1. I’m organizing a 2-Mile Run to promote Metric System Awareness
2. I’m tellin’ ya…Chuck Norris has no safe word
3. They asked the Marquis De Sade’s wife why she stays with him.

What did she say?

Beats me.

4. They asked the married cannibals why they stayed together.

What did they say?

Eats me!  

5. Remember what Narcissus said to himself before bed: “You had me at me.”
6. What are you reading?

Oh, it’s the poorly selling sequel to The Little Engine That Could

Really? What’s it called?

The Little Engine That Threw a Rod

7. Do you know he was never sick a day in his life. Nope, he did all his puking at night.
8. That little girl scout out front selling her cookies– she sure knows her market
9. I’m jittery, like a squirrel, about ready to cross a busy highway. If only I remembered where I buried my nuts.
10. I’m tellin’ ya…Chuck Norris has no bucket list items
11. I never feel quite right watching a Thursday Night edition of Monday Night Football. Those are weak days.
12. I have it on good authority that when you die, they ask you to take a brief “How did we do?” survey. And I didn’t think they cared.

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