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Posts Tagged ‘virus’

***Coronavirus Update*** Notes from Around the Globe

1. This whole social spacing thing is nothing new to me. People are always telling me to keep my distance.
2. Banks to relax “shoot to kill” order when people enter banks wearing masks
3. Some people have been cocooning so long they’ve emerged from their homes as butterflies
4. Most in demand job: Epitaph writers. And that’s my last word on the subject.
5. Andrew Cuomo has never been sexier – and that’s not an easy thing to do
6. Shortage of embalming fluid allows bottlers to finally empty warehouses of all that unsold Zima
7. Kissing Booth industry devastated by Coronavirus. Now using wax lips.
8. Dogs are Confused and Weary: “Even I don’t need this much attention,” growled Rover. “C’mon people. You’re walking me 6 times a day. Enough already I’m dry. I’m empty. I have no more contributions to offer the little sapling near the swing set. And another thing, take a lesson from me. Have you ever noticed how much toilet paper I use?”
9. Number 9 quarantined by the CDC
10. Cardiac Monitor industry is suffering. It’s now on life support. If it gets any worse they’ll flat line. But they won’t ever know it because there aren’t enough Cardiac Monitors to go around.
11. Rod Belcher of Overland Park, Kansas summarizes the enter Coronavirus pandemic from its genesis to its current state: “Some shopkeeper in an open air market in Wuhan, China decides to expand his unrefrigerated meat case to include wombat cutlets. The next thing you know I’m down to using 1 square of toilet paper per flush. Why can’t they just buy cellophane wrapped meat like the rest of us?”
12. Shortage of long johns creates longing for slim Jims. Makes no sense. Neither does our enforced incarceration. I mean at some point we’re going to be released from house arrest – and we won’t even have a prison record. Crazy.
13. At first they all laughed when I said I wanted to study in Antarctica. Now who’s laughing (and really, really cold)?
14. Hermits everywhere agree: “Welcome to our world. Where, what you call Social Distancing, we call Tuesday.”
15. Trump awards 2 Congressional Medals of Honor to Netflix. “They’re doing tremendous, tremendous work. Twice as good as I hoped and that’s why I’m giving them 2 medals.”
16. This just in: Jimmy Osmond, the youngest Osmond brother, has marked himself as safe even though he says, “Marie keeps bugging me.”
17. Business as Usual: Against federal orders XFL restarts season. Same amount of fans attending as before – none.
18. Adult Film Industry making little progress in trying to find ways of eroticizing people poking each other with 6 foot poles.
19. Comic Con convention suddenly doesn’t seem that important. And it wasn’t that important to begin with.
20. Even with all this time on my hands, I still can’t seem to get through “The Irishman”
21. This UFC Statement Went Viral: “Coronavirus thinks it’s so tough. Nah man. In a cage match, Spanish Influenza would kick Coronaviruses ass.”
22. Somehow Kellogg’s 23th new flavor formulation of the Cheez-It just doesn’t excite me right now. Who cares about Calvin Coolidge Ranch Cheez-Itz?
23. Not interested in seeing an Instagram of Vanilla Ice singing “Ice Ice Baby” to raise awareness of Vanilla Ice. Mango Ice Yes. Vanilla Ice, meh. Cardi B is the only one that speaks for me (when I have the Closed Captions on) otherwise I can’t understand her at all.
24. And finally, because you don’t waste things (even half-baked ideas like these) during these unnerving times, I’ve included the following: In a poll of Polish Pole Dancers most wanted to remain in Romania disguised as hungry Hungarians eating Greece-y Turkey on Laos-y China. Just Brazilliant!
25. Stay Safe. Much Love and Support to you all. If you think the Coronavirus connects us all, just wait till you/we experience the rapturous connectivity pervading the Cosmos – ineffable and just momentarily forgotten. Sounds good, but maybe that’s the hydroxychloroquine talking.


List of Sports Leagues Cancelling Their Seasons Due to the Coronavirus

  1. While self-quarantining, recreate the mind and the body. And don’t worry, you’ll never miss these sports. body.

    Origami League – As expected, the league folded. That’s all they did. That created a financial problem. So the league just folded.

  2. Professional Marbles Association – Not a Coronavirus related closing. They simply lost their marbles. 
  3. Jewdo – Martial Arts for Semites. Was never really a hit. The sport was always underfunded as participants refused to pay retail.
  4. Competitive Eating Club – This is a tough one to swallow. And I’m sorry I broke the first rule of the Competitive Eating Club which is, “You don’t talk about Competitive Eating Club.”
  5. Uphill Skiing League – The league fought gallantly to avoid cancellation, but it was an uphill battle – both ways. 
  6. Miniature Golf – No surprise here. Miniature Golf’s fan base had been shrinking for some time.
  7. Competitive Balloon Animal-ing – Get this. It’s so popular now, Balloon Animals are actually expanding. Pop Culture I guess.
  8. Air Hockey – Face it, the game blows. It has to, otherwise the puck would never elevate. Ironically, now that it’s unplugged, it doesn’t blow anymore.
  9. Dwarf Tossing League – Always politically incorrect to begin with, this “He ain’t heavy, he’s my midget” gnome-hurling sport will be downsized and eventually replaced with the bulimic sport of cookie tossing.
  10. Professional Snow Writing – Cancelled their season for 2 reasons: 1. Hygiene was always an issue and 2. Whether writing in cursive or block letters, women we’re always at an anatomical disadvantage. (I know… “ewwww” factor)
  11. Speed Band-Aid Removal – A marginal sport at best, the Speed Band-Aid Removal owners just felt it was a time to heal rather than peel.
  12. Speed Bikini Waxing – Instead of cancelling the season they took the easy way out and just shaved 2 months off it. They said it wasn’t so much a public health issue as it was a pubic health issue.
  13. Speed Backstroke Racing – It went belly up.
  14. Throwing a Tennis Ball with a Spaghetti Spoon League – The season wasn’t cancelled by dog owners, but by the dogs who no longer wanted to run a 5K just to retrieve some stupid ball. A Spokesdog commented, “Playing ‘fetch’ was fine for 20,000 years. Everyone knew their place. Now we’re supposed to run a marathon while our owners use a frickin’ catapult to throw the ball into the next zip code. Enough already. When we get gray around the snout, tossing a stick 30 feet is fine.”
  15. Skeet Shooting Association– Decided to terminate the season in an effort to save dinner plates needed to serve the hungry. Briefly considered using unemployed dwarfs from the Dwarf Tossing League as alternative targets, but dwarf wranglers couldn’t toss them high enough and catapults were unreliable. And yes I do apologize to everyone for #15.
  16. Hang Gliding Society – Experienced a fall from Grace. I guess they just couldn’t keep current But seriously, when Grace fell, the hangwriting was on the wall.
  17. National Rowing Association – They will continue despite the fact that all rowers have had strokes.
  18. National Sculling Association – This more intellectually empowered version of the National Rowing Association will continue their haughty ways even though these scullers are all a bunch of head cases.
  19. Upside Down Kayaking in Scuba Gear – Someone loses a bar bet and suddenly there’s a sport. I don’t think so.
  20. Major League Archery – Went bankrupt after losing a patent infringement suit to Target
  21. Major League Treachery – A reality sport that also went bankrupt after a lawsuit from Arthur Treacher. Remember – Jeeves, Fish and Chips anyone?
  22. American Fencing Association – Whether Stockade or Chain Link, they’ve all agreed to suspend operations. I may have mixed my swords with my pickets here. Well hopefully my rapier wit stays intact.
  23. Badminton – Unfortunately it’s cancelled. However it will soon be replaced by Goodminton.
  24. NERF Ball Stuffing – Not really a spectator sport, it nonetheless suspended operations due to hygienic considerations. Some franchises were folded into the HSL – the Hide the Salami League.
  25. Whiffle Ball – The league closed and nobody batted an eye.
  26. Waffle Ball – They ran out of dough. Now they’re toast.
  27. Competitive Eating Association – Not affiliated with the Competitive Eating Club (which I shouldn’t have talked about in the first place). So what happened to the Competitive Eating Association? – They went belly up.
  28. The World’s Oldest Sport – It will remain unaffected. In fact, it will likely increase in popularity because there will be fewer distractions. 
  29. Kneeboarding – This water sport got very confusing. Participants thought they had to simulate drowning their knees with washcloths and water.
  30. French Fry Bobbing Assoc. – What? You thought I’d create this list and not include this classic? Most participants looked like the Phantom of the Opera
  31. American Bungee Jumping Association to Suspend Operations – What else is new. That’s all they did. Suspend operations.
  32. Pro Bowlers Association – Couldn’t spare a dime and now they’re on
  33. Free Climbing Kirstie Alley – The sport ended when Ms. Alley discovered 3 climbers at Base Camp, swinging from her hips.
  34. Full Contact Chess – Sport was driven from the field when complaints rose from other less protected pieces about why the Knights got to wear helmets and everybody else was subject to CTE. One of the Bishops piped up, “I feel like such a pawn.” Another Bishop, already late for an appointment while finishing his Guinness at a pub said, “Check mate?”
  35. English Steeplechase – Sport closed down when it was discovered that steeples didn’t run…and therefore certainly didn’t need to be chased.
  36. Dressage – Isn’t dressage what RuPaul and his TV friends do? Am I confusing it with drag racing?
  37. Equestrian – Closed up much to my chagrin. And I thought, “This is the dawning of the Age of Equestrian.
  38. Spearfishing (The Angry Anglers) – This sport died from a self-inflicted puncture wound. Note: The one time I went spearfishing I did pretty well. I caught 5 spears. 1 asparagus, 1 Britney and 3 regular. Next time I went ice fishing and caught 10 cubes. Nearly drowned trying to cook them.
  39. International Cow Tipping Society – The sport of cow tipping was disbanded when cows began demanding unaffordable 40 and 50% tips. The president of the society explained, “What irony. The cows we’re actually milking us.”
  40. Australian Rules Hurling – I knew this one wouldn’t last too long. Who wants to watch a bunch of burly guys throwing up – and upside down to boot? Very disturbing.
  41. Rhythmic Gymnastics – We all know what “rhythmic gymnastics” is a euphemism for. This oldest sport known to man is best left to lovers in the bedroom.
  42. Patty Cake League – The Patty Cake League closed shop when the Baker’s man pay was cut. He considered it a slap in the face and began baking cakes slowly. The whole Patty Cake thing just didn’t work after that. They tried to secretly resurrect themselves as the Pat-A-Cake League, but people could hear this dog whistle. Besides, by then people had moved on to fist bumps.
  43. Kick Boxing Club – It seems participants didn’t like the possibility of receiving a blunt force roundhouse kick to the head with enough kinetic energy to dislodge the nose of George Washington from Mount Rushmore. The club tried to cushion the blows by using a kind of boxing gloves for the feet, but kick boxers looked plain silly – tramping around like prancing dogs when you put booties on them. And I know…I’m breaking the first rule of Kick Boxing Club by talking about them.
  44. Even Unparallel Bars – Too iconoclastic. Andy Warhol’s answer to the uneven parallel bars served no practical purpose other than to be provocative and to remind us that “This is not here.” Life is confounding enough.