But a Car Appealing to our Hidden Prejudices Just Might.
These Are the Cars That Drive Men’s Souls
With the advent of social media, a clear-eyed discussion of the pressing issues of the day has been reduced to flame-throwing snarky comments at those you disagree with. These curdles of wisdom are also known as memes. Memes as in: ♫Me, me, me, me, me, me, memes! ♫. This scorched Earth policy leaves little room for conciliation and plenty of room for righteous indignation. The once deep reservoir of societal collegiality has been drained from the body politic leaving its citizens parched and petulant.
Not to worry however because this corrosive dynamic will be obliterated when polemicists of all stripes depart this surly world and pass through that transcendent tunnel of purifying white light you hear about from people who’ve returned from NDEs (Near Death Experiences). These briefly deceased trailblazers will tell you they can’t describe the rapturous splendor awaiting you, but if they could convey anything it’s that we’re all one in God and all this fussing and fighting serves no one. This is not some “Kum-bi-ya” moment for the nearly dead, but rather a “How did I forget that?” moment for the recently returned. Of course this does no one any good if they realize the greater reality when they’re on the other side and can’t tangibly express it when they return to their bodies. At least it’s comforting to know that it is our destiny to have our prejudices, self-image and core values all scrubbed clean by the astringent lather of eternal truth.
If learning the truth requires a cessation of earthly distractions then so be it. I just wish it took something less dramatic for us to recall our truer natures. Perhaps if people could have these epiphanies without dying. Maybe, like the aforementioned near death experience. Yeah, that’s it! An NDE – a Near Death Experience. I mean a near death experience never killed anybody – that’s how it got its name in the first place. It’s only near death, and not the actual death itself. That’s the long and hopeful view anyway. But as long as we’re 7 billion fussy people on Earth with wrongs to be righted, it’s a different story.
A story car marketers haven’t turned a blind eye to. So in keeping with our thinly-educated citizenry happy to revel in the one-dimensional smugness of what they’ve just cut & pasted on social media, automobile manufacturers have begun to target market their models not only to practical considerations, but also to political considerations. And in catering to these political views the new models have become decidedly tendentious as manufacturers accentuate the vehicular divide. These models may need a realignment soon because currently these politicars are made to crab either too far left or too far right. Some parents like to start their children out early in these biased models; similarly to how they might use corrective shoes to get their children to walk straight – except in this case it’s to steer them left or right.
For example, the new Ford Polarity proves that a car divided against itself can drive. It comes in 2 niche-marketed models: The all-new Ford Snowflake – very big in California. And its sister stablemate the brawny new Ford Extremist – makes a Hummer look like a Mini Cooper. These 2 new models promise to satisfy the left and the right while simultaneously irritating both.
The Ford Snowflake features a selectable horn option that blows very, very softly and says, “Pardon me, but could you please be more considerate. I mean both specifically in this traffic situation and generally in society?” It’s an apologetic mouthful, but what else would you expect from a Snowflake? Standard bumper stickers read:
- I Brake For Immigrants
- I Don’t See Color
- I Tolerate Everybody But Those Ignoramuses.
Sold way over on the right side of the sales floor is the Ford Extremist. Its horn whistles Dixie when blown and its bumper stickers read:
- If Catapults are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Have Catapults
- This Truck Ain’t Got No Cup Holders, But It Does Have Beer Holders
- I Like Things Just The Way I Imagine Them To Be.
With Ford segmenting the market politically, other manufacturers are following suit. Other politicars in various stages of production include:
- The 2018 Kate Upton – Finally a model we can all agree on
- Pontiac Partisan – You’ll never cross the center divide again in this model
- Ford Compromise – The only car whose best performance is in neutral
- Ford Zion – Runs on chutzpah and unleaded chutzpah. All gauges are read right to left and instead of a sunroof it comes with a little yarmulke on top. And yes, you can only buy it wholesale.
- Lexus Libtard – For the well-educated male and limousine liberal who bristles at the inequities of life and donates generously to food banks and women’s shelters alike; all the while he’s pressing his 28 year-old single mom secretary for sex. This vehicle is also badged under the Hyundai Hypocrisy and is nicknamed the Charlie Rose
- Hummer RWNJ – Runs on gumption and unexamined motives. A self-driving version was scrapped because it continually pulled to the right. Its hood ornament doubles as a bullhorn and its BOSE sound system is actually an echo chamber so the driver’s beliefs are continuously reinforced while motoring. When the GPS “Home” button is pressed the RWNJ routes you directly to NRA headquarters in Fairfax, Virginia.
- Deep State Dodge – Similar to their Stealth, only much stealthier
- Toyota Tyrant – Runs on threats and intimidation. Hybrid version uses both narcissism and sociopathy as alternative fuels.
- Tesla Bipartisan – What else would you expect from the Muskinator but transcendence, integration and a higher calling – all in a zero carbon footprint vehicle. This is a car with that visionary thing that looks beyond petty squabbles and intractable anxieties. Also comes in a Prozac version.
It is with abundant glee and unbridled something-er-other I celebrate the inanity and sweetness of life as suggested in this apocryphal marketing expose. If I focus on just the mean-spiritedness of life, it would drive me crazy and writing this satirical piece is how I like to be driven.