Archive for May, 2012

Enemy Yemeni

Captain Abbott & Corpsman Costello clarify US Middle East policy

Frontline: The Middle East

Sector Q Counterinsurgency Task Force – Alpha Group 

Dateline Yemen:

Corpsman: The combatants have dug in at the oasis just beyond the mirage.

Captain: Good work soldier. We need to know their numbers. How many enemy Yemeni are there?

Corpsman: Iraq my brain and I still don’t know how many enemy Yemeni.

Captain: This is really what I’m asking you.

Corpsman: What Israeli?

Captain: Oh, please be Syrias. We’ll need our face masks for the firefight. Where are they?

Corpsman: I am being serious. Damascus on the table. They were very expensive.  

Captain: Yeah the masks were expensive; Egypt us.

Corpsman: Who jipped us?

Captain: No. Who, is the guy on first base.

Corpsman: What about that Jew on second?

Captain: Lowenstein is not a Jew. That Israeli true. Ikanstan this anymore. I’m too old and my knees hurt. And no matter how much they hurt – you can’t Sudanese.

Corpsman: Oman. That is really true.You can’t sue the knees but you can Suez.

Captain: That Israeli true. Tell me about it. In fact Tel Aviv.

Corpsman: OK. Hey Aviv. Do you know how many enemy Yemeni are at the oasis?

Aviv: No, the whole thing’s a mirage. Fallujah, didn’t I?

Not Really Kafka, just Kafka-esque

Exhibit #1: Crime Scene at Old MacDonald’s Farm

Flies in the buttermilk

Shoo fly shoo!

 

Flies in the buttermilk

Shoo fly shoo!

 

Flies in the buttermilk

Shoo fly shoo!

 

Skip to my Lou my darling

This traditional children’s nursery rhyme seemed innocent enough until the flies made a federal case out of it. Few realized then that Flies v. Old MacDonald would become a rigorous litmus test for future Supreme Court nominees. Offshore Law Review Quarterly has published a summary of the case, and, with their implied verbal permission, I’ve reprinted it below. Read the rest of this entry »

Impregnable Logic

New evidence indicates the Virgin Mary was refused service at the Inn because she was a Jew.

The Immaculate Conception may be the most mysterious explanation a wife ever gave a husband for carrying someone else’s baby. But when God comes-a-knockin’, what are you supposed to say, “Not tonight Lord, I’m shampooing.” His will be done. If he can make the the Mississippi River and the Rocky Mountains, he can certainly make this serenely humble peasant from Nazareth. To those who dismissively say, “The Immaculate Conception is inconceivable,” I say go choke on your contradiction in terms. I mean you’ll doubt the Immaculate Conception, but you’ll fully embrace Pringle’s and OctoMom. What is wrong with you people?

Let the skeptics chortle in smug elitism at the improbability of the Immaculate Conception. My truth is in possessing a strong affinity for Nativity scenes. I’m drawn to them like a vegaholic to a salad bar. I’ve always been this way. Maybe it’s because I was born in a Bingo Parlor. Maybe it’s because my favorite hat is a crown of thorns. But for whatever reason, frankincense and myrrh were at the top of my Christmas list. Mom never new quite what to do with them so for about a month after Christmas she’d make us frankincense and myrrh sandwiches for our school lunches or F&Ms as we called them. My attraction to mangers is so compelling that to this day I sleep on a bed of straw. It’s very transformative. In fact I used to sleep in a chilly barn, but mother made me stop because I kept waking up a little hoarse. Read the rest of this entry »