Posts Tagged ‘worst’

Things I Wouldn’t Wish on My Worst Enemy

  1. Being told you can’t be part of a Class Action Lawsuit because you have no class
  2. Cocaine Bear
  3. Being forced to binge-watch One Life to Live – this is especially tough for people who believe in reincarnation
  4. A girlfriend who keeps putting air quotes around your penis
  5. You crack open an egg and an angry lizard comes out and attacks you. You try to laugh it off, but soon discover – this is no yolk.
  6. I wouldn’t wish You on my worst enemy – especially when you’re in one of your “moods”
  7. A judge decreeing you must be catheterized for non-payment of a parking ticket
  8. Another judge sentencing you to a year of circumcising elephants for not smiling when getting catheterized for not paying your parking ticket. Well, as far as the elephant thing goes; the pay might not be great, but I hear the tips are tremendous.
  9. When trying to go to bed, you have to listen to an endless White noise loop of someone snoring
  10. You have to perform at a “Gentleman’s Club” under the name of Candy Samples. Although the pay might not be great, I hear the tips are tremendous.
  11. In writing a very important letter, your spellcheck doesn’t work, so the parole board fully realizes what an undeserving dipsh*t you really are
  12. To get waterboarded with Yoo-hoo
  13. Waking up on the moon
  14. Having to put out a restraining order against the Dalai Lama because he’s after your sorry ass.
  15. Where you believe that even though superficial evidence seems to indicate that you are just a person living in your body, completely separate and distinct from God and everyone else. That would be foolhardy…and narrow. Some people think this tip is tremendous.

Amazon’s Worst-Selling Books

  1. Thank You for Your Service: A Shout Out to Crash Test Dummies
  2. “I Didn’t Sign Up for This”: Complaints by People Who Signed-up for Things They No Longer Like
  3. The Politicization of Baloney: The Right Claims It, But Isn’t it Really a Left-Wing Meat?
  4. Are Toadstools and Frogchairs the Same Thing?
  5. Coping with Coping Saws
  6. Not in My Backyard: A Short History of Above Ground Pools
  7. Too Many Colons::::: A Tubular History of Diacritical Marks
  8. “Absolutely no one in my entourage may ever take drugs.” “Hello, Offshore Pharmacy, send me 1000 vials of Fentanyl.” The Hypocrisy of Prince in a Book Title that Doesn’t Even Fit on the Book Cover
  9. Dan Quayle: Not Looking So Bad These Days
  10. George W Bush: Oh How We Miss Thee
  11. Joseph Stalin: No, He Still Sucks
  12. Old School: A Misplaced Appreciation of When Things Were Even Stupider
  13. Having Said That: Things that People Have Already Said
  14. “No, not quite. The cheese itself isn’t grilled. The bread surrounding the cheese is.”: The Genesis of the Grilled Cheese Sandwich
  15. Harvey Weinstein’s Prison Experience: “OK. Enough. I get it! Can I please leave?”
  16. How Grover Cleveland Got His Groove Back and Other Stories of Presidential Redemption
  17. Subway Franchisees: They’re Not All From India
  18. “No, not Cool-aid, but Kool-Aid.” How an Intentional Misspelling Made Kraft a Fortune
  19. Google to Partner with Titleist to Research Self-driving Golf Balls (Really a headline and not a book. So sue me.)
  20. “Can I pay someone to do yoga for me?” and Other Questions from the Wealthy