Apple Announces New White Noise Sleep App for Weirdos

Background White noises designed to promote deep & restful sleep in the Loosely Wrapped

  1. Endless loop of Oktoberfest Burping
  2. A soothing recording of a woman continuously saying, “The Sandman will see you now.”
  3. Repeated sound of a cat scrambling to get out of a bathtub with 2” of water in it
  4. For the Zen sleeper: The sound of one hand clapping
  5. Doppler-shifted instructions of a flight attendant screaming, “In the unlikely event of a water landing…”
  6. A cacophony of very moist chewing
  7. A succession of watermelons dropped from 7 stories
  8. A succession of 7 stories dropped from a library
  9. Cute kid mispronouncing the word library as “libary” – puts you right out (if you’re weird)
  10. Ugly guy mispronouncing February as “Febuary”; and no I don’t know how you’d know he was ugly if it’s just an audio recording. I don’t even know whether or not he’s transgendered. This is just a stupid list I made up before bed, so give me a break before you get all judgey.
  11. A guy saying over and over, “Y’know the app sucks, but the list is kinda funny.”

Good night everyone. Sleep tight, but not too tight.

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