Posts Tagged ‘tiffany’

Mark My Words…So to Speak

In July, punctilious Professor Silas Havisham bought a $750 bookmark from Tiffany and Company – marked down from $850. He thought he got a great deal on the cobra-skinned, diamond-encrusted bookmark and was very excited to take it home and start using it. By August however, he had returned the faulty placeholder and asked for a refund claiming the bookmark was defective. Prof. Havisham explains:


The dog-gone thing doesn’t work. I mean it works just fine when I put it in between the page where I’ve finished reading, but later, when I go back to start reading again, it’s always moved itself to another page. It won’t stay still. Neither myself nor Mrs. Havisham can explain it. Who needs a self-aware book mark? Stay inanimate, damnit. Now I have to dog-ear pages just to keep my place in a book, which really defeats the whole purpose of a bookmark to begin with – especially one that costs $750. I have a simple plastic bookmark I got for free at our annual Lion’s Club Pancake breakfast right here in Half Moon Bay. I never find it wandering amongst the pages of the book I left it in. It works great and didn’t cost me a cent. You’d think for $750 they’d have solved the problem of the “migrating bookmark.”


Tiffany’s, where he bought the pricey place keeper, said the bookmark was working just fine when it left the store and that they missed this particular bookmark saying, “That bookmark will always hold a special place for us. I just wish it could do the same for Mr. Havisham.”


Tiffany’s said that, because this $750, one-of-a-kind bookmark had been taken out of its sleeve and used, it had depreciated to $69.99 and therefore company policy prevented them from issuing a refund. As company spokesperson Kate Nagelmackers explained to Mr. Havisham, “Sorry Professor. Since your fingerprints are all over this thing, the bookmark now has very little resale value, so we can’t offer a refund. We do however, depreciate your business very much and as testament to that we offer you a certificate for breakfast at Tiffany’s.”


Mr. Havisham said he was surprised by the bookmark’s malfunction: “Tiffany’s desk set accoutrements are close to perfection. Some say I overpaid for my $9500 letter opener and $3500 paperweight, but they both do the job magnificently. Tiffany was right when they marketed the set as ‘The last letter opener and paperweight you’ll ever have to buy.’ It’s strange though; we have noticed our aging paperweight is starting to put on a few extra pounds. How could it not? It just sits around all day oppressing our paper. Weight! That’s it’s job. It’s completely sedentary and gets no exercise. Anyway, we can barely lift the little guy these days.”


Mrs. Havisham concurred, “Usually Tiffany’s products are flawless. To me, our $12,000 tea cozy is worth twice the price. And my $300 tiny, little support table that goes in the middle of a pizza box to prevent the box top from collapsing into the pizza, probably works beautifully, even though we haven’t come close to using it in the 12 years we’ve owned it. We do lean a little ballerina next to the $300 miniature table and then when we walk by we say, ‘Hold me closer tiny dancer.’ But even that is starting to get old now.”  


Mr. Havisham then digressed, “Mark my words on this (just don’t use my $750 bookmark to do it). Remember that Michael Jackson/Paul McCartney hit song The Girl is Mine? That really was a Silly Love Song wasn’t it? How could those 2 legends actually sing the lyrics: ‘the dog-gone girl is mine’’? Well, we know one thing these days – the dog-eared book is mine.”