Posts Tagged ‘uncle’

1. On a dare I once swallowed a quarter. And next morning, in the toilet, were 2 dimes and a nickel.
2. There are times I’ve let my cat lick my head for way too long
3. I’ve used a blood pressure cuff…but not just on my arm
4. That of all the 10 Commandments, I’m compliant with maybe 2½ of them
   

   Not so fast “Uncle” Ben.

5. I once had to blackmail a black male. I really had no choice. After all, I came into possession of documents proving that Uncle Ben didn’t have any nephews. He was no uncle, and the whole kindly uncle thing was just a starchy, corporate scam. I was just following one of the Commandments: I did not bear false witness. I just told the truth until Ben cried, “Uncle.” And here’s the kicker: the proof that Uncle Ben had no nephews was given to me by a niece of Aunt Jemima.
6. Probably 85% of the music I’ve listened to has been Beatle music (actually I’m not really ashamed, I’m proud {Actually I’m not proud or ashamed I just love charting/imagining the creative process that led to so many lush and fully formed songs. Their inventive journey if you will. Even if you won’t….I Will [Get it? – I Will]})

Reset: Things I’m Ashamed to Admit

7. I once held up a picture of Raquel Welch for almost 10 minutes…and with only one hand
8. On more than one occasion, we went back through a Wendy’s Drive-thru to tell them they forgot our French fries…even though they didn’t forget our French fries. What can I say? Back then we were hungry and poor, and we wanted more French fries damn it.
9. I’ve peed in one of the oceans. I don’t want to spoil that ocean for you, so let’s just say it was a very Specific Ocean.
10. This is a tough one to admit, but when I’m all alone, I like to wear men’s underwear (thank you Steve Martin)
11. I don’t know if I’m choosing to be heterosexual or that I’m simply heterosexual {That Herb Alpert cover convinced me}.
12. I’ve never once showered before getting into a pool. And I never will. I will, however, shampoo after my cat licks my head for 15 minutes as purr the 11^th Commandment: Thou shalt not allow thine feline to preen its owners head for a period not to exceed 12 cubits without lathering, rinsing and repeating. Yea verily, let it be so.
13. One time I picked my friend, and then I picked my seat, and then (even though I knew you weren’t supposed to do it) I picked my friend’s seat. Oh the shame.
14. I’m neither binary, nor non-binary. It’s just the way I am and they are. So there.