1. A Step Ladder is your relationship to a ladder a 2^nd wife brings into the marriage. Together you create a blended family toolbox.
2. I went to a hardware store and asked the clerk where the screwdrivers were. He directed me, and when I got there, it was nothing but a shelf of Vodka and Orange Juices.
3. By definition, all of my friend Phil’s screwdrivers are Phillip’s screwdrivers
4. I simply cannot deal with my coping saw anymore
   

   Are awl tools good?

5. And now my hacksaw won’t stop coughing
6. You Can’t Win: At a garage sale, a farmer sold a couple of his old hoes. He then bought some new hoes and then the 4H Club accused him of trafficking in hoes.
7. I’m not surprised my Stud Finder keeps pointing at me
8. In Brooklyn if you request an ax, you must “aks for an ax”
9. The offensive term “Monkeywrench” has been given the less politically charged name of Primatewrench
10. DIY: How to Properly Screw – Whenever I need to screw something, I always take my time to do it right and think of the wood’s feelings too. I usually drill a little pilot hole and then grease it up for easier insertion. After making sure my nuts are nearby, but out of the way, I’ll introduce the screw and slowly and carefully put it in. Sometimes the wood is unforgiving and I have to get a little rough, which is OK as long as it’s in service of a nice tight bond – so they’re both mutually clinging to each other. And then when it’s over and the screw has become one with the wood, I linger for a bit and never just bolt when I’m through. This is called the resolution phase or afterdrill. It’s a very important step and paves the way for future screwings. Sometimes I have to rest between fastenings, but after a while, something woody appears and I’m ready for my next screwing.

Edited Out

11. Happiness is a warm Nail Gun
12. The Soldiers Soldering Iron Cross is awarded to a GI who valorously welds things on the field of battle.

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