We’re All Gay*

*we’re just choosing to be straight

 Note to readers: The opinions expressed are not necessarily the author’s even though he wrote every word and there are no other sources.

What? You’ve never seen two pussies licking each other.



We hold this truth to be self-evident. That nothing is always and forever. Institutions once considered permanent have come and gone. All My Children, Leif Garrett and Spirograph come to mind. Not that I considered them permanent, they just come to mind. Everything we celebrate or deprecate will disappear eventually which is OK for Rap music and Velveeta, but not so good for friends and lovers. Where it all goes to I have my own giddy inklings. But for today I’m not here to pull back the curtain and reveal what’s behind it (Wish I could?). Today I’m here to focus on one sliver of God’s creation – homosexuality. We owe homosexuality a great debt. The peerless Leonardo da Vinci’s was très gay. Without him the Renaissance would’ve taken place 100 years later and Apple would still be apple. How would we survive in the 21st century without our Swiss Army iPhones? Of course there are problems which continue to hector mankind. My problem is trying to keep Nathan Hale, Ethan Allen and Nathan Lane straight. Especially that Nathan Lane.


This breezy glimpse into homosexuality aspires to be a sober yet puckish commentary on the love that dare not speak its name. It aspires to this dispassionate drollery in the same way one might discuss model railroading, color-fast fabrics or cereal chemistry. This is not easily achieved because homosexuality is such a charged issue it’s difficult to separate the passion from the person; and if you could you’d probably need a crowbar. The more self-righteous want to separate the sin from the sinner, but instead of a crowbar they use shame. I’m more in the camp where you love both the sin and the sinner. In fact, I know a place where you can do that for about $150; depending on the sin.

Sex and love is so transformative that we’re often willing to risk everything to experience its connectivity. And it turns out that satisfaction is less about bandwidth and more about content. With enriching content you can both stay on the same page for years scrolling your collective cursors all over the place. And as I shamelessly segue to another cliché metaphor and begin to drill deeply into the fertile field of roiling sexuality I hope to extract meaningful discharges of high value resins. Hey, who doesn’t want that? 

Section I.      Permutations

We begin with 1 unshakable precept: That there are 2 and only 2 sexual orientations – Straight or Gay. And that’s all we’re dealing with here. Allow me to enumerate them. It’s simple and straightforward.

1.       Straight – Boys and Girls getting nude together and performing the Heimlich maneuver.

2.       Gay male and gay female and that’s it. Two categories only and that’s the way I like it. Defined, confined and understandable.

3.       Alright. Now that I think of it there are 5 sexual orientations if you include bisexuality from the male and female point of view. To some, bisexuality is like Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana- Best of Both Worlds. But that’s it. No more.

4.       OK 7 orientations when you fold in transsexuals who are attracted to the opposite sex. And that’s not an easy thing to do because transsexuals don’t fold all that easily. But that’s absolutely it – 7.  

5.       Make that 9 if the transsexual has an affinity for the same sex. But that’s it. That covers it. We’re done. Next idea.

6.       Actually there are 10 when you include people who were celibate like Gandhi or Yosemite Sam. Stick a fork in it we’re done or I have an emotional collapse.

7.       Let the collapse begin because there are 11 as we move down the sexual food chain to heterosexual bestiality (the normal kind). Finis.

8.       Well if we’re going to allow them in the pool we might as well swim with (12 & 13) gay male or lesbian bestiality (the abnormal kind).

9.       And I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention 14 my favorite and first true love – narcissism. I meant everything to me. But eventually even I wasn’t enough and I started cheating on myself with other narcissists. When I found out (you’re always the last to know) I was furious with me, but I soon reconciled with myself, and wow – the make-up sex was incredible!

10.   The well is not dry and the drilling continues except for eunuchs # 14.

11.    And then there’s all that metrosexual, pansexual and supercalifrajisexual stuff.  We’ll just call that #15

12.   And finally number 16 Chuck Norris – you don’t have sex with Chuck Norris. You just look at him cross-eyed and you are so screwed.

Section II      Tripping the Light Fantastic

OK so the unshakable precept is proven wrong – by its author no less. And we are now compelled to admit there are many kinds of sexuality and that they exist on a spectrum that stretches the entire length of my suspensory ligament (Google it). However, for most of us there’s still only one game in town….with some very happening after-hours parties going on in neighborhoods 2 through 12.

And I strongly believe with the full faith and frailty of this human mind that one’s sexual orientation is genetically predisposed and not a choice. It’s a visceral response (well maybe a little lower). Let me describe this scientific process: When nature’s dessert cart is wheeled by you look at the deep dish buttock pie and say “Hell yeah! I’ll take a piece of that.” And the next thing you know you’re calling your spouse “the wife unit” and freezing at kid’s soccer games. One slice of pie, a lifetime of commitments. Well at least there’s a $13.5 billion a year marital aid business to make it all worthwhile.

Now I admit there are probably a few contrarian outliers who like to flout the sexual operating system, thumb their noses at convention and consciously choose homosexuality. Richard Nixon comes to mind. Not that he was homosexual, he just comes to mind. But their meager numbers make any legitimate discussion of homosexuality as a choice, moot. Given the general societal proscription and occasional levels of self-loathing sometimes associated with homosexuality, would you really choose to be gay? Denying it however, would be like waiting to exhale (the simile and not the movie). The point is when you’re making a savory stew you need a thickening agent. And the same holds especially true with love making recipes. Everyone has their own thickening agent. For some it’s a pound of hips and just a pinch of ass. For others it’s 1 part “” and 2 parts vibrating spoon. Sometimes even safe words are involved. And face it. Love making is the most fun you’ll ever have without laughing.

Section III       It’s Never as it Seems

I believe even the staunchest gay militant would, if you rearranged just a few atoms on his DNA sequence, rail against the very thing he now supports. This is true in any realm. Don’t listen to people just love them. Don’t read things for meaning, just read them. I know all about the, “Yeah but(s)” too. And this brings me to what passes for my thesis: namely if you rearranged just a few guanine atoms on a weak link polypeptide chain of my DNA, suddenly I’m downloading Twilight movies just to marvel at Taylor Lautner’s collagen surplus. The movement of just a few atoms. That’s all it would take and I’d be at one of those after-hours parties.  

As football coach Bill Parcells has stated with charmingly gruff candor, “You are what your record says you are.” It’s the same way with sexual predisposition. You are what genitals react to. It’s not you reacting it’s just your body and if you think the two are the same I weep immediately. You pursue your partner simply because dessert cart mentality prevails.

Now I will admit I have had a few homosexual experiences, but I don’t know if they count. They’ve all been with women. There are many reasons I’m relieved I’m not gay. First of all when it comes to the dessert cart, I’m not particularly fond of Bananas Foster. Secondly it would absolutely kill my mother so I’d have to kill her first before coming out. Thirdly I don’t like hairy asses. But if I was gay, I’d definitely pursue it with the same passion I exhibit as a breeder. As Eddie Murphy so eloquently stated in a decades old Playboy interview when asked about sexual orientation; “I think you should put your dick in whatever makes you cum the hardest.” His poetry books are just as delicately phrased. I’d like to hear a politician include that in his stump speech: “Our monetary and fiscal policies must be harmonized to form budgetary synergies. Of course my fellow citizens can do their part by putting their dicks in whatever makes them cum the hardest. God bless America.”   

Section IV       Oh Really? I’m Being Silly. Really?

With the advent of legalized gay marriage, the matrimonial industry is bracing for a same sex registry boom. But what do you get male grooms – monogrammed his & his cum towels? Available in 2 sizes One Day Since and One Week Since. Maybe they’re not even needed as I understand not much of it goes to waste. At male ceremonies there is no best man since those are the ones getting married. Instead there’s a ring bearer, but the ring is not sized to fit a finger. The female ceremonies are more dignified. Especially on the wedding night with lesbians rejoicing over the elimination of the Cup and Run maneuver. Either way, in the morning all lovers of all stripes know they’ve done something in the eyes of God. Everything we do is in the eyes of God. Could it be any other way?    

Bonding, coalescing and merging with the One is perhaps the prime motive force underpinning any activity. Isn’t that what it’s all about, he wrote as a wide-eyed innocent. I say emphatically yes. I say what JFK did, “We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard.” It’s what makes us feel uplifted and generative. Free drugs if you want them. And just like anything worth experiencing. It’s hard work fraught with patience and faith. Meanwhile I’m content to live the rest of my life like most people – recognizing I’m gay but choosing to be straight.

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