There are really 2 facets to getting up in the morning (if indeed it still is morning). First there’s the waking up portion (easy). Then there’s getting out of bed portion (not so easy). And this is where The 7 Stages Of Getting Out Of Bed come into play:

1. Shock – Why me? I didn’t ask to be born. Stupid horny parents.

2. Denial – Surely this alarm was meant for somebody who gives a sh*t.

3. Bargaining – If keep binge-watching Netflix maybe it will all go away?

4. Guilt – I shouldn’t have gotten in line twice when they passed out the “sleepy gene.” Oh well, ♫Cheer up Sleepy Jean ♫.

5. Anger – It’s still Obama’s fault.

6. Depression – I don’t even want to eat. I swear I’m going to stop feeding myself.

7. Acceptance/hope – Well all this thinking has made me hungry. And since I need money for food, alright I’ll get up and go to work. Next incarnation I hope to come back as a bed so I can lie around all freakin day – yeah that’s right I said “freakin”.

Watch for my next installment of Life Coping Skills when I illuminate the 7 Stages Of Discovering They Got Your Drive-Thru Order Wrong. When you’re 5 miles away.

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