1. This whole social spacing thing is nothing new to me. People are always telling me to keep my distance.
2. Banks to relax “shoot to kill” order when people enter banks wearing masks
3. Some people have been cocooning so long they’ve emerged from their homes as butterflies
4. Most in demand job: Epitaph writers. And that’s my last word on the subject.
5. Andrew Cuomo has never been sexier – and that’s not an easy thing to do
6. Shortage of embalming fluid allows bottlers to finally empty warehouses of all that unsold Zima
7. Kissing Booth industry devastated by Coronavirus. Now using wax lips.
8. Dogs are Confused and Weary: “Even I don’t need this much attention,” growled Rover. “C’mon people. You’re walking me 6 times a day. Enough already I’m dry. I’m empty. I have no more contributions to offer the little sapling near the swing set. And another thing, take a lesson from me. Have you ever noticed how much toilet paper I use?”
9. Number 9 quarantined by the CDC
10. Cardiac Monitor industry is suffering. It’s now on life support. If it gets any worse they’ll flat line. But they won’t ever know it because there aren’t enough Cardiac Monitors to go around.
11. Rod Belcher of Overland Park, Kansas summarizes the enter Coronavirus pandemic from its genesis to its current state: “Some shopkeeper in an open air market in Wuhan, China decides to expand his unrefrigerated meat case to include wombat cutlets. The next thing you know I’m down to using 1 square of toilet paper per flush. Why can’t they just buy cellophane wrapped meat like the rest of us?”
12. Shortage of long johns creates longing for slim Jims. Makes no sense. Neither does our enforced incarceration. I mean at some point we’re going to be released from house arrest – and we won’t even have a prison record. Crazy.
13. At first they all laughed when I said I wanted to study in Antarctica. Now who’s laughing (and really, really cold)?
14. Hermits everywhere agree: “Welcome to our world. Where, what you call Social Distancing, we call Tuesday.”
15. Trump awards 2 Congressional Medals of Honor to Netflix. “They’re doing tremendous, tremendous work. Twice as good as I hoped and that’s why I’m giving them 2 medals.”
16. This just in: Jimmy Osmond, the youngest Osmond brother, has marked himself as safe even though he says, “Marie keeps bugging me.”
17. Business as Usual: Against federal orders XFL restarts season. Same amount of fans attending as before – none.
18. Adult Film Industry making little progress in trying to find ways of eroticizing people poking each other with 6 foot poles.
19. Comic Con convention suddenly doesn’t seem that important. And it wasn’t that important to begin with.
20. Even with all this time on my hands, I still can’t seem to get through “The Irishman”
21. This UFC Statement Went Viral: “Coronavirus thinks it’s so tough. Nah man. In a cage match, Spanish Influenza would kick Coronaviruses ass.”
22. Somehow Kellogg’s 23th new flavor formulation of the Cheez-It just doesn’t excite me right now. Who cares about Calvin Coolidge Ranch Cheez-Itz?
23. Not interested in seeing an Instagram of Vanilla Ice singing “Ice Ice Baby” to raise awareness of Vanilla Ice. Mango Ice Yes. Vanilla Ice, meh. Cardi B is the only one that speaks for me (when I have the Closed Captions on) otherwise I can’t understand her at all.
24. And finally, because you don’t waste things (even half-baked ideas like these) during these unnerving times, I’ve included the following: In a poll of Polish Pole Dancers most wanted to remain in Romania disguised as hungry Hungarians eating Greece-y Turkey on Laos-y China. Just Brazilliant!
25. Stay Safe. Much Love and Support to you all. If you think the Coronavirus connects us all, just wait till you/we experience the rapturous connectivity pervading the Cosmos – ineffable and just momentarily forgotten. Sounds good, but maybe that’s the hydroxychloroquine talking.