The Rolling Stones at their height of popularity – about 5’10” or 5’11”

What if the Rolling Stones had been a Chinese band and their Mandarin Chinese publicist was tasked with translating their Chinese song names into the American idiom? This is what those song titles might look like alongside their more familiar title:

1. Gratification (I am Unable to Obtain) No, No, No           Satisfaction
2. Copulation and Pharmaceuticals and Sway & Twist      Sex and Drugs and Rock & Roll
3. Impress Upon the Authorities, I’m an Alienated Youth   Virtually any Stones song           
4. Ignite Me (I’ll Continue Ceaselessly)                              Start Me Up
5. Chronology is a Champion of My Cause                        Time is on My Side
6. Beneath My Opposable Digit                                          Under My Thumb
7. We Celebrate Our Boorish Behavior                              Any Stones song
8. I’m Aware of our Music (And I Enjoy It)                          It’s only Rock and Roll (But I Like It)
9. Tiny Matriarchal Abettor                                                 Mother’s Little Helper        
10. We Choose to Rebel in an Anti-social Manner              Any Stones Song
11. A Sleepover – For Us, You Think?                                Let’s Spend the Night Together
12. Yu-Lin                                                                            Angie
13. Darkness for All to Share                                              Paint it Black and Sympathy for the Devil
14. Many Numerous Anxieties Deconstruct Me                  19^th Nervous Breakdown
15. Hoochie Koochie Lady Girl                                            Honky Tonk Woman
16. Chevaux Sauvages                                                       Wild Horses (Sung in French)
17. Jumpin’ Jack Flash                                                       Jumpin’ Jack Flash
18. Thank God It’s Friday                                                    Ruby Tuesday
19. Sweet, Sweet and Almost Black                                   Brown Sugar
20. Altocumulus Standing Lenticular Banishment               Get Off of My Cloud
21. The Mighty Oxen Doth Plow for Us                               Beast of Burden
22. I Demand Quarters                                                        Gimme Shelter
23. Your Choice, Sometime No Can Do                              You Can’t Always Get What You Want

Thank you masses of fans. And these Cascading Down Pebbles of Various Sizes (The Rolling Stones) have played music for you long time. Over 50 years now. I am being enjoying them too. We hope to visit your walled cities soon and perhaps group sing without hypo-allergenic face mask. All goodness to you ~ Yao Zhen-Foo, Publicist for Cascading Down Pebbles of Various Sizes.

Look for my next installment in the Things One Should Not Wonder About, when I discuss people who speak sign language with an accent. All Goodness to You ~ David Hardiman