Archive for March, 2018

A Therapeutic Rant Enabling Me to Exorcise My OCD Demons

Sir Stephen Hawking to Carl Douglas: “Surely not everyone was Kung Fu fighting.”

Everybody was? Really? Didn’t Carl “one-hit-wonder” Douglas realize that perhaps somebody, somewhere was not Kung Fu fighting. How about singing the more accurately descriptive “a few people were Kung Fu fighting,” instead of the lazy, fits-all lyrics “everybody was Kung Fu fighting.” I mean if we allow this level of lyrical imprecision to percolate into society, where does it end?

The Rolling Stones lamentably sang ♫I Can’t Get NO Satisfaction♫ – really Mick, None? In England in the mid-60’s. I think everybody knows that Mick was getting at least some satisfaction. Alright, maybe not everybody knows it, but many people do. I don’t want to be accused of the same imprecision by using the word everybody when I should’ve said “a few people.”

Calling out and correcting these overblown and inaccurate claims is the domain of someone who prefers to make our universe as tidy as possible. Someone like me. No, I mean it. Someone like me. No really, I’m pleading with you: Someone like me damn it! See how dangerous the slippery slope of misinterpretation is when you casually employ inexact expressions?

Don’t STOP

It’s bad enough that STOP signs don’t change to GO after we’ve stopped. Those smug octagonal signposts think they can just command us to act and expect us to sheepishly comply. And when we do comply, then what? In the absence of a subsequent instruction I’d like to know what the expectation is. The peremptory command to STOP means just that. I see no interpretive wiggle room to assume that at some point we may GO. However millions do. I’m proud to say I’ve sat at STOP signs for hours waiting for some indication as to what to do after I’ve stopped. Usually an encouraging honk and a few words of encouragement from the exasperated motorist behind me is enough for me to, “Get movin’ assh*le.” Read the rest of this entry »

Col. Tomcat Gizmo of the 351st Fighting Felines

Cats view World War II differently than humans do. Several books on the subject of feline heroism have been written by cats, including Saving Private Mittens and Band of Pussies. One problem in highlighting the heroic actions of WWII cats is that most who fought in WWII are either in Veterinarian Homes or were put to sleep decades ago. Some have managed to pass down their stories over several litters using the oral tradition of tongue-to-fur storytelling. Their stories have become a little confused, but using new FurSpeak® technology, I’ve taken the time to decipher and catalogue the compelling and inspirational stories of the 351^st Fighting Felines so that everyone can appreciate the greatest generation of pussies. Read the rest of this entry »

1. The crusty corners of macaroni & cheese
2. Knowing that God is great. But perhaps wishing he had fewer Franchises.
3. Remembering your first kiss. Even if your lips were pressed against a mirror.
4. Wikipedia. Admit it.
5. Remembering your first open-mouthed kiss. Even if it was with someone named Fido.
6. The fact we all have 206 bones. Except for “Shaggy” Rogers from Scooby-Doo. He only had 205. No backbone.
7. Enjoying a good yawn, a good sneeze, a good sigh…or any other good bodily discharge
8. And speaking of sneezing: Who amongst us didn’t say “God bless you” the first time they heard someone say “Machu Picchu?”
9. The simple joy of watching a Hogan’s Heroes Alright, watching back to back Hogan’s Heroes episodes. OK binge-watching Season 3 of Hogan’s Heroes in one sitting. Alright. Watching all 168 episodes consecutively while wearing an adult diaper. Please tell me I’m not alone on this one.
10. Experiencing the white man’s overbite pleasure of rockin’ the bathroom while playing nude air guitar.
11. Screw National Poetry Month. The only month worth celebrating is National Cheeseburger Month.
12. The aquatic appreciation of the powerfully immaculate 5-second watery whoosh of a public toilet after we finish our business
13. During daylight savings time, springing the clocks ahead only 55 minutes and then secretly pocketing a cool 5 minutes for yourself on the down low.
14. Seeing Gal Gadot in her Wonder Woman outfit
15. Experiencing that thunderbolt of understanding when you’re watching the Oscars and the revered actress Eva Marie-Saint casually refers to a guy named Fred Hitchcock. And then boom! Suddenly you realize she’s talking about Alfred Hitchcock.