The Things That Still Unify America

  1. The crusty corners of macaroni & cheese
  2. Knowing that God is great. But perhaps wishing he had fewer Franchises.
  3. Remembering your first kiss. Even if your lips were pressed against a mirror.
  4. Wikipedia. Admit it.
  5. Remembering your first open-mouthed kiss. Even if it was with someone named Fido.
  6. The fact we all have 206 bones. Except for “Shaggy” Rogers from Scooby-Doo. He only had 205. No backbone.
  7. Enjoying a good yawn, a good sneeze, a good sigh…or any other good bodily discharge
  8. And speaking of sneezing: Who amongst us didn’t say “God bless you” the first time they heard someone say “Machu Picchu?”
  9. The simple joy of watching a Hogan’s Heroes Alright, watching back to back Hogan’s Heroes episodes. OK binge-watching Season 3 of Hogan’s Heroes in one sitting. Alright. Watching all 168 episodes consecutively while wearing an adult diaper. Please tell me I’m not alone on this one.
  10. Experiencing the white man’s overbite pleasure of rockin’ the bathroom while playing nude air guitar.
  11. Screw National Poetry Month. The only month worth celebrating is National Cheeseburger Month.
  12. The aquatic appreciation of the powerfully immaculate 5-second watery whoosh of a public toilet after we finish our business
  13. During daylight savings time, springing the clocks ahead only 55 minutes and then secretly pocketing a cool 5 minutes for yourself on the down low.
  14. Seeing Gal Gadot in her Wonder Woman outfit
  15. Experiencing that thunderbolt of understanding when you’re watching the Oscars and the revered actress Eva Marie-Saint casually refers to a guy named Fred Hitchcock. And then boom! Suddenly you realize she’s talking about Alfred Hitchcock.

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