Humperdinck of London, England

Pros:          Good value

Cons:         Didn’t understand what I was consenting to when I agreed to make my own bed in order to save money. Then they gave me a hammer, a saw, some boards and nails and told me to go make my bed.     

 

Best Western Hotel Amenities:

• Our hair dryers blow
• Our vacuums suck
• Our donuts are holy
• Our irons are ironic
• Our breakfast bar proudly serves generic oatmeal and even well-behaved Belgians
• We still send and receive Telegrams <STOP>

 

 

Hotel Features

Happily situated just off Interstate 666, this Livermore hotel is within a 10 minute drive of 4 Urgent Care Centers, 3 Not-So-Urgent-But-Vital-Enough Care Centers, 2 We-Can-Wait-Awhile-But-Not-Too-Long Care Centers and 1 “for profit” orphanage. For hygienic free-spirits, the lobby features a communal bidet. The Fitness Center has been reimagined as a well-equipped Fatness Center where an honest chubby  person can go and “get your lipids on.”

All guest rooms come with free atmosphere, gravity and hidden webcams. Guest rooms at Best Western also come with 42-inch High Definition Microwave Ovens where nothing takes longer than 5 seconds to heat. A deluxe continental breakfast is served every morning. Unfortunately it’s served on the continent of Europe. The front desk is staffed 24 hours, although those hours aren’t necessarily consecutive. The Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory is 2 miles away (follow the plutonium glow).

 

We hope you enjoy your stay at the Best Western and if you don’t agree this is the Best Western you stayed at, we’ll give you a coupon for a free Continental breakfast…served on the continent of Australia.

Red Loin Hotels: Championing Gay Geriatric Sexuality for almost 2 weeks (In other words, we’re trying to increase our occupancy rate)

No matter how old you are, age is something you always have.  And as you approach your twilight years Red Loin Hotel chain recognizes the special needs homosexuals of a certain age may require. And that’s why not only are we gay-friendly, but we’re also LGBT-compliant even though we have no idea what the B or the T stand for. Our marketing department can worry about that. We simply want to get the message out to people who enjoy similarly equipped people, that we’ve taken concrete steps to ensure your stay with us is both memorable and unforgettable; even though memorable and unforgettable both mean the same thing. Our marketing department can worry about that. We had earlier taken wooden steps to ensure your stay with us was memorable, but we found the concrete steps were more enduring and so will you.

Therefore it is with great pleasure we present Red Loin’s gay-friendly amenities:  Read the rest of this entry »