2. SPAT: Made from the leftovers in the manufacturing process of SPAM. It’s the “pressed particle board” of canned meats. Doesn’t require refrigeration. Sealed in a thick, lustrous mammalian gel.

3. Briny’s Extra-sodium Soy Sauce: For those on a sodium-augmented diet. Ask your doctor if Briny’s Extra-sodium Soy Sauce is right for you. May cause drowsiness in sleepy people.

4. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Lymph Nodes: General Foods is at it again. This time with whatever else was left on the slaughterhouse floor. Originally marketed as Abattoir’s Sluice Treats.

5. Kraft Cheez-ernutter: Finally a pliable emulsion combining the convenience of semi-permeable Cheez Whiz with the gooey madness of marshmallow crème (whatever that is). Comes co-branded with Sara Lee’s Multi-grain Manhole Covers.

6. Brennan’s Very Dirty Rice: Made at their prison-labor plant in Typhoid Springs, Louisiana, this new take on an old favorite is popular with hospice patients and the nurses who love them.

7. Newman’s Own Nothings: A pouch of self-satisfied air consumers can feel good about purchasing; as all proceeds go to a bunch of vague do-gooders.

8. Nabisco Extra-Crispy Frackers: Freeze-dried crunchy remains of oil workers who died while fracking. Marketed under the slogan: They’re so Fracking good you’ll want to horizontally drill a loved one.

9. Yeech! : A kind of Headcheese, but made from the asses of expired zoo animals. Greenpeace assures Vegans that no plants were harmed in the making of this product.

10. Orange-Flavored Quik: Nestlé’s marketing dept. figured if America could elect an orange-flavored President, why wouldn’t at least 46% of the people want an orange-flavored milk beverage

11. Kellogg’s Unfrosted Maxi-Wheats: For the contrarian cereal eater who finds Frosted Mini-Wheats a little too cutesy.

12. Gerber’s Strained Credulity: A grained-based baby food that’s hard to believe in.