(As It Pertains to Peoples’ Names)

Be it known to all homo sapiens, that I (your eternal pal, the Almighty) am not a fan of these designer, boutique names that so many of my errant flock have wantonly applied to themselves. These hip-hop and vacuous monikers conjure up unjustified notions of characters ranging from gilded royalty to gritty street urchins. It is therefore incumbent upon me to apply some long overdue divine intervention in the realm of names.

Commencing immediately I shall expunge all names with hyphens, numbers or overly long names with too many consonants that even I lose interest in pronouncing halfway through. I fully support plain, understandable American names – the way I meant them to be. Stout, coherent names like Calvin Coolidge, Courtney Cox or Neil Armstrong. Bear in mind, P Diddy or Lizzo or Dua Lipa are not names. They’re brand names. Alanis Morrisette is as exotic as a name needs to be.

It is my edict that all single names are abolished. Except for Cher. I’m grandfathering her in. Only she and my son Jesus get to keep their one-word names. Names like Marlon Brando, Harry Belafonte or Sophia Loren are wonderful names and lightly evince a cachet of both sophistication and class – listening P Diddy or 50 Cent. Put another way: Alanis Morrisette – Good, Vanilla Ice – Bad. Listen my children, you’re already special. You don’t need to wrap yourself in a craven moniker to make you feel even more so.

So, as a service to my flock I’m providing guidelines for proper name-age. I bring forth these tablets from Mt. Sinai containing The New 14 Commandments as it pertains to names:

1. 

   Yeah, what he said.

   Henceforth all middle names shall be smack in the middle of the name, where they belong. They shall have a one-word first name on the left side, and a one-word surname on the right side. And because I’m such a compassionate Deity, exceptions to this rule are allowed in the South for Billy Bob’s, Billy Jo’s and Mary Kay’s.

2. All believers shall be permitted a one-word last name. No hyphens. No two parts. If one is to marry another, one can either take the spouse’s name or keep their own, period. Let us never forget what happened when Caroline Cumberbatch married Reginald Humperdinck and became Caroline Cumberbatch-Humperdinck. That’s a mouthful the Church simply cannot countenance. It’s inherently disordered.

Hyphenated last names left untreated can lead to even graver consequences, as when Sheila Campanella-Firestone married Kenneth Binswanger-Kravitz, and kept her name while adopting his. Suddenly we were introducing, Sheila Campanella-Firestone Binswanger-Kravitz to her wedding planner, Kirsten Moultrie-Goddard Bulwer-Cavendish. This is unsustainable and must end now. Non-simplifiers shall be smote on the thumbs with a branding iron of not less than 350°.

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3. And as a friendly reminder, ye shall not take the Lord’s name in vain, nor shall ye take any drugs in vein

4. Nicknames are fine (“Buzz” Aldrin for example), but thou shalt not be generally known by a one-word name like Lizzo, Ye or Pink. As mentioned, Cher will be grandmothered in and allowed to keep Cher (Sarkisian). And of course, baby Jesus’ name is untouchable; and if he approves it (after consulting with his mother), Madonna may keep her single name.

And one more thing about this “Ye” guy who arrogates to himself powers of arbitration on all that’s fashionable; he is not Ye. Talk about your false idols, Ye is a fraud. I am Ye. John Lennon said it best about Ye when he sang: ♫I am Ye, as you are Ye, and you are Me, and we are altogether. Goo Goo G’joob. ♫

5. Under no circumstances may one covet thy neighbors’ name. Nor shall ye lay with another man’s name unless it be Sealy, Serta or Posturepedic.

6. And although it has little or nothing to do with these Commandments, the laity is reminded that George Strait is not gay. Boy, George is not gay. I mean, Boy George is gay, but George Strait is straight. Get it? Got it? Good.

7. Rap stars shall use their original birth names to reflect God’s intention and not some streetwise caricature of a thug. Welcome back to earth Marshall Mathers, Shawn Carter and Paul Reubens. Well, maybe not Paul Reubens, but you get the idea.

8. Henceforth Rhianna, Shakira and Cardi B shall all be known as Karen Carpenter – just to take the edge off of them

9. Due to her status (more popular and powerful than me), Taylor Swift may use any name she’d like

10. No name shall have an accent mark above or below any letter in that name. Nor shall any Slavic name contain the chemical symbol for boron. Under penalty of death, neither the letter O nor the number 7 shall be crossed.

11. Asian names are not allowed to begin with Ng, Hs, Ts or Zh. They must be phonetically pronounceable so people don’t give up midway through reading them. To simplify matters, all Asian women shall henceforth be called Candy or Velma and all Asian men shall be called Stan or Higgins.

12. Any Italian last name with 3 or more syllables shall henceforth be changed to Cheech

13. All Arabic names shall be completely eliminated. Arabic women shall be known as Jolene and all Arabic men shall be called Coach

14. Some bookkeeping. Kristen Wiig is now Christine Wig. In fact, all Kirstens, Kristens, Kylies Kaylas or Kirsties are now Christines. George Santos is now Liar Liar. The Almond brothers are nutty. That poor boy named Sue that Johnny Cash sang about, shall henceforth be called Beth.

And finally my children, as you know I have never asked you to do anything I wouldn’t subject myself to first, except for maybe cancer, flesh wounds and oh, there’s probably a couple of other things too. I mean cut me some slack. To run a universe, you’ve got to break a few eggs right? In any event, I have always tried to lead by shining example. For instance, I am well-known by the names of God, the Lord, the Almighty and sometimes my name is invoked as “Oh, it’s so good, it’s so good, it’s so good!”

Despite my humble preeminence, you’ll not find me aggrandizing myself with names like the All Knowing One (even though I am) or The One Who Creates the Entirety of the Cosmos (even though I do). Nope. In truth, I only aspired to be called Finn, but my managers (the deities I answer to – the original OMGs.) thought the name Finn was a little underwhelming, considering the powers I am clothed in. We wanted to instill a bit of shock and awe (and quite frankly, compliance) in our benighted constituency so, I listened to the Board and settled in on the name of God instead of the more vainglorious Sixpac Shakur or Notorious Really BIG I could’ve taken.  

If I can lay off the aggrandizing, so can you. And that’s why I urge my flock to follow these 14 Naming Commandments. I hope you find these directives helpful in reigning in the excesses of your naming profligacies. However, as your shepherd, I must warn you; should you defy me, not only will there be plagues of locusts and way too many frogs to deal with, but I shall give a name to the horse that went through the desert with no name, thereby ruining that America song for all time.

The choice is yours my ever-loving children. You must exercise your Free Will. You have no choice.

With the Power Invested in Me by Taylor Swift,

Signed Your Firm, But Fair God

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